The Art Of Falling In Love: 9 Simple Habits Of People Who Build Calm, Secure Relationships
They don't question every feeling.
Look Studio | Shutterstock Ah, young love! It feels so blissful — those first flutterings of peaced-out, head in the sky, heart-bursting love. You love to be in love. Can anyone blame you? When you fall in love, everything looks, smells, and feels better. Your usual issues that fill your mind and stress you out suddenly don't feel so bad.
Love is fun, and so easy and tempting to fall into quickly, because it makes life seem easier. Until it makes life harder, which it almost always does when you fall in love too quickly with the wrong guy. Before you realize it, your heart is broken, and you have to eat lots of ice cream just to make it through the day.
People who build deeply calm and connected relationships don't have some secret, unattainable advantage. What they do have is a commitment to practices that nurture safety and genuine intimacy. These habits turn everyday moments into opportunities for deeper connection and turning conflict into chances for growth.
Here are 9 simple habits of people who build calm, secure relationships:
1. They don't confuse lust for love
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When your body responds in a gushing way to your new guy, it's easy to mistake those passionate urges for the big L: love. Just because you can't stop thinking about him and feel all kinds of quivers when you see him, recognize that raging hormones do not equal love (even though your body will try to convince you otherwise).
A strong lust-based desire can override logical thinking, leading to impulsive actions that ignore long-term consequences. A 2015 study explained that this can result in breaking a stable relationship over a fleeting desire or rushing into an unfulfilling one.
2. They keep up their regular habits and activities
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This is obvious, but quickly forgotten in the throes of a new relationship. Don't stop your normal everyday routines because you're so lost in your feelings for New Guy. Keep up your work schedule, fitness routine, and anything else regularly scheduled. Don't let the flurry of emotions throw you off your game and goals.
When partners can reliably predict each other's actions, there is less anxiety and fewer misunderstandings that can escalate into conflict. One study suggested that a stable routine helps eliminate the stress of unpredictability, contributing to a more peaceful environment.
3. They don't drop everything for their partner
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Don't break dates with your girlfriends or family because he asks you out to dinner at the last minute. You want to send him (and yourself) a message from the start that the other people in your life are important. Seeing him too frequently, too soon, is also a habit to break, or there will be more "love pressure" put on you by him, and you. Making your partner your whole world is a pattern of codependency that can lead to a loss of self and personal growth.
Research highlights that autonomy is a fundamental need for all individuals. By maintaining your interests and hobbies, you preserve your sense of self and prevent your identity from becoming solely defined by your relationship.
4. They keep their options open and don't become exclusive too quickly
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Even if you feel like you never want to kiss another guy ever again, don't start calling him your boyfriend after a week. Taking it slowly means keeping the door open to the possibility that there might be someone else out there who would be better for you. Take your time getting to know him before you make him your everything.
Casual, non-exclusive dating acts as a trial period where you can assess your compatibility and determine if your values, lifestyles, and long-term goals align. This process can help you avoid making a mistake out of haste and ensures a more mindful decision.
5. They take off the rose-colored glasses
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Be on alert for his negative qualities from the start because they are there; everyone has them (even you). I don't mean to look for reasons to not like him, but just be aware that you're looking at him with rose-colored glasses at first and prepare for it. He may seem perfect in week two of dating, but just know you're not seeing clearly quite yet.
While excessive hypervigilance can be detrimental to a relationship, healthy caution can protect an individual from harmful dynamics. Instead of constantly monitoring a partner for signs of danger, an alternative is to focus on genuine curiosity. A 2019 study suggested that this approach encourages open communication rather than creating an environment of subtle control and resentment.
6. They wait to introduce their partner to their friends and family
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Please don't introduce him to all your friends or take him home for Thanksgiving when you don't even know his last name or how he takes his coffee. Without even realizing it, introducing him to your loved ones puts that old "love pressure" on them in a real way. If your friends like him, you unconsciously want them to be happy by liking him (maybe more than you actually do).
A 2023 study concluded that premature introductions can create unnecessary pressure to define and escalate the relationship. For many, the family meeting is seen as a significant step, and rushing this can cause stress for one or both partners. By waiting until both people feel secure, the moment can be approached from a place of excitement rather than anxiety.
7. They know their own weaknesses and watch for them
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Look back on your previous cases of falling in love too fast and see if you can determine where you went wrong. Do you tend to give him too much time, too fast?
Then, know to watch for that happening in future relationships, and be on alert for your love weak spots. In a new relationship, it's tempting to project an idealized image of yourself. However, as research has cited, your weaknesses and negative habits will inevitably emerge over time.
8. They remember to breathe
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Remember to stay in touch with yourself by breathing deeply and reflecting on all your newfound puppy-dog feelings. Maybe write in a journal where you can make sense of whether you desire to be in love or actual love feelings for the man in your life. Read over what you have written regularly and see what's there to discover.
Self-awareness helps you articulate your own needs clearly and calmly, even during conflict. Your ability to regulate your emotions prevents distress from escalating, enabling you to better understand and validate your partner's perspective.
9. They remain true to themselves, no matter what
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Most importantly, remain true to yourself. Don't forget about yourself; instead of obsessing over him and what the relationship might be. Prioritizing self-respect means you are less likely to tolerate disrespect or settle for unhealthy relationships, according to a 2022 study. People with high self-esteem tend to be more confident and open, which helps them attract secure partners.
Remember what is truly important to you in a love relationship, and be alert to signs that this guy might not be able to fulfill what you truly want in the future. Taking it slowly might feel like work, but it's work that pays you overtime and gives a large bonus: the right relationship with the right guy.
Sheila Hageman is a writer who has appeared on The Today Show, ABC News, NBC News, and programs with Bill Cunningham and Anderson Cooper. Her writing has been featured on Salon, Mamalode, Mom Babble, and The Huffington Post.
