You Can Usually Tell How Passive-Aggressive Someone Is By These 4 Phrases They Say Casually
matvalina | Pexels What does it mean to be passive-aggressive? According to Merriam-Webster, passive-aggressive means being marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way, like procrastination and stubbornness.
In other words, being passive-aggressive is about showing your resistance through your behavior, without actually saying what you really think. This is what a people-pleaser does when trying to avoid any conflict or unpleasantness. It’s a way of expressing some underlying hostility while saying what you think the other person wants to hear.
Instead of saying what they really mean, passive-aggressive people casually use subtle phrases or emotionally loaded one-liners that often leave people feeling confused. Here's what to look for in conversation.
You can usually tell how passive-aggressive someone is by these 4 phrases they say casually:
1. 'It's fine'
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You aren’t being honest. You might be trying to avoid conflict, but trust me: people pick up on the discrepancy between what you are saying and what you are doing. It may not happen right away, but people will notice. It’s a lot easier to just be up front in the beginning.
Instead of saying “It's fine” when someone asks you to do something, try saying “I’m not sure I can commit to that. How about if I…” and tell them what you really are willing to do. The resentment piles up the moment you start saying yes when you actually mean no.
2. 'Nothing's wrong'
You aren’t living your truth. This is your life; it’s important to value yourself and your time. Valuing yourself means recognizing that your thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter. If you don’t like what’s happening, try saying “I’m upset that…” or “I’m concerned about…”
This is a lot more effective than saying “Nothing’s wrong” and seething inside. It also allows the opportunity for change. If you don’t say what’s bothering you, there’s no chance for the situation to improve.
"When we feel helpless about getting the result we want, we express our feelings in passive-aggressive ways. This can be things like stonewalling or withholding, which makes us feel even more disempowered and even less likely to voice complaints in the future," explained psychologist Dr. Guy Winch.
3. 'I was only joking'
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You aren’t being clear. Remember the saying, “If you have nothing good to say, then don’t say anything?" You don’t have to be silent. If you have an opinion, feel free to share it in a caring and kind manner.
But making a snarky comment and then saying “I was only joking” is either hurtful, ineffective (when they miss your meaning), or both. Try saying “I really like…” Or “I prefer…” as alternatives to express your true thoughts or feelings.
4. 'Oh, I thought you knew'
It’s important to realize this if you are committing yourself to a response or a course of action that doesn’t make you happy. It’s really frustrating to discover someone hasn’t lived up to their word, and it hurts your relationships.
If you are certain you don’t want to do something, it’s better to say “I’m not able to do that” than to agree, not follow through, and later say “I thought you knew” or ”I forgot”.
Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest, clear, reliable, and live your truth. If you are struggling with this, it’s okay. Practice being your best self and treating others as you want to be treated.
Keep in mind that you are the only one who knows what you’re thinking and feeling. If you don’t share what’s going on inside you, there’s a good chance you won’t get your needs met. You deserve to be happy, and that’s likely going to require being more straightforward and less passive-aggressive with yourself and with others.
Kristina Hallett is a Board-Certified Clinical Psychologist, a graduate Professor of Psychology, and a Shaman.
