The Art Of Being Good To Yourself: 20 Simple Habits Of Naturally Gentle People
People who are truly good to themselves don't punish themselves.
Dash Khatami | Unsplash If one more person told me to be good to myself and learn how to love myself, I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it. What the heck does "loving myself" mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to learning how to be happy than just pampering ourselves.
The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired, even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap. It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about how to love myself. This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.
I found that being good to yourself is not a destination; it's a practice. It is like brushing our teeth. Self-love is a foundation on which we build a happy life. Without loving ourselves, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.
Here are 20 simple habits of naturally gentle people:
1. They choose themselves
Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain done with the crowd.
Naturally gentle people have learned to choose themselves, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it disappoints others, and even when it goes against what they're supposed to do. This isn't selfishness, either; it's self-preservation.
2. They are true to themselves
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Telling what is true for us is critical to being good to ourselves, and so is not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do. Being true doesn't mean being brutally honest or saying every thought that crosses your mind.
It means honoring your own reality enough to give it a voice. When you stop abandoning your own truth to protect others' comfort, you often find that your relationships become more authentic, more respectful, and ultimately more real.
3. They respect their body's needs
Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability. It's buying the comfortable shoes instead of the ones that look better but hurt.
Gentle people recognize that treating your body well isn't about perfection or achieving some external standard of health or fitness. It's about respect, gratitude, and basic care.
4. They dress for confidence, not trends
Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality, instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we can impress others. When you wear clothes that genuinely make you feel good, you move differently through the world.
You stand taller. You smile more easily. That comfort in your own skin is worth more than any fleeting trend could ever be.
5. They build a life they love
Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy. When you stop waiting for your life to start and actually start living it, you become magnetic in a way that no amount of 'playing it cool' ever could. Research shows that happiness can be intentionally cultivated through practices like gratitude, mindfulness, and pursuing meaningful goals.
You attract people who want to join the adventure you're already on, instead of people you're hoping will finally permit you to begin. Gentle people know that being good to yourself means treating your single life not as an opening act, but as the main event it truly is.
6. They take the sweet with the bitter
Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, and the smelly — all of it — and appreciating ourselves as whole people. This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending their weaknesses don't exist.
It's about refusing to wage war against themselves over every imperfection. Gentle people understand that being human means containing multitudes, and that wholeness includes everything, especially the parts you'd rather hide.
7. They make time to play
Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time. Joy isn't something you earn after checking off every item on your to-do list.
In a culture that glorifies hustle and treats rest like laziness, making time just to play feels almost rebellious. But people who are truly kind to themselves reject the idea that every moment needs to be optimized, monetized, or justified.
8. They stop seeking assurance from everyone else
Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled. This isn't about arrogance or vanity, but about refusing to participate in the exhausting cultural ritual of self-criticism.
When you can own your beauty without guilt, you stop needing constant reassurance from others. You become less fragile, less dependent on compliments, and more genuinely humble because real confidence doesn't need to prove itself or tear itself down.
9. They don't rehash the past
Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can't change it. They understand that dragging themselves into dark mental spirals over things they can't change isn't reflection, it's self-punishment.
They've made peace with the fact that everyone stumbles, everyone has regrets, and everyone has a mental montage of cringe-worthy moments they'd rather forget. They forgive themselves, take the wisdom, and keep moving forward.
10. They check in with themselves
Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet. Research shows that checking in with yourself is important for emotional regulation and overall well-being.
This is the time when you check in with yourself the way you would with a close friend. How am I really doing? What do I need right now? What's weighing on me? You can't be kind to someone you don't know, and you can't know yourself if you're always looking away.
11. They share their heart carefully, not carelessly
Using discretion when sharing our hearts, selves, and dreams with others. They've learned, often through hard experience, that some people aren't equipped to handle your vulnerability with care, and that's okay.
This kind of discretion is an act of self-preservation and wisdom. There's a quiet strength in choosing carefully who gets access to the tender, unfinished parts of yourself.
12. They trust their path
Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny. They've stopped measuring their journey against someone else's and started trusting their path (with all its detours, delays, and unexpected turns).
They listen to their intuition, honor their timing, and understand that just because something worked for someone else doesn't mean it's their assignment. This trust allows them to move through life with less anxiety and more ease, making decisions from a place of inner knowing rather than external pressure.
13. They look for ways to heal
Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.
14. They follow their intuition
Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego. While their mind might be spinning through worst-case scenarios or obsessing over how things look to others, they've developed the ability to drop beneath that mental noise.
They trust that subtle pull toward or away from something, even when they can't logically explain it. This is about recognizing that their deepest self often knows what they need before their analytical mind finishes debating it.
15. They have integrity
Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.
Research indicates a strong link between upholding integrity and higher self-esteem and overall life satisfaction. Integrity is linked to inner balance and emotional regulation, as decisions aligned with one's values can cultivate a sense of inner consistency and calm.
16. They dream big
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Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving. They dream big, not because they're naive, but because they're kind enough to give themselves that gift.
There's a quiet radicalism in believing you're worthy of your own dreams, treating your desires as valid data rather than embarrassing indulgences, and understanding that the size of your dream says nothing about your worth and everything about your willingness to honor what's truly alive in you.
17. They're thoughtful about where they put their energy
Knowing how we're spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.
This isn't about being selfish or transactional; it's about maintenance. They periodically take inventory, and when they discover those activities that take and take without giving back joy, connection, rest, or creativity, they have the gentle courage to redirect.
18. They take responsibility
Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.
They recognize that while they can't control what happens to them, they can control how they respond, what meaning they make of it, and what they do next. By taking ownership of their inner world and their responses, they stop being victims of circumstance and become active participants in their own lives.
19. They don't label themselves
Not labeling ourselves with others' opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them. They understand that labels, whether from others or themselves, are prisons disguised as clarity.
Gentle people know the difference between acknowledging a current truth and cementing it into identity. This distinction gives them permission to grow, change, and contradict themselves without having to defend or maintain a fixed persona.
20. They don't love themselves less when they fail
Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals. No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.
Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.
Banu Sekender is an intuitive coach and a healer. Her passion is removing emotional, mental, and energetic splinters that create blocks to joy.
