Highly Successful Couples Know These 10 Secrets Of Having A Good Relationship
It's more than just maintaining the basics.
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Marriage is never easy and takes constant work. Whether couples have been together for years or decades, the healthiest of them all know that making the relationship a top priority is vital to its success. They don't allow it to derail; instead, they know the ingredients that are necessary to keep each other content, happy, healthy, and satisfied.
As philosopher Paul Tillich observed, "Any deep relationship to another human being requires watchfulness and nourishment." But along with the very basics, highly successful couples know the secrets of having a good relationship. Whether it's practicing forgiveness or having shared values, it's all evident in their healthy, stable marriages.
Highly successful couples know these 10 secrets of having a good relationship
1. Enjoy each other
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It's just that simple. Successful couples know that it's no secret that a good relationship involves enjoying being, talking, and doing things together. Ringo Starr, who has been married to his wife Barbara for more than four decades, says that the secret to their marriage's longevity is this: "We spend a lot of time together. That's the deal."
As research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found, spending quality time with a partner helps couples feel more attractive, desired, grounded, and supported.
2. Fight skillfully
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When two people live together, they are bound to have differences of opinion and disagreements. Successful couples fight but do it skillfully — in a way that leaves the relationship stronger, not weaker. One technique they employ is their choice of words.
For example, University of California Berkeley researchers looked at "connected" couples and discovered that they tend to use plural pronouns ("we", "us" and "ours") rather than singular pronouns ("I", "me" and "mine"). As a result, they were less likely to feel stressed out after the disagreement than couples who used singular pronouns.
"Using 'we language' during a fight helps couples align themselves on the same team, as opposed to being adversaries," noted lead author Benjamin Seider.
3. Seek and offer forgiveness
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When partners have done something wrong or hurtful, they offer an apology. When they are the wronged party, they accept the gift of an apology. Highly successful couples know this secret of having a good relationship and travel the pathway toward forgiving.
This is outlined by author Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who says these are the four stages for arrival at complete forgiveness: forgo, forebear, forget, forgive.
4. Be in it for the long haul
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According to former NBA player and coach Pat Riley, "There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in between." This can also be applied to relationships, because successful couples don't just make promises to each other, they commit.
Couples whose relationships stand the test of time are happy together because they have lived out their vows — for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. They're selfless to their partner's needs and are someone they can truly depend on.
5. Stay positive about each other
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Marriage researcher John Gottman says happy couples have relationships characterized by respect, affection, and empathy, and they pay close attention to what's happening in each other's lives.
Furthermore, his research reveals that happy and stable couples "made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one positive remark for every single negative remark."
6. Learn and grow together
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Highly successful couples know that the secret of having a good relationship is playing to each other's strengths and interests. If one partner becomes more health-conscious, the other joins. If one partner takes up a new activity, the other partner becomes supportive and involved. The end result is a stronger emotional bond and a deeper love.
According to clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten, "The happiest couples that I observe tend to have a shared project, similar values, and enjoy growing together. Working together, whether on a business or a shared project, can help couples stay connected while also building something about more than just them."
7. Never stop dating
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Never stop dating is one of the secrets of a happy relationship uncovered by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller. The duo traveled over 12,000 miles searching and interviewing people they called "marriage masters" — those married 40 years or more.
One common element to many marriage masters was their ability to keep the romance going. Some set aside one evening a week for a date, others planned romantic getaways periodically, while others still met most afternoons for conversation at a coffee or tea shop.
8. Bring each other joy
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In his book, "The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life's Terms with Your Own," mental health expert and author Ken Druck talked about a workshop he gave to his wife as a birthday gift. He recalled his wife being incredibly joyful and happy. It's no wonder that healthy, successful marriages and relationships involve both partners being intentional about the happiness of their other half.
As life coach Roland Legge explained, "Joy in a marriage is more potent than happiness. It comes from an inner sense of knowing that you are with the right person. Joy comes from a deep knowing that you bring out the best in each other. It gives you hope even during difficult times. It reminds you that as long as you take responsibility for yourself in the relationship, all will be okay because you trust yourself and your partner."
9. Adhere to the 60/40 rule
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Boggs and Miller also discovered that marriage masters have a high level of selflessness. One man they interviewed told them, "I'll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago. He looked at us and said, 'Most people think marriage is 50/50. It's not. It's 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.'"
When couples follow this rule, it allows them to keep their relationship balanced. And that's something that all successful couples understand.
10. Have shared values
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Highly successful couples know the secret of having a good relationship is to have shared values. For example, if you're a free spender or are frugal, marry someone who understands that because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriage.
"Shared values provide a sense of predictability and reliability that encourages trust. When you know your partner holds the same fundamental beliefs, you feel confident they'll act in ways that align with those values," mental health counselor Naila Yazdani revealed.
Victor M. Parachin is a journalist, minister, and author of several books. His work focuses on loss and grief, relationships, and personal healing.
