Why You Bond With Some People And Not Others Isn’t Random: 6 Insights From A Clinical Psychologist
Bordovski Yauheni | Shutterstock Most people don’t realize that attachment theory is a lot deeper than whether you’re the pursuer or distancer, although that framework is certainly useful to start with. Attachment theory is a fascinating field of research that started in the 1960’s.
For the first time, psychologists recognized that the way our parent/primary caregiver interacts with us when we are young determines how we will interact within relationships for the rest of our lives.
Here are six psychological insights about why you bond with some people and not others:
1. Attachment styles aren’t fixed for life
You can move from insecure to secure based on how much work you’ve done on yourself. This is a result of therapy for many, a point which I discuss more in depth in the last point in this post.
Also, a happy and loving relationship can “reparent” you, meaning that you and your partner can grow more securely attached over time, as you grow closer and learn to rely on each other more and more. This interdependence can be very healing for those who struggle with codependence or pathological independence.
2. Feeling secure doesn’t mean you act perfectly in relationships
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Securely attached people still get anxious or withdraw, but they will come back to their partner sooner and more calmly. They look to repair instead of to continue fighting, because overall, due to their positive and stable upbringings, they see relationships as a source of safety and trust other people. Securely attached people still argue, but not usually in front of the kids, not in a scary way with threats of leaving, name-calling, and yelling, and not very often.
Overall, they treat a partner as well as they treat a friend, which is not how insecurely attached people act. In fact, I came up with the CCF method for interacting with your partner, which means that you try to treat them as well as a child, coworker, or friend. This idea is revolutionary for insecurely attached people.
3. Your attachment style affects your parenting
Especially when your kids trigger you, you tend to act in the same ways as you do when a partner upsets you. I see this a lot in parents of teenagers, who often enact a pursuer-distancer relationship, especially with the child who triggers their own childhood issues.
If your own parent was not there for you emotionally, then it can be very hard to be there for your own child, because you never received this unconditional love and care. You can’t pour from an empty cup, despite your best efforts. Therapy can be transformational, as well as reading books on this topic, like Parenting From The Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel.
4. Preoccupied (anxious) and avoidant attract and exacerbate one another
As I always say, pursuers and distancers allow one another to subconsciously reenact their childhood dynamic in adulthood. This is the imago theory, which explains why people pick partners that are bad for them.
The fancy psychological theory that explains this tendency toward self-sabotage is Imago Theory. This theory, which you can read more about in the book Getting the Love You Want by relationship experts Harville Hunt and Helen LaKelly Hunt, states that people are subconsciously drawn to partners who have both the positive and negative aspects of their primary caretakers (usually, their parents).
At first, during the honeymoon stage, they only see the positive qualities, but as the relationship progresses, they start to see the negative qualities too. So, a woman whose mother was vivacious and self-absorbed will likely be attracted to a man who initially appears charming. He usually appears self-absorbed, too, but the woman usually ignores these red flags.
When anxiously attached (aka preoccupied) people keep going after avoidant people, this is because they have an assumption that they will be rejected, which the avoidant partner does even from the start. And when avoidant people date those with preoccupied attachment, this is because these “clingy” and “controlling” people are the ones who confirm what the avoidant partner thinks about relationships: that they are constricting and difficult.
5. Intimacy and attachment are linked
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For many people, intimacy is a way they express connection. For others, like those with avoidant attachment, it’s primarily sensation-seeking and focused on dopamine release, which makes their partner feel lonely during the act. Preoccupied women often use it as a reassurance-seeking mechanism, which is why they often have less as they grow more secure.
6. Therapy can change attachment style over time
Your relationship with your therapist can be what we call a “corrective emotional experience.” In therapy, week after week, you learn that someone can be there for you and have a mutually respectful and caring relationship with you.
The boundaries of therapy allow you to trust that boundaries are healthy, instead of being perceived as bad or threatening. This is one way that therapy can help those who grew up in volatile or cold homes. It gives your brain a secure base it may never have had before, and you can generalize from this relationship to others.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
