If You’re Always Chasing And They’re Always Pulling Away, These 7 Shifts Will Change Everything
You don't have to keep running after someone who keeps retreating.
GaudiLab | Canva You're sitting on the couch after a long day. Your turn to talk to your partner about your day in great detail. You touch his shoulder and try to cuddle him. He keeps his eyes firmly on the TV, and you get angry at him for his lack of attentive listening.
He suddenly gets up and goes to his office, saying he still has some work to do. You stay on the couch feeling upset and neglected, or even follow him to his office to ask him why he's been so distant lately. Sound familiar? This is a common scenario that, unfortunately, many couples (married or dating) can relate to. It's called a pursuer-distancer relationship.
If you think this relationship dynamic isn't a big deal, just read this: In a study of 1,400 divorced couples, it was found that couples exhibiting the pursuer-distancer pattern were at the greatest risk of divorce. So, what exactly is a pursuer-distancer pattern in a relationship?
The pursuer will frequently seek togetherness, quality time, attention, and affection from their partner. However, the distancer responds to this by withdrawing and seeking space, which leaves the pursuer in an anxious, sometimes desperate, state.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., wrote, "Pursuing and distancing are normal ways that humans navigate relationships under stress, and one is not better or worse than the other. A problem occurs only when a pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes entrenched. When this happens, the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other."
So how can you break the pursuer-distancer pattern in your relationship? (It's not too late, I swear!) Renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman said, "When one partner commits to change their approach and their responses consistently, their relationship will change."
If you’re always chasing and they’re always pulling away, these 7 shifts will change everything:
1. The pursuer needs to call off the chase
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This means you need to stop the constant calls/texts/WhatsApp messages/smoke signals/messages in a bottle, initiation of affection, pursuit of conversation, and any other behavior that could be defined as "pursuing." As hard as it may be, you need to back off and give your partner space, both physically and emotionally.
Research from Gottman on thousands of couples reveals that partners who get stuck in the pursuer-distancer pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80 percent chance of divorcing in the first four or five years. The more you pursue, the more they withdraw, creating a self-reinforcing loop that leaves both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected.
2. Distancers can make an effort to initiate more often
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A pursuer tends to have a great deal of anxiety about the relationship, and the more their partner distances themselves, the more insecure the pursuer feels. To calm the anxiety of the pursuer, the distancer should make more of an effort to initiate affection.
If your wife is the pursuer and you are the distancer, clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten explains that your emotional avoidance of her makes her feel something called "attachment panic," which can manifest as anger and irritability. If you are constantly withdrawing from her emotionally and physically, into work, hobbies, and anything that isn't her, couples therapy can help you get into a new dynamic where both people feel loved in the way that they need.
3. The pursuer should focus on meeting their own needs
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As the pursuer, if you are feeling yourself becoming needy and clingy (be honest, you know when you are), then it's important to ask yourself what needs your partner is not meeting, and if you can do these things for yourself. Ask yourself: What am I not getting from my partner that I can give to myself? For example, if your partner is not paying enough attention to you, can you come up with some self-care rituals that make you feel good about yourself?
Research shows that anxiously attached people are often triggered by certain scenarios because they don't believe they're capable of meeting their own needs, and they expect someone else, usually their partner, to meet those needs. By learning to meet your own emotional needs, you break the cycle of dependency and build the foundation for a healthier, more balanced connection.
4. The distancer needs to start sharing their feelings
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If you're a distancer, then you are most likely holding back many of your emotions, something a pursuer will immediately pick up on and feel insecure about. Can you make more of an effort to share your thoughts? Even sharing something as simple as how your day at work was can be a big step in bringing your partner closer.
Licensed therapist Terry Gaspard explains that for many people, a fear of intimacy may translate into testing a relationship by picking a partner who is wrong for them. People play it safe by distancing themselves, and when you try to be perfect and walk on eggshells, it doesn't work because it drains you of energy.
5. Pursuers need to give distancers emotional space
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As the pursuer, you need to emotionally back off before the distancer in your relationship will feel safe coming closer to you. The more questions you ask, the more you criticize and complain, and the more you push your partner to talk about their feelings, the quicker they will shut down. Give your partner a safe space to open up to you.
Psychologists explain that pursuers need to remind themselves that distancers open up most freely when they aren't being pushed, pursued, or criticized. As the pursuer learns more skills to self-soothe their anxiety and trust the process of the relationship, they will cultivate the safety and emotional space for their intimate partner to move towards them.
6. Distancers should schedule quality time
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A pursuer can feel a great deal of anxiety about the fact that their partner is not spending enough time with them, nor are they making the effort to. A pursuer places a great deal of importance on quality time, and as a distancer, you can make your partner feel safe and secure in the relationship simply by making a plan to do something with them in the future.
When anxiety from past relationships finds its way into a new relationship, it can put reassurance demands on your relationship that can be straining, explains clinical psychologist Dr. Alicia H. Clark. The key to managing this anxiety is to take control as soon as you can and be gentle with yourself and your partner
7. Be understanding of the other person's needs
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As a distancer, you may feel the need to get space and emotional distance sometimes, but it's important to realize that your actions can cause your partner to feel insecure and question the relationship.
As a pursuer, you may feel the need to seek affection and emotional connection, but it's important to realize that your actions can cause your partner to feel suffocated, frustrated, and in need of some alone time.
We all bring our own pasts, emotions, attachment styles, anxieties, and insecurities to a relationship. However, if we can make the effort to understand our partner and their differences, we can develop happier and more loving relationships.
According to marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, "relationships can be an exciting path to the unknown. But it requires courage — courage to open yourself up and to experience pain. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another."
Sarah Veldman is a freelance writer who focuses on lifestyle topics for women, personal development, love/relationships, and travel. She has been published on various sites like Bustle, The Everygirl, HelloGiggles, and more
