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Is sex a tall order or a grande experience?
By Bob Alaburda — Last updated on Mar 01, 2023
I like my women like I like my coffee: hot at first, then it turns lukewarm after a forget about it for a little while, until it's finally cold enough that I just dump it.
I can't be the only one.
And according to science that I just made up for the sake of this sentence, sex, and coffee have a lot in common. In fact, leading scientists that are me say the type of coffee you drink says a lot about your sex life.
Everyone knows that when you're standing in line at Starbucks, you instantly judge everyone around you based on the drink they order. Venti frap? Indulgent sweet tooth. Something I can't pronounce? Pretentious.
Now, it's not just their personality you can make snap judgments about; this handy guide can provide you with insight into their private sex life as well.
Here's what your Starbucks order predicts about your sex life:
1. Regular coffee
You're bitter and most people don't like you by yourself. Does anything give you joy? Are you vegan?
2. Pumpkin spice latte
The missionary position of coffee, you're predictable and reliable. But hey, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you like. Spooky season is the only time of the year that I feel alive, might as well have a treat to go along with it. Don't we all have an inner basic b**** that needs to be satiated?
3. Frappuccino
As a fan of this 9,000-calorie, whipped-cream-topped monstrosity, your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Whoever decided that we needed a coffee-flavored milkshake for breakfast was a genius.
4. Espresso
You're no size queen. You know that powerful things can come in small packages. You just want a shot and nothing else, whether that be tequila or coffee.
5. Ordering off the secret menu
You crave excitement and adventure. An air of mystery and intrigue can instantly seduce you. You're also really hard to please in bed.
6. Mocha-anything
You're a fan of chocolate, in every dimension of the word. You're attracted to the chase that comes with meeting a new person.
7. Macchiato
No one is really quite sure what you are, but we imagine you look and taste exotic. You also still talk in a British accent even though you studied abroad there over 5 years ago. And you weirdly use it in bed, too.
8. Iced whatever
Preferring your morning caffeine to come to you through a straw indicates your proficiency in ... uh, I think you can picture it.
9. Food
You're clearly into BDSM because you have to be a masochist to order food at Starbucks. It's all frozen hospital food.
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Bob Alaburda is a senior editor at dvm360. His work has appeared in the Huffington Post, Ravishly, and more.