What He's Really Thinking During Your First Few Dates

Here's how he really feels about you after the first date.

Man sitting on corner of balcony, thinking Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona | Unsplash

Have you ever gone on a few dates with a guy, thought things were going well, and then things fizzled out without warning? I can't tell you how many women write to me about this. They had a great couple of first dates, the guy kept asking her back out, she got her hopes up, and then the guy stopped initiating anything. If this has happened to you, you know how disappointing it can be. But if you understand a guy's process when it comes to dating, you can save yourself a lot of frustration and instead set yourself up for the kind of lasting love you're looking for with the right guy.


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His mindset is different from yours. Men and women think about the early stages of dating very differently. Women often try to read too much into their early interactions with men, which then leads them to think that after the first few dates, they’re in what I call the “instant relationship.” That means a woman will often think she's in a relationship with a man when he’s still feeling things out. So she becomes too available, too eager, and too invested in where this is all going. She also starts expecting things from him — she assumes they're going to be seeing each other every weekend, she expresses annoyance when he doesn't call her more often, or she assumes an exclusive relationship instead of discussing it.
Suddenly he feels pressured, and she loses that vibe that attracted him in the first place.




RELATED: What Men And Women Love (And Hate) On First Dates

When a man asks you out for a second or third date, all it means is he's interested in getting to know you better, because he felt a good connection with you on date #1. It doesn't mean that he necessarily wants to be exclusive or is already thinking about a serious relationship. He's still just getting to know you. He's enjoying your company, having fun, and starting to wonder about you. But if you're already thinking ahead to the next few months when this is the only man you're seeing and things are serious, you're doing yourself a disservice. You've already decided this guy, and you don't even know him that well yet. All you're doing is going by your gut feeling and the chemistry you feel when you're with him.



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What you want to do is take a cue from guys and use those first few dates as they do — as a fun learning process to meet different kinds of people and spend time with them in a no-pressure way. That means you don't expect that a man's not dating anyone else or that he needs to call you at a certain time. And you don't assume you're spending every weekend together, either. When you're not focused on "where things are going," you give each other the freedom to enjoy each other's company and make smart relationship decisions. You also become very attractive in the process, because a guy will sense that you're not making him the be-all and end-all of your life.

And that's when the right guy will feel motivated to take things to the next level with you. Until this happens, keep dating other guys to keep yourself from falling into the "instant relationship" trap. If the two of you do have a meaningful connection, trust me that he'll make sure he gets to know you more and more.

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Christian Carter is a dating coach and author of the e-book Catch Him & Keep Him. He has helped more than three million women become more successful with men, dating, and relationships.