9 Ways Men Unintentionally Chip Away At Relationships Without Even Realizing It
Alex Green | Canva I hate to say it, but we have all been there: In a relationship that started out wonderfully, slowly fell apart but didn't quite end. Not sure where the relationship stands, we fall back into it, hopeful, only to see it start falling apart again. It's like he's chipping away at the relationship, but still refusing to let it go.
This can be almost as devastating at a break up, and he may not even realize it. Instead of ripping the break up bandage off in one swoop, the bandage is ripped off excruciatingly slowly. In this situation (if you want to save your sanity, at least) you must be able to identify how he is chipping away at your relationship's foundations. Only then can you address reality and either fix it or move on.
Here are 9 ways a man chips away at relationships without even realizing
1. He comes and goes on his own terms
Coming and going is the first, and should be the brightest, red flag that a relationship is over.
Does he show up, sometimes for days or weeks, only to abruptly leave again? Does he avidly engage in text conversations and then disappear? Does he promise that he will be somewhere and then not show up? Does he disappear for days, turning up eventually with empty excuses?
Remember, not everyone wants to find lasting love. A Pew Research study showed that slightly less single people were looking to date than those who are not looking. In other words, just because you're hoping for a lasting relationship doesn't mean he is.
If this is your guy, your relationship is definitely being chipped away. Any guy who wants to be in a relationship is someone who will show up. He will want to spend time with you. He won’t have to make up excuses for why he disappeared.
2. He prevents you from touching or looking at his phone
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People who are in a healthy relationship let each other see their phones. Of course, privacy is important, but so is transparency in a relationship — especially one that is in trouble and efforts are seemingly being made to fix it.
Why is being allowed to see someone's phone important? Because it is a sign of trust in both directions. Your guy is showing you that he has nothing to hide, and that perhaps his efforts to keep you close are meaningful.
While you don't necessarily need to have his password or lock code, he should be able to hand you his phone to watch a video or show you a text. If he won't even do that, he's not trying to build your relationship and is likely chipping away at it.
3. He tells little lies
Be honest with yourself. Have you caught him in a number of lies? In even one lie? Perhaps it's a lie about where he was or who he was with. Perhaps it's a lie about why he can’t do something with you. Perhaps it was a lie that he couldn’t afford to pay for something. Perhaps a lie about his life status. Perhaps it was just a lie about the color of the sky...a lie just for lying’s sake.
Catching a man in a lie is a huge red flag that your relationship is over, or at least it should be. He's chipping away at your trust and he isn't even all that bothered by it.
4. He tells you he is 'confused' and 'thinking things over'
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If there is one thing that women are really good at, it is thinking things over and processing things. We have done it our whole lives and we do it every day. We are conditioned for it and rewarded when we do it.
For men, unfortunately, processing things can be a lot more difficult. And, if they continue to use this as an excuse why they can’t commit to you one way or another, it is a huge red flag.
Now, I am not saying that men don’t think things over, of course they do. They weigh the good and bads in a situation and consider what they think their next steps should be and then they take action. So they do process, but they tend to process quicker than women do because their thinking is more black and white.
This isn't just casual observation. A massive study with more than 50,000 participants found that men make more extreme decisions, both negative and positive, and another study showed that men make decisions faster when dating than women do.
So, if your guy continues to show up and hook up with you, then disappears for days at a time, it doesn't matter what excuse he is using. While he might not have acknowledged it yet, he is chipping away at your relationship.
My 28-year-old son has been telling me for years that if a guy is “thinking things over” and "confused" it really is code for they are ready to move on.
5. You pretty much only ever hook up
When your guy does reach out, more often than not, just to hook up?
Sure there might be some food involved and perhaps some small talk but, more often than not, do you just end up in bed? And, unless you are doing something for him, does he tend to disappear pretty quickly after that?
For women, physicality is often about connection. For men, generally physicality is less about connection than about fulfilling a physical need. And, after their needs are met, they can easily move on, leaving you confused and maybe even sad. That disconnection is just another chip at the foundation of your relationship.
If you're still hooking up regularly (and not much else), try not to look at it as a deep connection that only the two of you share. Rather, be willing to see that your relationship is most likely nothing more than a physical one.
6. He treats you inconsiderately
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When you were first in this relationship, your guy used to treat you like a queen. Did he listen to you and show up for you and take care of you and treat you with respect? Is that part of the reason that you fell in love with him?
And, how does he treat you now? Does he listen to you and show up for you and treat you, consistently, with respect? Or has he stopped paying attention and being there for you, except when he needs something?
Be honest: Do you see that he is treating you with disrespect? Or are you just hoping things will go back to the way they were back when it was great?
It is important that you know that you are going to be in a relationship with exactly how he is behaving right now — kind or unkind. He won’t change, unless he wants to. He's chipped away at your relationship, and this is what it is now.
7. He is vague about the future
The beginning of the relationship is such a wonderful time. Lots of late night chats, getting to know each other, and discussing the future. Such a hopeful time, full of love and excitement.
But what about now? Are you no longer talking about the future? When you bring it up does he change the subject? Do you hope that things will change?
I am afraid that, if your guy has stopped talking about the future, he is waving a big red flag. Even though in the beginning he might have had wonderful ideas, those wishful ideas are gone and hoping that they will return will be fruitless for you. This can leave you feeling unsteady, and that will eventually chip away at any relationship you've been trying to build.
8. He waits for you to initiate
In the past few days, how many times have you had to initiate a conversation? How many times have you had to reach out to see how he is doing or if perhaps you might get together? Be honest...is it more than once?
Men who want to be with a woman will initiate things. Full stop. A man who is no longer all in a relationship will certainly be willing to hang out and hook up, but won’t have the motivation needed to make anything else happen.
So, take stock of how much you are doing the reaching out. Making you the only one initiating is a great way to chip away at the relationship.
Most importantly, trust your gut
I know, I know. This is a hard one. After all, when our heart is involved, it's very hard to listen to our gut. I know, I have been there, more than once.
But it’s very, very important that you try very hard to listen to your gut right now. It is truly your best friend in this situation.
So, be honest with yourself. Is one of the reasons that you are reading this article because you know, deep down, that your relationship is over. Is your heart hoping that your gut is wrong so you stay? If you try to ignore your heart for a moment, is your gut screaming "let go"?
The reason that we have a gut is to protect us from danger. It is something we use every day of our lives - when crossing the street, making a decision at work or planning our next steps. Unfortunately, because we want things to turn out differently than the direction that they are currently on, we ignore that danger signal and proceed even though there is risk.
Don’t let this be you! Listen to what your body is telling you.
I know that these red flags can be hard to see. After all, he wants the relationship to be over but keeps showing up in one form or another and refuses to let you go. But don’t take that to mean that you have a future together.
If these red flags are flying, it's time for you to walk away and find someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
