7 Warning Signs You're In Love With Someone Who Really Isn’t Right For You, According To Psychology
Love can cloud your judgment.
GaudiLab | Canva Relationships are the best teachers, as one of my favorite people is fond of saying. And while they are great teachers, that doesn’t mean that you’re learning lessons that you’re enjoying or are necessarily good for you.
There are those first few weeks to months of a relationship that are the honeymoon period, and then there’s what happens after that period that may have you questioning, "Is he the one?" What happens next is crucial to whether or not you are with someone who really isn't right for you.
Here are 7 warning signs you're in love with someone who isn’t right for you, according to psychology:
1. You don’t necessarily really like them
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After the initial excitement fades, the thought of calling them or being with them doesn’t make you happy — it makes you upset, depressed, or just plain unhappy.
The KonMari method of cleaning your house involves holding an object in your hand and evaluating whether it brings you joy (it’s a keeper) or not (it’s time to get rid of it). You can do this with your relationship too: if that person doesn’t bring you joy, it’s probably time to move on.
2. You feel annoyance and resentment toward them
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It’s normal for couples to fight; after all, you are two different people. If you’re finding that you are annoyed and resentful at your partner after a fight or just in general, however, you might want to end that relationship before the annoyances get impossible and the resentments are huge.
While some level of irritation is normal in any relationship, chronic resentment can signal a breakdown in communication, trust, and emotional support. Research has shown that high levels of resentment are linked with lower relationship satisfaction.
3. You can’t talk to each other without fighting
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If every conversation you have seems to get you into a fight, and you’re constantly thinking about how your partner doesn’t measure up, you’re probably not with the right person.
One study argued that this behavior can be a sign of deeper issues like emotional immaturity, lack of empathy, or even narcissistic tendencies. It can erode trust and create a toxic dynamic where one partner consistently feels blamed or gaslighted.
4. You struggle to find common ground
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You can remember that, probably at one point, you had some things in common, but you can’t seem to remember what they are. Additionally, you don’t enjoy doing things together. This probably indicates that you’re not with the right person for you.
Studies have shown that couples with similar values and life goals tend to have higher relationship satisfaction and are more likely to stay together. In some cases, one partner might be more invested in the relationship, which leads to a one-sided dynamic where one person's needs are consistently prioritized over the other's.
5. You feel like there are more bad moments than good
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Meaning, you spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out how to make your relationship better, and you’re tense, stressed out, and unhappy because of this.
If this is going on, you’re with the wrong person. Your relationship should feel (mostly) joyful, not like something that constantly requires reframing and renegotiating, and work in general.
6. You seek connection from other people
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Okay, so huge alarm bells should be firing for you at this point. If you’re looking for relationship-style happiness from someone who isn’t your partner or even just “keeping an eye open” for a potentially better mate, you’re with the wrong person.
When individuals feel their core emotional, practical, or relational needs are not being met by their current partner, they may consciously or unconsciously start looking for those needs to be fulfilled elsewhere. One study argued that while occasional thoughts about different partners are a normal part of life, intensely focusing on them can be a sign of issues within the current relationship.
7. You just don’t care anymore
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As Elie Wiesel famously stated, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Indifference is an absolute relationship killer. If you can’t muster any interest or feelings for your partner at all, you’re pretty much definitely with the wrong person.
What to do now? Counseling or couple’s therapy may be a possibility if you’re both committed to trying to make the relationship work or if you have exigent reasons for doing so (children, business, property, home together, etc.) but often, these issues are pretty comprehensive warning signs that your relationship is in trouble and you need to (kindly, gently if possible) end it and move on.
Dondi Leigh is a freelance writer and former contributor for I Heart Intelligence.
