Couples Who Love Each Other But Struggle To Get Along Usually Fall Into These 7 Patterns
Bad relationship habits turn into bad patterns where nothing gets resolved.
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock Are you in a relationship that is making you extremely unhappy? Are you constantly in a push and pull with your feelings for them and the reality of your incompatibility? Are you scared about the future and wondering if letting go is the best idea or if you should wait it out and see if maybe you can make it work?
Figuring out when to break up and say goodbye to unhealthy relationships is easier said than done. Breaking up with someone you genuinely love and are in a relationship with is a very hard thing to do. Relationships start so hopefully. But, when you find yourself in a never-ending cycle of arguments, you have to start seriously thinking about whether you both can grow past your toxic patterns.
Couples who love each other but struggle to get along usually fall into these 7 patterns:
1. They don't feel good about themselves
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Feeling good about yourself is key to a healthy relationship. If you don’t feel good about who you are in the world, if you feel like you need someone to "complete you," and if you hate being alone, then you aren’t in a good place with yourself, so, in this case, a good relationship will be impossible.
People who are needy, clingy, or fraught with insecurities do not make good partners. If you are feeling that way at all, your relationship isn’t healthy, and it could be time to let go.
2. They can’t talk about things without fighting
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Relationships that end in a devastating breakup usually involve people who just can not communicate. They aren’t able to talk about their feelings, and they aren’t able to listen to others talk about theirs.
Relationships are very intense and very personal. To manage them effectively, people must communicate.
When issues arise, they must be addressed head-on, with clearly spoken words and someone on the receiving end to hear them. There must be a give-and-take so that everyone’s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.
If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you aren’t able to share your issues, then you might want to start looking elsewhere for someone to love because the one you are in is most likely beyond repair.
Research argues that without open dialogue, partners may misinterpret each other's actions or words, leading to more frequent and intense arguments. Addressing communication issues requires commitment and effort from both partners.
3. They are obsessive
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Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, trying to figure out ways to run into him? If the answers to the above questions are "yes," then you are experiencing something called obsessive love.
Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure. Love is wonderful, giving, and open.
Obsession is harsh, angry, and destructive. So, if the love you feel for your man is an obsession, then it’s time to say goodbye. It’s not healthy for either of you.
4. They don’t have a life of their own
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Both sides of a relationship shouldn't be completely reliant on the other for their happiness. I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband.
She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home, and watches what he wants to watch every night.
She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy, but really, she isn’t.
That is why she is talking to me! Make sure that when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship.
Make sure you have a job or a hobby that you love. Make sure that you have friends with whom you can hang out. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.
If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, it might be time to say goodbye. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship, and if you can’t — or won’t — do that, then your relationship might be over.
Research suggests that couples who don't maintain distinct individual lives may face challenges in their relationship and individual well-being. This lack of individual space can lead to decreased satisfaction and relationship conflict.
5. They emotionally flip-flop
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Is your man alternating hot and cold? On some days, he seems like his loving self, and then on others, he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with. Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.
If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others, then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you. So, unless your man is always hot for you, it’s time to say goodbye.
6. They are phoning it in
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The number one thing we seek in a relationship is love. Unfortunately, for many women, we are willing to settle for companionship and give up on the love we want because our men just aren’t capable of giving us what we desire.
Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates, bringing home the groceries, or including you in activities with his friends?
Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think? A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love. Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.
They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out. So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to say goodbye.
Research on couples who have mismatched needs for love and affection suggests that a lack of understanding and appreciation can lead to resentment and distance. This can stem from unintentional neglect as routines become established, or from deeper issues like communication breakdowns, unmet emotional needs, or unresolved conflict.
7. History keeps repeating itself
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Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to, and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?
Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappears only to reappear a few weeks later, telling you how much he misses you?
If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to say goodbye. Time to let go of what was and move forward to what could be.
You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the one for you, but it’s hard to admit this and even harder to say goodbye.
It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to say goodbye to a relationship that isn’t working. Do you feel good about yourself?
Are you communicating? Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? If the answer is "yes", keep working hard on your relationship. If not, perhaps it’s time to say goodbye.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
