7 Unsexy Ways To Have An Instantly Happier Relationship

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man hugging woman from the back

Men love to make us happy. If they love us, that is their number one goal. Make us happy. They feel "pound their chest" good about themselves. They see it as doing their job as a boyfriend — a job well done if they have provided that happiness for you.

I have known about his "happy" knowledge for several years and kept it in mind during my current relationship. I let him know what makes me happy so he can provide me with those things. He makes me happy therefore making him happy and all manly. It's not as easy as it sounds, working at it takes some practice and as the following story illustrates, not really getting it sometimes.

Lately, my man and I have seemed to be at cross purposes regarding common goals. We are stuck in place and not moving toward them. Just like every woman, I say let's talk about this. We talk. We agree. We move on. But we are still stuck. We're not getting the things we want or making any forward motion toward the goals we both have. 

An idea occurred to me that had me wondering if I was looking at it backward or maybe sideways.

Maybe he was doing what I wanted to make me happy but not doing what he wanted. Was he agreeing to what I wanted and not offering up anything he wanted? Yep. He has been agreeing to what I wanted to make me happy. Not out of his own desire to do specifically what I wanted but out of a desire to make me happy. Rip my hair out moment.

How can we do what "we" want if we are just doing what "I" want? What happened to us being a team?

What happened to having ideas, plans, and talking about what we want, compromising, and then doing what we BOTH want? This isn't a relationship if we aren't both contributing. Right? I felt selfish and blind about everything we have been doing for the past several years. I want and need him to be happy too.

I asked him why he did things that he didn't want to do. Oddly enough, he said while he may not want to do some of them it makes me happy so it makes him happy. Plus, sometimes he begins to want it too and is glad we did it.

I realized I needed to explain what I needed to make me happy — in-depth and with clarity. I thought I had been clear up til now but I guess I hadn't been. I had to tell him that his doing everything I want and not doing what he wants was NOT making me happy.

That discussion led to this, hopefully, helpful list.

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Here are seven unsexy ways to instantly have a happier relationship:

1. Share what makes you happy

Don't make him guess. If he does something that you like, tell him. He can't read your mind any more than you can read his. If you think he "should" know, think again. Verbalize and you get what you want. You're happy, he's happy. Win-win.

2. Find out what makes him happy

Let him know that making him happy is what you want to do too. Ask him to share some things with you that make him smile. It may be sex and we know that, so get specific. Again, verbalize.

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3. Follow through

Do what makes him happy. If you are going to ask for him to participate in this being happy thing, you have to follow through and do what makes him happy too.

4. Tell him you don't need him to agree with you to make you happy

We are both separate people with different ideas of what we want and just doing what one of you wants defeats the purpose of being a partnership. Yes, he may eventually like what you are doing, but it's still just what you want. Collaboration can create magic and isn't that what we all want?

5. Let him make you happy.

If you have given him the tool to make you happy, then let it happen and be happy with it. Never fake it. If you don't like something anymore, tell him before he goes to the effort. Remember, if you are happy, he is.

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6. Be grateful

Tell him how happy you are with what he provided for you. If he took you to your favorite restaurant, be grateful to him for remembering and making the effort to give you what you like. 

7. Be patient

Sometimes, we need to let them know everything we need to make us happy. Maybe they didn't have good training growing up or they just keep making mistakes. Be grateful for the effort and say next time this is what I would really like.

The biggest message is communication. If they need to be reminded, do it and ask them to remind you if you forget. This isn't about doing it right or doing it wrong. It is about loving together the best way we can.

The win that we have to remember is that if it makes you happy, he is high-fiving himself and feeling all manly. And being happy. 

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Audrey is a Certified Life Coach, Positive Psychology Coach, and a Strengths, Needs, and Values Coach. She helps people using directed techniques to step into a richer life for themselves.