10 Tiny Secrets To Become Irresistibly Approachable To Anyone

How to get someone of the other gender to be immediately attracted to you.

Last updated on Jan 12, 2024

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As a dating coach, one of the most common frustrations I hear is: "How can I get someone to ask me out when nobody even notices me in the first place?"

If you can relate, I have good news: You are not inherently invisible. The world is not divided into two groups of people: the naturally magnetic eye-catchers and the wallflowers who are destined to blend into the background. Using my simple 10 steps, you can make yourself more than just noticeable — you can transform yourself into someone who is irresistibly approachable to the opposite gender. 


Here are 10 tiny secrets to become irresistibly approachable to anyone:

1. Get out of the house 

First things first...you can't attract someone special if they can’t find you, so you've got to pry yourself away from those House reruns and get out into the world.

I know that it can be scary and sometimes it seems much easier to stay in your protected little bubble, but the reward you stand to gain is worth taking the risk. So put your shoes on and let's go!

RELATED: 3 Not-So-Obvious Ways To Instantly Attract Men

2. Dress confidently

If you want to get someone’s attention, you might need to step up your style a notch... and NOT for the reason you may think. I recommend wearing a colorful and flattering outfit not just because you'll turn heads (though you WILL), but because of the way it will make you feel.


When you look your best, it changes your whole demeanor. You know the phrase "Take pride in your appearance?" Well, when you're proud of how you look, your posture will straighten up, you'll feel more confident, and you'll be much more likely to make eye contact, smile, and possibly even strike up a conversation with someone new. That energy (fueled by self-esteem) will be incredibly attractive to others.



3. Don't walk like a New Yorker

Have you ever seen the way New Yorkers walk? They stride very quickly, head down, eyes on the ground (or anywhere that will prevent them from making eye contact of any kind), and plow through anyone and anything in their way to get to their destination as quickly and directly as possible.

Now I don't mean to pick on New Yorkers (I was one for years!). There's a reason why most Manhattanites seem to walk the same way. With overwhelming crowds, crime, people begging for money, and solicitors trying to sell them something on every street corner, they don't want to attract any attention.


However, if you're in a safe, well-lit area and are familiar with your surroundings, I want to encourage you to remember the words "Don't walk like a New Yorker." Try walking this way instead: shoulders back, head up, straight posture, moderate (not fast!) pace, arms swinging slightly. You want your walk to say "I'm confident" and "I'm open to possibilities."

If you're finding it difficult to cultivate a confident walk, try this exercise. (It might sound a little goofy but believe me, it works!): Pick a song with an upbeat theme and a good, moderate beat. This is going to be your theme song. Load it onto your iPod and take it with you for a "practice walk." Walk to the beat (this is subtle — you're not dancing, you're just getting a good pace to your steps), breathe, enjoy the lyrics, think positive thoughts, and smile. You'll be amazed at how walking to your theme song will give you a boost.

Now the next time you're out and about, I want you to remember how you felt with your theme song. Hear the song in your head and walk as if it's playing. Pay attention to how your face feels. Are you scowling without even meaning to? If so, soften the muscles in your face and allow your mouth to curl up ever so slightly into an almost smile. Widen your eyes just a bit so that you appear awake, interested in your surroundings, and excited about the world around you.

Now notice how people who pass you begin to take notice of you. It's subtle, but I guarantee that those who aren't completely lost in their little worlds will acknowledge you in some way. Men might even smile back or say hello! (If this doesn't happen right away, don't be discouraged. Just practice this confident walk wherever you go from now on, and you will soon notice a difference.)


4. Be a billboard for happiness

When you're excited about life, it shows... And it rubs off on others. People gravitate toward happy people because they want the contentment that they have. So wipe that scowl off your face, curb the cynicism, and radiate the most positive energy you can muster. (If you're finding this difficult to do, start the day by making a gratitude list of 5 things you're thankful for — it can be your health, your charmingly crooked smile, or even your dog's unconditional love. This will change your outlook.)

People are much more likely to approach someone who is smiling, laughing, and happily engaged with her surroundings (rather than the frowning, hunched-over person muttering complaints under her breath... who'd want to spend time with HER?). Like the "Got Milk?" ad campaign, try being a walking billboard for "Got Joy?"

RELATED: How To Flirt With A Guy So He Can’t Get You Off His Mind

5. Use body language to your advantage

Did you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? That means 93% is nonverbal body language. In other words, your actions (very literally) speak louder than your words.


Photo: cottonbro studio/Pexels

If someone spots you across the room but you have your arms folded across your chest, that sends the subconscious signal "Stay away. I'm closed off."
Conversely, if your posture is good and your shoulders are back, opening up your frame, sends the message that your heart is open to possibilities (even if he's not consciously aware of it).

When you're engaged in conversation, leaning in toward the person you’re speaking with conveys interest (that's when being in a loud, crowded bar can work to your advantage! It gives you a legitimate reason to lean in and talk in one another's ear, which creates a connection).


If you're seated, pointing your legs toward the person you’re interested in also sends an unspoken message. Very literally, it is the act of aligning your body with his that signals, "We're in line with one another."

6. Attract attention with a prop

When someone wants to meet you, they'll usually look for any reason under the sun to strike up a conversation.

Any kind of prop — your dog, a t-shirt with a funny slogan on it, your tennis racket slung over your shoulder, a sweatshirt with your alma mater's logo, a funky piece of jewelry, a book with an intriguing title on the cover — these are all things that someone might feel compelled to make a comment on or approach you about.

Perfect example: My friend Amy has the most fabulous pants. She calls them her "chicken wire pants." She found them at a vintage store — they're bright orange and they have the pattern of — you guessed it — chicken wire stamped all over them. (Trust me, words don't do them justice.) One day she was strolling down the street (in New York City of all places!) when she heard a man's voice say, "Excuse me..."


When she turned around, Amy was surprised to see a handsome guy standing there. "I'm sorry to bother you but I just HAD to tell you how great those pants are!!!"

Amy, of course, was flattered and they struck up a conversation. The hot guy asked for her number and took her out to dinner! (She changed her pants for the occasion.)

Now, the chicken wire pants aren't for everyone (Amy is a brave girl who can pull anything off with her spunky attitude and radiant smile), but you get the picture. If you can give someone just a little something more than "Uh....hello" that they can grasp onto and make small talk with, you've instantly become more approachable.

7. Spark up spontaneous conversation

Sometimes, a person might be too shy, too preoccupied, or too oblivious to their surroundings to initiate a conversation with you. That doesn't mean that you have to let the opportunity pass you by.


Let's say you’re at Starbucks, and you spot a gorgeous stranger standing in line in front of you. You hear him order a Mocha-Choca-Latte. That’s YOUR order too! You move over to the pickup area, and the barista calls out "MOCHA-CHOCA-LATTE for Erica!"

This is the perfect opportunity to acknowledge your shared love of the same beverage as a possible way to break the ice and spark a conversation. What if, instead of dashing out the door, you grab your drink, tip it toward your dream man as if you were toasting "cheers!" and say a funny, innocuous little thing like, "Breakfast of Champions!"

Maybe he’ll simply smile. But maybe — just maybe — he’ll say, "You're telling ME. I can't even function until I've had two of those..." Bonding over your caffeine habit might lead to introducing yourselves by name, even exchanging business cards, or making a date.

You never know...just by being the one to go out on a limb and initiate conversation, you could be opening the door to a special connection!


RELATED: 5 Easy Steps To Get Men To Approach You

8. Make others feel interesting

Human beings love to feel important, and useful, and that their opinion is valuable. That's why one of the easiest ways to make yourself approachable is to ask for help. For example, try one of these icebreakers on the next person that catches your eye:

"Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Smith Street?"

"My friends and I are looking for a good happy hour around this neighborhood. Can you recommend a place?"

"What are you drinking? That looks good...Should I order one?"

"Do you have a pen I can borrow?" (This can get the ball rolling if they want to ask for your number!)


9. A little flattery will get you everywhere

One of the most basic needs we all have as people is to be accepted. This is why someone giving us a little compliment ("Wow...that shirt brings out your eyes") can make our whole day.

Often, when someone gets up the courage to approach us, they'll start with small talk and wait for some kind of signal that we're interested before they take the risk to ask us out. A small, genuine, well-placed compliment could be just the green light they're looking for.

If you're not sure what constitutes a flattering compliment, consider what you would like to hear yourself. Catcalling "nice butt!" isn't going to help your case, but commenting on the book they're reading with a playful, "I can see you've got a great taste...that's my favorite book" just might.

10. Loose up and laugh

Everyone is nervous and a little unsure of themselves when they meet someone new. And when you're nervous, you're probably not going to come off as completely polished and pulled together as you'd like.


Guess what? This is a good thing.

Believe it or not, one of the quickest ways to endear yourself to the opposite gender is by letting them catch a glimpse of your vulnerability or humanity. This lets them know that it's okay to let their guard down a little bit. Now I don't mean that you should burst into tears or wear your heart on your sleeve... I just mean that if you fumble your words a little or accidentally take a sip from their drink instead of yours, go ahead and have a laugh. They'll think it's cute, not clumsy.

Take a cue from one of the most endearing moments in awards ceremony history: Jennifer Garner (an actress who's known for her highly physical role in the now-defunct hit show Alias) walked up to the podium to present an Oscar, tripped on her gown, and fell on her face. She jumped up, brushed herself off, and without missing a beat said, "I do my stunts." It was adorable and it got a huge laugh.

(If only I had thought of that line when I wiped out down a flight of stairs on my second date with my husband. Oops!)


RELATED: Want Him To Be Intrigued? Then Be Intriguing — Here's How

Paige Parker is an author and the founder of Dating Without Drama. She teaches women to improve their self-esteem and better understand men so they can find and keep a loving relationship.