4 Things Deeply Unhappy People Do That Keep Them From Finding Love
Deeply unhappy people do things that penetrate their reality, most of the time not even realizing it.
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock By Dr. Seth Meyers
When it comes to dating, people fall prey to all sorts of distorted beliefs they might not realize. We are all guilty of at least one or two of the things deeply unhappy people do regularly that make dating stressful and unpleasant, and the odds are they resonate with you.
Most of us are guilty of having distorted beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. The goal isn’t to have perfectly happy and normal all the time, but to catch ourselves when our thinking might be getting a little off-track.
Here are four things unhappy people do that keep them from finding love:
1. They over-generalize
With this distorted belief, we arrive at a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we convince ourselves it will happen every time.
For example, if your last date didn’t want to kiss you at the end of the evening, you over-generalize the situation and tell yourself, “No one is attracted to me.” The healthy way to frame the experience: “I don’t know why they didn’t like me, but people have liked me in the past, and someone will inevitably like me again in the future.”
2. They jump to conclusions
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Jumping to conclusions represents one of the most common mistakes people make in dating, falling prey to the belief that they have X-ray vision and can see what someone else thinks and feels.
Without your date saying anything, you don't know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. The tendency to jump to conclusions and convince yourself that you know what the other person thinks or feels represents a distorted belief because you simply cannot know what someone new thinks or feels. Why? Because you hardly know that person! Plain and simple, you have a distorted belief.
3. They catastrophize
People who present the next distorted belief, catastrophizing, tend to be overly emotional. They may be drama queens or attention seekers, or they may have anxiety, profound insecurities, or bad tempers. Regardless of the specifics, they are emotional people and can be highly emotionally reactive.
With this distorted belief, you are always waiting for disaster to strike. For example, the person you have gone out with a few times suddenly stops responding to your calls and texts for a day. Because your distorted belief system causes you to see everything as a potential catastrophe, you instantly tell yourself they lost interest, broke up without even telling you, and are probably getting back together with their ex.
People who have this distorted belief — that a catastrophe awaits around any corner — tend to have intense highs and lows in their dating relationships.
4. They take everything personally
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Personalizing reflects another distorted belief that impacts many people in dating. Personalizing refers to the tendency to take something personally that may not be personal.
For example, you call the person you just started dating on the phone, and they sound distracted and irritated, so you personalize the situation and have the distorted belief that the way they acted with you had to do with the way they feel about you.
The healthy reaction: “I don’t know her very well, so I can’t be sure what to make of her mood, so I will wait a day, and things will probably go back to normal.”
5. They allow their own reality to become distorted
Cognitive distortion is the fancy term for a distorted belief, a belief that doesn’t make sense because it’s not rooted in reality. For example, a thin person who truly feels that they are overweight has a distorted belief. The idea is that this distorted belief is pervasive and has the effect of making the person feel bad about themselves.
Another example: I may come up with a million reasons why a date might not like me, but the root problem could be that I have a distorted belief about myself that underlies everything I say and do: the belief that “I am not good enough” or that “Something is wrong with me.”
Some therapists are called cognitive-behavioral therapists, and this type of therapist focuses on the beliefs you have about yourself and helps you uncover any distorted beliefs that might be holding you back in your life.
Once you identify the ones you display, pat yourself on the back because becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to changing them. Keep an eye on your tendency to indulge in any of these four distorted beliefs, and you will have a much less anxious and more fulfilling time dating.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist and author who treats a wide range of issues and disorders. He specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
