So Many People Get Divorced Over These 11 Things That Are Totally Normal After Years Of Marriage
Let these issues strengthen your marriage instead of tearing it apart.
Ground Picture | Shutterstock After being married to someone for many years, the relationship tends to go through changes. Some of these changes, if not managed in a healthy way, can lead to divorce despite them being natural occurrences for individuals who have been in a relationship for so long.
When experiencing these changes within your marriage, try to embrace them with your partner. In doing so, you may realize that they can actually have a strengthening impact on your relationship, rather than tearing it apart. Consider that it is not always about the change itself, but rather about the way the couple goes about handling the change.
Here are 11 things that are totally normal after years of marriage, but some people get divorced over:
1. The spark changes
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In long-term relationships, it is completely natural and healthy for the spark between two people to change. In the beginning stages of a relationship, novelty fuels an initial spark that is predicated on how new the relationship feels, so it makes sense that the initial spark eventually shifts from having a new feeling to having a known feeling.
“For some people, this shift might feel like the loss of a romantic spark, but it can also indicate a deeper bond with someone you cherish,” explains BetterHelp, a team of licensed therapists who help to make therapy accessible to everyone who needs it. While some partners may choose to end their relationship over this shift in their spark, others view it as a sign that they have reached a new and deeper level of their marriage, making it stronger than ever.
2. Silence overtakes small talk
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While the intent behind the silence has a lot to do with whether or not it is healthy in a marriage, comfortable silence is considered natural and a healthy attribute of a relationship. Being able to sit in silence with your partner rather than constantly feel like you have to create meaningless small talk is a sign that the connection between the two of you is deepening.
When you reach this point in your marriage, it shows that trust and a mature stage of intimacy are occurring.
“Positive silence is necessary for strong relationships to last. Healthy silence can show a level of vulnerability and comfort within a relationship,” according to Ross Hickman, a licensed professional counselor with a LPC-Supervisor credential.
When marriages end in divorce due to silence overtaking small talk, this may be due to a misunderstanding of what the silence means, leading to an emotional disconnect. This could also be due to negative silence that erodes trust and intimacy within a relationship.
3. Partners sleep on different schedules or in different beds
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A relationship has the opportunity to thrive when both partners are getting the best sleep their bodies need. Getting the best sleep sometimes requires partners to sleep on different schedules or sleep separately. While this is conducive to building a healthy relationship for most partners, some decide it is a reason to divorce due to a failure to communicate and feeling emotionally and physically distant.
“Sleep is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, regardless of whether couples choose to sleep together or separately. Research has shown that sleep significantly impacts our emotions, communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and empathy. All of these things are critical components of strong relationships. Sacrificing sleep can impair these crucial relationship skills,” explains Wendy M. Troxel, Ph.D., a senior behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation.
4. More errands than dates
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When you have been married to your partner for years, there is a shift within the relationship. The partnership becomes based on more functional practices rather than always going to court over one another and going out on dates. While making efforts to stay connected and making time for dates is still a crucial part of a healthy relationship, the mundane tasks also open up opportunities to build a healthy relationship.
“Daily chores can feel mundane, but they can also be transformed into bonding opportunities. Folding laundry, meal prepping, or tidying up together creates a shared sense of accomplishment. Add in lightheartedness, like joking around or playing music, to make it feel less like work and more like teamwork,” explains Kaida Hollister, an expert in marital reconciliation and family therapy.
5. Partners find more to be annoyed about
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No marriage is complete without its occasional ups and downs and feelings of annoyance. While being so close to your partner constantly during marriage, you are bound to find reasons to be irritated with them, but this is a sign that the marriage is healthy and normal.
While those who divorce over this annoyance tend to do so because they fail to view it as an opportunity to work through conflicts and grow the relationship, those who stay together and participate in productive conversation will reap the benefits of doing so. Hannah Brooks, a HSP love and marriage coach, discusses how letting go of annoyance by understanding the underlying reasons you are annoyed, figuring out exactly what the feelings you are having mean, and determining what kind of self-care habit you can incorporate to manage your annoyance, are all steps you can take to help the annoyance strengthen your marriage instead of destroying it.
6. More financial conversations
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Having more frequent financial conversations in your marriage may not seem like the most engaging thing to discuss, but these conversations are crucial in a healthy marriage. While these constant conversations occasionally end in divorce for some couples due to their preference for more light-hearted and loving conversation, financial transparency in a relationship can help to build trust and goals if it is accepted.
“These conversations can deepen understanding and empathy. You'll learn more about your partner's values, fears, and aspirations and develop a stronger sense of teamwork and collaboration,” according to Kristen Ricupero, a financial coach and owner of Financial Fitness Coaching.
7. Changes in attraction
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In most marriages, attraction will change over time. This is very normal and healthy because the connection no longer relies so heavily on physical appearance, but rather is strengthened by an emotional bond.
This may cause some couples to divorce if they realize attraction was the primary thing holding their relationship together, or if this leads to a lack of intimacy, they may begin to feel undervalued and a lack of emotional connection. However, those who choose to remain married and handle changes in attraction in a healthy way will find that their deeper emotional connection adds resilience to their marriage and allows the trust and security in the relationship to prosper.
8. More arguments
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If arguments are approached in a healthy and respectful manner, they can actually be conducive to building a strong and successful marriage. Most people who choose to separate due to the number of arguments they have with their partner are not experiencing healthy arguments. Each partner may not be allowing the other person to feel heard or valued, and there is only so long a marriage can last when it feels one-sided.
“Arguments require active listening, empathy, and the willingness to find common ground. Through this process, couples can better understand each other’s perspectives, needs, and boundaries,” explains Jousline Savra, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
If arguments are handled in this manner, the relationship will be strengthened.
9. Changes in romance
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After being married for many years, the relationship goes from being extremely exciting to emotionally resilient and deep. This is normal and healthy, but some couples still choose to divorce due to these changes in romance.
As passionate love transitions into compassionate love, some couples have trouble adapting to this new dynamic and fail to nurture their newfound connection and romance. Couples who nurture this new dynamic can endure a lasting love.
“One important thing to remember about these two types of love is that passionate love is usually briefer, while compassionate love may be more likely to stand the test of time. Passionate love is intense, but it is generally very fleeting,” according to Kendra Cherry, MSEd, a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist.
10. Having doubts
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While most would consider questioning and doubts within a relationship to be worrisome, it is actually a sign of a healthy relationship with your partner and yourself. Allowing yourself time for self-reflection and really taking time to consider your marriage can lead to growth and reconnection to take place in the marriage.
Some couples may allow these initial doubts to make them stray away from their marriage and choose to divorce out of fear. Those who choose to communicate their feelings to their partners and allow for changed perspectives set themselves up for a healthy relationship.
11. Priorities evolve
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Evolving priorities are a healthy and natural part of a relationship. As each partner grows and together they decide to start a family or pursue different careers, their priorities change, and sometimes that means the primary focus and attention cannot be on one another. These changes need to be handled in a healthy manner for the relationship to continue growing.
“While the evolution of personal priorities is a natural and healthy part of life, couples must learn and practice emotional skills, like effective communication, to manage these changes within their relationship. Couples therapy can be helpful when priorities change in relationships,” explains Mary Beth Luedtke, a licensed professional clinical counselor.
While it can be natural and healthy for these things to occur, if they are not handled in a healthy manner and there is a lack of effective communication in a relationship, they can cause many couples to choose to end their marriage. Practice healthy habits when managing these things and watch as your marriage strengthens and grows.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
