8 Things To Do When Your Wife Is Mad At You, According To A Couples Therapist (Who Is Also A Husband)
No man can be perfect, but a great husband knows how to get close.
Getty Relationships take a lot of work, and at times, they're downright hard. In every relationship, there will be disagreements, and sometimes you may even argue.
According to a UCLA study on commitment in marriage (which followed 174 husbands and wives for their first eleven years of marriage), couples who lasted did three important things during conflict:
- They compromised during the conflict
- They were able to make sacrifices when engaged in conflict
- They continued to view themselves as a team
- They focus on keeping their relationship strong
Here are 8 things to do when your wife is mad at you, according to a couples therapist who is also a husband:
1. Apologize authentically
We hurt each other in our close relationships. Sometimes we do it on purpose. However, often we have no idea what just happened, but we know our partner is upset and hurt.
So, what should you do if you realize you've hurt your significant other and now she's upset with you? First, you need to apologize. Then you need to reconnect and turn that "I want to win" sentiment into "I want us to win, together".
2. Find out what's going on
Rachata Teyparsit via Shutterstock
A good first step is to find out as much as you can about what just happened. If you know what hurts your partner, give her a chance to talk about it. Or, if you don't know why, ask her to share her feelings and give her a chance to talk about it.
This is not the time to defend yourself; it is a time to listen. Your partner would not be upset without a good reason, and now is the time to find out what that real reason is. Even if it was an unintentional hurt, she's still wounded, and you need to know more about it.
3. Give some space, if needed
Depending on the level of upset and how your love handles hurt feelings, she might need a while before she's willing to talk to you about it. So, back off and grant her time and space to think.
4. Talk the issue through and clarify anything you're uncertain of
Once she shares her feelings about the matter, ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand. Before going any further, make sure you've allowed your partner to fully express how she feels and to tell the whole story.
5. Find out if there is more to the story
If there is more to the story that she doesn’t know, ask if she is willing to hear what you know that she may not. But, be very cautious here that you're not:
- Trying to protect yourself or cover up what you've done
- Attempting to minimize her upset
- Blaming her for being upset
- Stirring the pot and doing it to her all over again
- Being defensive
6. Begin repairing the damage
Face Stock via Shutterstock
As soon as you can, sincerely apologize for what you've said or done (even if you did not intend to hurt her).
Let her know that you get it — she feels hurt and you're sorry. Acknowledge that you understand why she's upset, or why she feels the way she does, and that you want to do everything you can to fix and repair the damage done.
7. Ask if there is something they need from you
Make it clear that you want to fix things, so if there is something she needs from you to help make things right, you're willing to do it.
8. Talk about future steps
ou know that your partner understands that you "get it" and has accepted your apology, it's time to talk about the future. If you learned something or figured out something new that you think might help in a future situation, bring it up and see if she agrees.
If you have some ideas that might help the two of you handle a similar situation more productively, share your ideas and ask for her input. If you have ideas about how she could play a role to avoid a situation like this in the future, talk about your ideas. But be careful not to shift the blame to her!
Couples who are successful in their relationships learn how to problem solve, to accept responsibility for their actions, and to forgive each other.
Depending on how severe the offense is, it may take some time to repair the rift completely.
Exercise patience while waiting for your partner to fully forgive and let go of the hurt. This is a time to treat her the way you'd want her to treat you when she hurts you.
It takes effort and plenty of hard work to repair the damage we inflict (however accidentally) without making things worse. But when we do it right, the making up process is quite rewarding and fun!
Drs. David and Debbie McFadden are a husband-and-wife team specializing in helping struggling and distressed couples in the US and Canada.
