5 Things Deeply Insecure Women Do On A Regular Basis That Push Men Away
These unappealing behaviors often stem from fear.
Strelciuc Dumitru | Canva You see a guy. Your eyes meet. Your heart races. He smiles. You smile. You go out and have a nice time. You go on a second date. He says he’ll call, and he does. You see each other a few more times and think this could be the beginning of something great. Suddenly it's over.
He stops calling. He ignores your texts. You’re left scratching your head and wondering what the heck happened. The good news is you’re not alone — many deeply insecure women often inadvertently exhibit the same behaviors that make a man lose interest.
Here are five things deeply insecure women do regularly that push men away:
1. Texting way more frequently than him
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Do you initiate things more often? If your texts are double the number of his, your balance may be shaky. One of the main reasons a man pulls away is something that women tend to do, known as 'filling the space.'
This is how it works: When two people meet, there is a space between the two of them, and they each take turns stepping into this space. They may step into it with their words, their presence, or their actions.
If one person fills all the space, the dynamic loses its balance. The guy gets turned off, and he doesn’t even know why, exactly.
2. Sending him long texts while his replies are brief and boring
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Are his texts short and curt — like the ever eloquent, “k” — while yours are well thought out soliloquies that rival Shakespeare? Stop sending him paragraphs.
If you’re the predominant space-filler in the relationship, you are likely a leader or initiator in the dating dynamic. There's nothing wrong with this! However, when it comes to dating, particularly in the early stages of dating, this imbalance can disrupt the chance to create a bond with him, at least in his mind.
A man who doesn’t feel there's any room for him or to take initiative will dislike the imbalanced dynamic. He will reluctantly take a backseat and, ultimately, resign and pull away from the relationship. A 2015 study showed that "self-disclosure helps reduce uncertainty and allows rapport and trust to develop." So, if you always take the initiative, he has fewer opportunities for self-disclosure.
3. Throwing yourself at him
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Overt intimate physicality at the beginning of a relationship, especially before you've had a chance to get to know his preferences, character, and more about him as a person, can be a turn-off, despite what we’ve learned from every movie ever.
When you throw yourself at a guy you don’t know anything about, you risk losing his trust. A 2005 study explored the differing gender attitudes and abilities of discussing intimacy in a new relationship, which are especially complicated by traditional attitudes toward gender roles.
4. Doing too much of the talking
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Does silence make you uncomfortable? Do you often have something to say or feel the need to comment on everything that comes up?
It’s fantastic to be a vibrant woman who brings conversation to a relationship (otherwise, it’s just physical intimacy and staring blankly at the wall), but if you find yourself interjecting into silences just because you're uncomfortable, your words become a barrier to intimacy rather than a facilitator of it.
5. Asking so many questions, you come across as an interrogator
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Are your questions in regards to the nature of your relationship constantly related to where it’s going, and what he’s thinking about, in an almost accusatory tone? Questions like these at the onset of a relationship can come across as desperate and controlling.
This isn’t to say you can’t or shouldn't discuss what you’re each looking for, but make sure the discussion is reciprocal, rather than making him feel as though you're shining a light in his face as he sits in a cold, dark, confined space.
Messing with the natural dynamic of a relationship paints you as someone insecure. Even if this perception is unfair and undeserved, it still comes across that way. It tells the man that you’re not actually into him. Rather, you’re into the idea of the title, the safety, the status of the union.
Communication in a relationship is important, but talking about your future together has a time and place, and it is best reserved for later, once you’ve gotten to know each other, like each other, and respect each other.
After that, there's nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who truly sees him, sees his contributions to the relationship, and dares to take initiative and speak with him openly and honestly. The moral of the story is simple: cultivating relationships takes patience.
As renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman explained, "Couples need to cultivate attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy. These qualities inspire confidence in couples, and the sense that despite the inevitable struggles, the relationship is enduring and resilient."
The disappearing man is a common problem for women and leaving a trail of women with wounded self-esteem. Ghosting makes the end of a relationship far more difficult than it might have been, to simply tell you the motivation for his departure.
Usually, his silence at the end of a relationship is the result of one of these three things:
- He is unable to articulate why he's just not feeling it.
- He wants to spare you hurt feelings.
- Harsh as it sounds, he doesn’t care enough about the relationship to take the time to explain himself.
Because he won’t say why he ghosted, you're left in the difficult position of trying to guess. Often, this results in you repeating the same self-defeating patterns, because how can you learn from something no one can ever explain to you?
It’s not that he has to be in control all of the time, but there needs to be a balance. When you are the one in charge at all times, you begin to feel inferior. All people, by nature, shy away from things that make them feel less than.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics
