5 Types Of People Who Regularly Bring Chaos Into Your Life
If your life always feels messy, one of these five people might be the reason.
Andreshkova Nastya | Shutterstock Everyone knows there are certain people to avoid while dating because they come with the big, glaring red flags of a chaotic relationship. Some are obvious: The serial cheater, the abuser, the liar, the control freak, they are screaming "Be careful" in your face.
But what about the ones you might not notice? The more subtle indications you can spot if you know where to look before you get in too deep with the type of person who will regularly turn calm into instant chaos.
Here are five types of people who regularly bring chaos into your life:
1. The person who is already in a relationship
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Sometimes, people find themselves with a married or already attached person because that person insists they won’t be together for long. When that is added to genuine romantic feelings, turning away is easier said than done.
More times than not, this only leads to heartbreak. The third wheel rarely becomes the main wheel, though it has happened. The best thing to do if you’re in this situation is to step back and let them fix their mess. Once they have it fixed (or, more accurately, if they fix it) and become single, the road reopens. But until it does, consider this as nothing but a dead end.
"No matter how great they are, your still-married person is going to disappoint you," cautioned life coach Mitzi Bockmann. "They won’t want to, and might even tell you they won’t, but they will. And when your relationship ends, you will be left alone, needing to start over on your journey to find love. So, find the strength to not choose married people who are not yet divorced, and walk away if you have already started dating one! You will be happy you did."
2. The person who's on the rebound
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Think about yourself when you have been on the rebound:
- Were you truly ready to date?
- Were you all in?
- Could you give yourself emotionally?
- Were you just biding your time so you didn’t have to feel alone?
People on the rebound are not usually available for long-term, serious commitments. They’re still mired in the grief process and moving through their loss. Rebounders don’t hold onto the proverbial ball the entire game; they get rid of it as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
3. The person who lacks independence
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We all know this is a bit of a stereotype: The deadbeat living in their parents' basement, hair a mess, and fingers covered with Cheeto dust. But the stereotype is purely hyperbolic. These days, it’s common to see all sorts of people, from the immature to the wildly successful, still living under their parents’ roof.
But the real problem is being overly dependent on other people for all their needs. This isn’t to say they are terrible. On the contrary, they may be nice, empathetic, and funny. But they are not available if they aren't Ok taking care of themselves.
They are still in a childlike mentality, and that is a giant problem. You don’t want an immature person. Why? Because you want to be someone’s partner, you don’t want to be their parent.
Bockmann explained from her lived experience, "By ignoring red flags, cheating, and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged. Awareness of these patterns was key to my starting to make a change.
"I needed help. I needed someone to help me break those patterns, to help me make better choices, to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to a healthy relationship. So, I got myself a life coach, and, working together, I was able to break that pattern of bringing chaos into my relationship and learn how to be happy with peace."
4. The person who is a broken bird for you to fix
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The broken bird is the person who has been through some really hard times. They might be depressed or defeated or just plain down on their luck. When people get involved with broken birds, you run the risk of automatically stepping into the role of savior, and you end up not dating someone for who they are.
You date them for who they could be. This dynamic sets the stage for improper boundaries and prevents you from protecting yourself. The best relationships are those where two partners are equal, not those where one person is trying to control the other. Remodeling might work in old houses. In people? Not so much.
5. The person who manipulates your feelings
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The spin artist is, at heart, a liar, but a subtle one.
- They lie early and often in the relationship by telling you bits and parts of the truth or maybe a variation of it.
- They might lie by omission or only reveal a portion of the story that justifies their actions, which makes them sound like they always come out on top.
- They always have an excuse and a slippery presence that leaves you uneasy, though you might not be able to put your finger on exactly why, at first.
They might say something hurtful and, when you react to the hurt, they claim you’re being too sensitive. They might do something deceitful and then blame you for “not getting over it.” They might even lie to you over and over, and then roll their eyes when you tell them you can’t trust them. They dodge accountability at all costs. You should dodge them the same way.
Health coach Lisa Newman suggested, "When someone says you're being too sensitive, that's an example of a semantic stop sign. It’s used to masterfully dismiss dissent and end a conversation. They make you wonder to yourself, 'Am I being too sensitive?'"
Accusations such as being called sensitive often ride together with other semantic stop signs that blame and judge, including being accused of being difficult, not letting things go, or taking things personally. All of these statements serve the purpose of shutting down further discussion while also covering up and rationalizing faulty reasoning."
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.
