4 Simple Things To Do When Your Heart Feels Absolutely Shattered Beyond Repair
When it feels like your heart will never heal, these steps can help you start putting the pieces back together.
Emily Machan | Unsplash You’ve been dumped, and suddenly your world seems entirely different from it did just moments ago. You want to begin the necessary business of creating a new normal, but you find yourself continuously over-analyzing as you replay scenes from the relationship in your head.
Your playlist is stuck on depressing music. Your friends are growing tired of your emotional roller coaster. You know you have to get a grip, but you feel powerless to control your thoughts and feelings — heartbroken and lonely one minute, then victimized, angry, and humiliated the next.
The more you try to repress these thoughts, the more they rule your mind. You're stalking social media sites to track his every move (and find out if he's moved on to another relationship). That thought in particular is sure to send panic coursing through your blood.
You’re not alone. When we're in love, powerful chemicals flood our bodies. These chemicals are as addictive and powerful as cocaine. When we break up, it can seem as painful as quitting an addiction.
While there is no easy way out of heartbreak, and there are no short cuts through the pain, there are ways you can take control of your healing process to maximize your strength and minimize the amount of time you spend in such acute pain. Deciding to persevere through the pain is key.
Here are 4 simple things to do when your heart feels shattered beyond repair:
1. Set down your ego
Our egos protect us. Our egos give us courage, ambition, and drive. Our egos, however, despise being bumped and bruised. Like cobras, when they sense trouble, our egos flare.
During a breakup, the ego tries to protect us by saving our pride. In the name of pride, the ego creates all sorts of falsehoods that seem like the truth to break free of the powerful chemicals surging through our brains.
Thinking it's a good idea to share private photos online, drunk text, or slander your ex? That's your pesky ego running the show. Misguided, ego-driven decisions create more drama and lengthen the time it takes to slog through the pain.
Give your ego some much-needed time off. You're an adult. You control your actions. It might be uncomfortable, but no matter what your ego suggests, resist the temptation to act on feelings of pain or humiliation. Catch your breath and process the pain without an audience, especially on social media.
Your ego will likely protest and demand action, retribution, or attention, but do not give in. When a relationship ends, the pain is often a mix of both authentic grief over the loss of love and the sting of a bruised ego. One study suggested that confusing ego pain with true heartbreak can prolong suffering and lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms.
2. Take ownership of your own responsibility for what went wrong
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With the ego out of the way, you can quiet your mind and reflect on the relationship. Did you not speak up when something needed to be said?
Did you ignore your gut feelings? Did you avoid confrontation in your relationship? Was there too much confrontation? Did you refuse to see the signs?
Blaming everything on another person only serves as a release valve to transfer the pain. Give yourself control.
Taking responsibility for your share of the breakdown doesn't mean excusing the other person’s behavior; it simply means you own what is rightly yours. Take what is yours, learn from it, and move on.
Understanding and acknowledging your role in a breakup shifts your mindset from helplessness to empowerment, research has found. By identifying patterns, such as being a people-pleaser or passive partner, you can choose to act differently in the future.
3. Allow yourself time to grieve, but set a 'timer'
Depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, the amount of time you truly need will vary, but it's important to allow yourself time to mourn. Wallow in your misery and wear it like a dark, wet blanket. When time is up — even if you don’t feel ready — pick yourself up and move on.
You might still feel brittle. The pain might be searing. The humiliation may still feel unbearable. But the discomfort and pain won’t kill you.
According to research, fighting your feelings can intensify suffering. Instead, giving sadness the attention it demands can help it dissipate more quickly and fully.
4. Cut off the breakup’s oxygen
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Stop talking about it. Don’t allow others to talk about it. Delete him from social media. Stop acting as if the breakup is even a "thing." Tell people you are fine — because you are.
Harvard social psychologist Amy Cuddy asserts in her famous TED Talk that force-changing our body language in ways such as faking a smile can change not only our perceptions of ourselves, but also how others perceive us.
So get out there and fake confidence, fake composure, and fake fun — every single day if you have to. For weeks, if you must.
Faking it is good for you. It signals to your brain that you are going to be okay. Faking it allows the ego to shine with enough space to do what it does best: build you back up. Instead of seeking revenge, now the ego says to itself, "I guess we're supposed to be happy and confident now! I’ll get to work on that!" And it does.
The ego rebuilds you slowly — this time, with your best interests in mind. No longer seeking revenge or plotting drama, the ego works double-time to make you whole again, as well as stronger, more confident, and happier.
Healing comes from deliberate actions. When you make thoughtful and calm decisions toward recovery, your brain develops the muscle memory it needs to overcome hardship in the future. A broken heart heals most efficiently when you consciously decide you will heal well.
T-Ann Pierce is a transformational life coach who helps empower parents to create healthy relationships with their children.
