11 Things People Do When When Their Hearts Get Broken, Even Though They Don't Work
The behaviors that rob us of our peace without us even realizing.
Polina Tankilevitch | Canva I say this over and over, but it's true every time: there is nothing worse than a broken heart. And in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies from a broken heart — and neither will you. But you still have to do the work of getting better, and that means avoiding some of the "broken heart" traps.
The key to resisting these twelve common mistakes people make when they have a broken heart is to focus on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task, but you can do it! To get you started, here are 12 things most people do when their hearts get broken that only make heartbreak worse.
1. They push away their feelings
One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken. After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to avoid. But that avoidance comes at a cost.
Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.
But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.
The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better. And that is how you start to heal.
2. They let their feelings consume them
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For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop! At least, after letting the initial grief pour over you. See, feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing. Letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.
I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. Yes, they are there, in the background, but you are not going to let them ruin you.
There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. You cannot allowe yourself to spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.
3. They try to stay friendly with the ex
You may be thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh”. I hear this all the time, especially from women. They feel like they are being unkind if they do those things.
They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together. And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.
A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.
It's the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.
Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.
Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions — illusions that take a toll on our well-being. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.
So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.
4. They look for confirmation that their ex is evil
Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on social media, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?
I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are, but being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.
Reach out to your friends and family IRL, instead. They know you, they may even know your ex, and it's likely they want the best for you.
5. They forget all the bad
This is a very important one. If you want to heal from a broken heart, you need to make a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.
When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship — that it was perfect — think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.
And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break-up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.
So, get out a pen and paper (use paper, you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.
And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.
6. They couch rot and doom scroll
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Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.
Of course you are. Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.
And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.
Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.
It doesn’t have to be a big effort - maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more - maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister. Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.
The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.
7. They allow themselves to soak in misery
The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.
But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life, doing things like seeing friends and walking my dog. I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.
So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.
And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.
What would be a good thing for you to dig into?
8. They create a victimhood story where there could be empowerment
This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken: they play the victim card. The act like they were wronged: that they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them; that their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever; that they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.
It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.
I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!
9. They let low vibes lead the way
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One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.
Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.
I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.
The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy, to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.
10. They forget their past triumphs
I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.
And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!
11. They think they'll never find love again
I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again. And I can promise you that this just isn't true.
Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift. You didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.
If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
