10 Simple Habits People In Good Marriages Practice Every Single Day, According To Experts
Some of them are boring, but they make such a huge difference to marital bliss.
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock Marriage and change go hand-in-hand. It's no wonder that traditional marital vows are literally all about how spouses need to support and accept one another, no matter what circumstances come their way. All marriages, no matter how strong, or deeply connected, will experience strain when change happens. This is why couples benefit so much when they introduce the concept of radical acceptance into their relationship.
If you're unfamiliar with the concept, you can get a great introduction to it in Andrea Miller's book, Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love. It offers a relatable, actionable five-step plan to help couples realize the long-term benefits of introducing more empathy and compassion into their marriage.
It's both a selfless and a selfish act, because the act of empathizing with your spouse ends up making it a lot easier to empathize with yourself, too. And the individuals who learn how to radically accept their spouse and grow together despite it all end up having longer, happier marriages. On top of that, we asked relationship experts to share their insights on how accepting your spouse — and the habits that help —can lead to a more fulfilling marriage.
Here are 10 simple habits people in good marriages practice every single day, according to experts:
1. They love themselves as much as they love their partner
Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock
“Unconditional love needs to be given ‘first to yourself’ before you can give it to your partner. Self-love in a successful marriage is not a luxury, but a necessity.
Loving yourself without judgment or condition is the cornerstone from which you build any serious long long-lasting, loving connection and relationship with someone else, certainly your life partner.”
—Danielle Sax, coach, mentor, speaker, and author
2. They accept their spouse for who they are
Zamrznuti tonovi / Shutterstock
“Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, and as we know, even trying to change small things about ourselves is a huge challenge, so then why would one think that they can change something about their spouse?
Accepting the person you married is truly about not trying to change them. If you don’t like a behavior, the only way to impact that is to change your response to that behavior, because that will be a lot easier than thinking that you can change it.
Example: He never picks up his clothing, and I am left doing that. I have asked him so many times, and he just won’t do it. Instead, you can try a different approach or a new response, but the same response over and over gets the same results over and over.
Accepting a person for who they are can also set you free because you then realize that you don’t have any control over them, just choices that you make about being with them.”
—Dr. Dawn Michael, certified clinical therapist and relationship expert
3. They accept that people express love in different ways
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
“To outrageously improve your marriage, accept and appreciate out loud that your partner shows his love by making sure all the light bulbs work, the bills are paid, and the coffee is made (even if you’d really feel loved if he’d sit and talk with you).
Prioritize what’s important to her simply because it’s important to her (even if you feel she’s too anxious about being on time). Accept that his initiating intimacy is his way of reaching out to connect.”
—Deborah Fox, MSW, couples therapist and certified intimacy therapist
4. They take time to self-reflect
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
"If you are constantly asking yourself if you're with the right guy, then you are the wrong person for him. That questioning means you are not fully stepping into the relationship. And each of you deserves to have a partner who is all in."
—Heidi Hartston, PhD, psychologist in private practice
When a partner is self-aware, they are better able to recognize their own role in a conflict instead of placing all the blame on their spouse. A 2015 study explained that this breaks the cycle of defensiveness and enables couples to work together to address the root causes of issues, leading to more constructive and lasting solutions.
5. They know that if change must happen, they can only change themselves
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
"The relentless struggle of trying to change your partner is surely likely to backfire. Despite all good intentions, disapproval prevails, and leaves in its path the ruins of resentment."
—Katherine Mazza, LMHC, couples therapist in New York City
According to one marriage therapist, partners must accept each other's "basic essence" and core personality, which cannot fundamentally be altered. Marriage, in this sense, is a "package deal," not an à la carte menu where unwanted traits can be discarded.
6. They find reasons to be grateful for their spouse
Rovsky / Shutterstock
“Accept your spouse by showing more gratitude. Just take a minute right now to appreciate one thing they do in your life that you hate doing yourself.
Being grateful is one of the best ways to keep your love going strong. But don't just think it, say it! Make sure your spouse knows he/she's got the best partner on the planet.
When the lust fades, show them gratitude for the rest of your days. When the lust fades, offer gratitude in heartfelt ways.”
—Lori Peters, writer, speaker, and radio show host
7. They act as a good friend to their spouse
Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock
“Live every day with a renewed appreciation for him, and your love for each other will deepen and strengthen.” “If you have a love–friendship instead ofa love-hate relationship, it is your friendship with each other that will smooth the rough spots when the love part hits a speed bump.
That’s when you can sit down as supportive friends and talk about what’s happening to the marriage, and how to make it right again.
Radical acceptance means loving him without borders or boundaries. There is no ‘but’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘if’; it means you include him in your heart because loving him is paramount to loving yourself.”
—Margot Brown, couples therapist for over 20 years
8. They enjoy the unique perspective they both bring to the marriage
Ground Picture / Shutterstock
"Let go of the fantasy image of your spouse that you hold in your head. When you compare a real live human being to the perfect one in your mind, they will always come up lacking.
Instead, focus on having gratitude for the real person in your life — for the traits and quirks they have that you love, and also for the things you don't love and how these may be helping you to grow and mature.
Most of us hold within us an unrealistic ideal, and when this clashes with reality, then we end up suffering. A happy marriage is one where you see your partner for who they truly are rather than as you wish they would be."
—Mia Von Scha, life coach
9. They allow room for growth
ORION PRODUCTION / Shutterstock
“Marriage is a committed partnership in which we often expect our loved ones to change or evolve at the same pace we do. Accepting our partners will undergo personal growth in their own time and in their own way requires true patience. But it is essential as it provides the unconditional love they require from us to be successful in their transition.”
—Michelle Tajudeen, leadership coach
10. They grow together
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
Acceptance of another person’s point of view is the beginning of respectful and effective communication. Acceptance does not necessarily mean agreement; however, saying “I hear you and understand what you are saying,” opens the door to being heard as well. Once both legitimate perspectives are on the table, we can begin to resolve issues. Men and women have different ways of looking at things.
These perspectives, while not the same, can be compatible. Radical acceptance clears the way for resolution, reduces defensiveness, and allows a relationship to deepen and bloom, even during difficult periods of stress.”
—Micki McWade, psychotherapist and divorce coach
Aria Gmitter is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She graduated from the Midwestern School of Astrology and has been a practical astrologer for 40 years.
