The Art Of A Blissful Marriage: 4 Simple 'C Rules' That Save Bored, Angry Couples
How happy couples reclaim the wedded bliss they were always meant for.
Dean Drobot | Canva Many researchers and practitioners over the years have talked about the major factors that enhance feelings of love and intimacy, as well as those things that detract from positive functioning and interaction. There may not be one magic recipe that works for every couple, but there are four simple rules that can help couples let go of boredom and anger to find their own magical destiny.
When two people come together in a relationship, it's no longer just about the needs of the two individuals, but also about the relationship itself. In a good relationship, there are three parts: you, me, and the relationship. That relationship or couple is more than the sum of the two individuals.
Four simple 'C rules' that save bored, angry couples:
1. Commitment
Couples going for therapy often begin by saying the breakdown in their communication is the cause of their problems. However, it turns out the deteriorating state of their communication represents a symptom of a larger issue.
Many therapists, counselors, and marriage coaches begin by teaching listening and communication skills to their clients. Unfortunately, for many, the newfound ability to express their feelings to their partner directly and concisely creates increased emotional upset and complaints.
This sometimes causes them to feel further apart rather than closer together. They may even use communication as a club rather than a support.
To speak freely and openly with your partner, there must be a commitment to the relationship. There's a higher calling, in some sense, to the entity of the couple itself.
A powerful couple starts with a commitment to the relationship, not just to the other. When this is present, the relationship as an entity with its own force and energy can take on problems, even those of the individuals involved.
Simply put, at this point, a relationship is not an ideal to be achieved or a place to get to. Rather, it's a mindset. It's a place to come from.
Once the commitment is present or, at least, imagined, a new way of communicating and action becomes available. The way you know that this is the case is the ability to act in unison as a couple to accomplish common goals.
2. Cooperation
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One of the main barriers to clear communication is fear. People often are not completely honest out of concern for hurting the other person or saying things that will cause their partner to end the relationship. If you're afraid to be honest, it will be difficult to tell the complete truth.
To facilitate open and authentic interaction, another agreement is needed. What is necessary is an acknowledgment of commitment, not necessarily to the other person, but to the relationship.
Cooperation is a couple in action. Mostly, people think they are good at cooperating, but they're not. Having people do what you want is not cooperation. That involves mutual agreements about how to proceed effectively.
Cooperation is not the same as compromise. Compromise means giving up something you want to get something else you want. A negative circumstance at best. In cooperation, the possibility exists to find a way of acting and being that satisfies you both.
Doing what your partner wants can be seen not as an obligation but rather as an opportunity to give them a gift, to be generous.
Couples have frequent occasions to cooperate in many ways. Couples say they cooperate best when the stakes are high, in an emergency, for instance, or when time is short.
That seems to happen because the commitment to a result is high. Yet, the skills used in these cases also work when the task is smaller or less important.
Above all, good cooperation skills can be learned and can even be coached. When you accomplish something together, you feel the power of being a couple.
3. Communication
Although it's important, it's most effective when used at the right time. When cooperating, for instance, clear communication is essential. Each person needs to communicate clearly what they see from their vantage point to create an accurate picture.
It's not about judging or being judged. You need to learn to listen closely and carefully to each other without being worried about how to respond.
Treat what you hear as information needed for the couple, not as an expression of liking or disliking the other person. The tone of voice is important here, as it is often difficult to attend to the other’s words if distracted by hidden meanings. Clear speaking and listening are essential.
The best rule is to listen first and speak second. These skills can be easily mastered when judgment is not present. Judgment can be handled by an agreement not to place yourself in a position to evaluate, just to listen.
4. Community
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We live in a very individualistic culture. People are taught to look at what is in it for them individually above all. Couples have different dynamics when operating as teams, even if supporting what one of you wants to do.
The community presents the opportunity to work together toward common goals, with more people making it easier for everyone. But, truthfully, there are not many models in our society for communities.
People develop great couple relationships, but do not know very many other couples like them. The community provides support to others like yourselves.
Some communities are "vertical," made up of older or even younger generations, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even children. Other communities are more horizontal, comprised of your generation in your extended family, including siblings and cousins.
These communities also include friends, neighbors, and colleagues at work.
Communities provide support for the idea that being in your relationship is powerful and talking about your relationship is valuable. Support from communities makes things easier.
But communities may be difficult to find. Finding a couple of friends or meeting people in your community may be a good way to feel supported and understood.
When communities of couples are present, it's easier to talk about what's happening than in just a conversation with an individual. Try discovering some communities or even creating them yourself in your neighborhood.
When you first fall in love, you're often infatuated with the other person. You're in love with being in love. You love the idea of being in a couple. Then the couple becomes a third entity. It's like your child. It needs care and love.
These four C’s of couple power can turn your relationship into a meaningful and fulfilling experience.
Drs. Peter Sheras and Phyllis Koch-Sheras are clinical psychologists and founders of Couples Coaching Couples, a national non-profit organization committed to the creation and maintenance of profoundly fulfilling relationships.
