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Say this the next time you're on a date.
By The Good Men Project — Last updated on May 13, 2023
By Adam Gilad
Several years ago, I met a woman online who I thought I could and would marry. She was beautiful and cultured, warm, and witty, a Ph.D. psychologist with a beautiful and generous heart.
Our first date went magnificently as we discovered shared passions and favorite authors and a shared vision for a life of spiritual and physical adventure. Within hours, we found each other in each other’s arms, making out.
That is when I stopped, pulled back, and told her…
"We're not going to have sex."
She blinked at me like one of those characters in an old Warner Bros. cartoon — and I half-expected to hear that old familiar accompanying Bugs Bunny ploink-ploink of a high piano key.
I continued…
"We're not going to have sex until we can look in each other's eyes and say, 'I love you' and mean it from the depths of our hearts."
I could practically feel the heat of her yearning hit me like a wall of fire as she realized what I was saying.
I was saying — I value you so much that I don't want to waste our first time having sex in a moment of anything less than love.
I was saying — I want our connection to be set sweetly inside a woven nest of love.
I was saying that my goal was to know her, and not just get into her alluringly hip-hugging pants.
The fire of our mutual attraction was volcanic, and I wanted it channeled, so it could fuel something that could last forever rather than simply pop its top — and dissipate.
There is an important lesson here. Men…
Women on a first date don't know you. Especially if they met you online, they don't know if you're a fetishist, a hothead, a raging egotist, a perv, a player, or an insensitive jerk.
In other words — they don't know yet if they are safe.
What they DO know is that you probably want her sexually, if not during appetizers, then by the end of the night. Certainly at the end of the mythical "third date."
So if you meet a woman who you think is a "keeper," the kind of woman with whom you might want to build not a mere pile of sweaty sheets in the morning, but a lifetime (of sweaty sheets) and happy memories, then let her know where your priorities are from the start.
I've adapted this teaching in my coaching practice for those of my clients who are genuinely seeking a life partner.
Try a version of this on a first date…
"I want to say something so we can just relax and discover who each other really are. Though I find you wildly attractive and sexy, I'm not going to try to kiss you tonight or take you home or even elope to Vegas. Tonight is just an opportunity for us to share our truths, our visions, and what we want to create in this life — and to see if we inspire each other, even a little. So if I don’t "make a move" or try to kiss you, please know it's not because I don't want to, but I want to save that first kiss — if this ends up begin what I hope it will be – for when we feel truly connected."
The primary goal with words like these is to take sex off the table on a first date (and from underneath it, too).
It shows that you're not a Grabby McGrabster, not a predator, not needy, not trying to simply "score." It allows her to relax. It shows that you actually care about who she is and whether you two match up in your concerns, passions, and vision of life.
The bit about Vegas? Well, a little humor goes a long way in letting everyone relax. And it happens to be about the most romantic thing you can say to a woman you genuinely consider might be a lifetime partner.
That said, I want to add two caveats…
- Don't say it as a way to "seem" romantic then get her into bed on the second date!
- If you promise no attempt to kiss on the first date, keep your word.
You have the chance to show that you are serious about the human being she is, as well as showing that you have standards that you want to see if she meets. And you thereby become the kind of man who is not an opportunist, but rather who knows how to make the most of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Happy dating!
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Adam Gilad is a Stanford Humanities Center Graduate Research Fellow, Emmy-nominated producer, and writer, mentor, and speaker,