The Science Of Fighting Fair: 6 Things Couples Do When Things Get Cat-And-Dog Messy
Vlada Karpovich | Canva Every couple has those blow-up moments — the loud, cat-and-dog kind where someone slams a cabinet a little too hard or suddenly remembers every grievance from the last three years.
This is where the science of fighting fair comes in. Healthy couples hit pause before launching a vicious comeback. Here are six things strong couples do when things get emotional and essay, and why adopting just a few of them can completely change the way you argue.
Here are 6 things couples do when things get cat-and-dog messy when fighting:
1. Find a competent marital therapist or coach
Contact a therapist or coach immediately to address and discuss your issues while in a crisis before things get too messy. Many therapists are seeing couples via tele-therapy and can make an appointment within the week.
"Relationship problems are common in most healthy relationships," advised psychologist Derbra Winter, Ph.D. "However, sometimes, couples need a third and unbiased opinion. This is where couples therapists and marriage counselors come in. Marriage counseling can be a suitable remedy before opting for the more costly alternative, which is divorce."
2. Suggest a timeline
Lordn vis Shutterstock
If you decide to seek counseling, you can suggest a timeline to determine if you will stay together. For example, if you decide as a couple to seek counseling and you don’t start within two months, then you might need to reassess your relationship. Or maybe after starting therapy, you will reassess your relationship after six months.
Relationship coach Brad Browning advised to "make plans and goals for your marriage, so that you keep moving forward. You can get your spouse involved or do it on your own, but make sure that you have something to look forward to and a way to measure success."
3. Notice what you're actually arguing about
You can ask yourself, "Were these topics issues that always existed in your relationship, or did they begin during the crisis?" Some couples realized that since they were busy outside the relationship, they were unaware of the differences and challenges within the relationship. Other couples communicate well together, but the stress of a crisis, illness, death, or the loss of a job creates a level of tension that was never experienced in their relationship.
4. Stop and ask this question
Ask yourself, "Are we being supportive of each other?" For example, many of my clients are more anxious, stressed out, sensitive, and irritable during a crisis. These people are looking to their partner for extra support. Therefore, you may need to learn how to address issues and help each other through the challenges.
"You may have developed a prickly veneer," cautioned relationship coach Reta Faye Walker, "but it tends to fall away when you open up about your successes, hopes, and failures. So, take a chance and share, ask them questions, wait around for answers, ask questions about their answers, and follow up; it shows you care. There may be nothing more tender and energizing to your love life than your genuine interest."
5. Explore your options
La Famiglia via Shutterstock
Before a crisis, some couples might have already been discussing the possibility of splitting up, but were forced to stay together because of a state of emergency. If you are in this situation and feel trapped and unable to leave, it is time to explore your options.
Has anything changed? Do you want to take a few weeks away to explore your options before settling on a plan? If so, do you have a friend or relative you can stay with temporarily? If this appeals to you, speak with your partner to discuss your plans and goals for the time apart.
If leaving your home isn't an option, can you separate somehow within the house? For example, one partner can stay upstairs, and the other partner can stay in another bedroom or downstairs.
If you're set on your decision to leave your relationship, it's time to explore your options from a more permanent perspective. And remember, if there are children involved, you need to discuss how to speak with them about this new arrangement and your plans for their care, among many other things.
Marriage educator Julia Flood explained, "Unhappiness can be a valuable indicator that something is wrong and must change. But what if you could learn how to express what’s unacceptable for you in an effective manner and actually be heard by your spouse? In many cases, there will still be time to divorce at a later date, but there may not always be time to save your marriage. Ensure you've tried what's within your power before calling it quits. The issue right now isn't whether you're committed to life but whether you can commit to working hard for a while to try and see what can be saved."
6. Recall how you tried to resolve your differences and conflicts in the past
Consider writing in a journal or taking a quiet walk to clarify the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. Since you have put time and energy into your relationship, you may consider reading a book or watching a podcast about relationships to determine if you can salvage it.
While still in a crisis, be cautious about making any major life decisions because sometimes people feel differently when they are not under a high degree of external stress. However, if you find yourselves still fighting and disagreeing even after you get back to "normal life," then you may need to consider other decisions and possibilities.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC, is a licensed counselor and a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 who works with couples to develop more secure attachment styles for healthy, happy relationships.
