Couples Who Truly Love Each Other Follow These 12 Steps When They Start Having Problems
A simple guide for getting back on track that also works well to keep your spark alive.
Jonathan Cooper | Unsplash Is your marriage in trouble? If it's not right now, it probably has been (or likely will be, someday). That's because marriage is hard work. Two different humans joining lives and becoming inter-dependent isn't a simple task, afterall. Fortunately, you're not alone and there are ways to get your marriage back on track.
The couples I know and have worked with often follow a simple program when things get rocky. If you realte, you can start right now to begin the journey back to marital bliss. You can get your spouse involved or do it on your own. What do you have to lose?
Here are 12 steps couples who truly love each other follow when they start having problems:
1. They leave the house together
Many couples dealing with trouble in their marriage don’t suffer from a wide variety of problems and conflicts. More often than not, they’re dealing with a lack of stimulation and connection. Don’t feel bad. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut and difficult to get out of one.
Suggest an outing for you and your spouse — even just a walk around the neighborhood together. Whatever you decide, take the opportunity to get some face-to-face time. Share the experience and have fun!
2. They send flirty and loving texts
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Believe it or not, flirting can help save your marriage. It’s common to stop flirting and teasing once you’re comfortable, but if you want to maintain that electric charge, you need to make the effort.
Send your spouse just one flirty text during your day. It doesn’t take much — just be a little suggestive or naughty. Throw in a winky face if you’re worried you’re being too subtle.
Remember, the goal of flirting is to be funny and to turn them on.
3. They do exploratory writing
Get back in touch with what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil (or even your phone) and write down the things that attracted you to your partner initially. Why did you choose them?
Go further and write down the little things you noticed along the way that made you realize you wanted to spend the rest of your life together. This exercise will help you remember the good in them and use that powerful feeling to continue to improve your marriage.
4. They concoct surprises
One thing most marriages have in common is a lack of excitement. Bring that excitement back into your marriage by surprising your spouse in a big way — give them flowers, a small gift, or a night on the town.
Whatever you choose, make sure it’s something that your spouse wouldn’t suspect. Keep it a secret until the last minute. Blindfolding them may feel cheesy, but it really can make this experience feel special.
5. They start kissing again
Grab your partner and lay one on them. So often, we become accustomed to a quick peck or a hug to show our partner how much we love them. While this is nice, it’s important to foster the passion you two had when you first got together.
A lack of intimacy may be a problem in many marriages, but the bigger problem is a lack of physical affection. Take them by surprise and get their heart pumping with a big smooch.
Who says making out is only for teens?
6. They take on challenges together
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When your marriage is going through a rough patch, you often do your best to avoid conflict. This includes removing any difficulty from your day-to-day so that you don’t have any reason to fight. But challenges are an important part of life and relationships. By tackling a difficult problem together, you build bonds that you’d never think were possible.
It can be as simple as doing a crossword puzzle or as complex as building a back deck onto your house. Think outside the box and get out of your comfort zone. Use this as an opportunity for connection.
Be positive and build your spouse up so that they really feel supported. If you two can complete this task, your marriage will be better for it.
7. They get physical together
Reclaim the passionate side of marriage. After a while, physical intimacy can become less frequent and fall into a routine.
If you’re having serious intimacy problems in your marriage, talk it out or seek the help of a therapist. But if things have just become a little stale, then a little spontaneity can make them exciting again.
Chances are, you know something your spouse likes that you don’t always do. Now is the time to focus on their pleasure.
8. They set aside distractoins and talk it out
Spend some real quality time with your spouse without cell phones, TV, or any other distractions. What you talk about isn’t as important as making the time.
If you’re having trouble, hash out some issues that you’ve been having. Keep it small-scale and focus on sharing your feelings rather than passing judgment.
You may find your partner resistant to this discussion at first. But if you can remain calm and positive, it really can make all the difference. Rather than waiting for a fight, taking proactive measures can make conflict more manageable in the long run.
9. They go down memory lane
Remember the good times with your spouse. When you've been together for a long time, you have so much history that it can be easy to forget.
Go through some old photo albums or text messages and see what comes up for you. Find a cute picture of you two from years ago and show it to brighten up their day.
It’s as simple as that.
10. They get over what doesn't matter
Living with another person can be extremely difficult. There are a million little things you wish they’d do differently, whether or not you ever bring them up.
These little annoyances are small on their own, but they can build up and put a real strain on your marriage. Permit yourself to let things go.
Do they forget to clean the hair out of your shower drain? Does it seem like you’re always the one to take out the garbage? Tell yourself that it’s OK and that this little mistake isn’t going to get to you anymore.
If your partner’s behavior is a serious problem, don’t give them a free pass. But if it’s something small that you can’t seem to shake, now is the time to put this issue to bed for good.
Tell yourself that you’ll never again bring this up or let it bother you. It’s easier said than done, but if you can forgive them for leaving their socks on the floor and accept that that’s just a part of who they are, then you can focus on what matters.
11. They check for blind spots
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We are all unaware of some things in our lives and our marriages. Identify yours and take a good, long look at it.
Relationship unaware spots are those quirks of your personality that create friction between you and your spouse. They create so much trouble because they’re parts of ourselves that we actively avoid facing. You can identify them by looking at the feedback you get from your spouse or past partners.
Some common relationship blind spots include:
- Never saying sorry
- Being stubborn or combative
- Being critical
- Shutting the other person out
- Sending mixed messages
Some spots are more difficult to overcome than others.
Chances are, you’re not going to make them disappear overnight. Instead, try to be aware of them going forward and check yourself whenever your unawareness rears its head.
12. They focus on the future
Congratulations on making it to the end of this program! Now, look back at all that you've learned and experienced in the past 11 days, and reflect on what it has meant to you.
Then, put it all behind you and focus on what comes next. How are you going to maintain this kind of momentum in your relationship going forward?
Make plans and goals for your marriage, so that you keep moving forward. You can get your spouse involved or do it on your own, but make sure that you have something to look forward to and a way to measure success.
Whether your goal is an improved intimate life or an end to a conflict, you’ve taken the first step, and I'm proud of you.
Brad Browning is a relationship coach and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada. He has 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships.
