11 Sad Signs He's Simply Not The One For You
If you're constantly second-guessing your relationship, it's time to confirm what your gut already knows.
Cerii | Shutterstock When it comes to dating, so many people would rather be with someone (anyone!) than be alone. Some women settle, hoping their partner will grow into his potential. The issue here is that if a man cannot recognize his own potential, he will never fulfill it. Similarly, if he doesn't see his own worth, he is unlikely to achieve it, regardless of how much others believe in him.
If you're truly dedicated to finding your soulmate, you must be willing to walk away from the wrong ones, even when it’s tough. Stop dating men who aren't right for you and learn to recognize the signs that show he's not the one. You'll know because the right person won’t be someone you’re settling for. He won’t need you to see his potential because he’ll already see it himself. The right person won’t feel like a project. You won’t have to convince yourself that it’s working.
Watch for these 11 sad signs he's simply not the one for you:
1. You're upset more often than happy
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Remember when Carrie and Berger are on a break and Samantha tells Carrie that the test of a good relationship is whether he makes her frown or smile?
When one of my clients, Robin*, was in her last serious long-term relationship, she decided to mark her calendar each day with a smiley face emoji or a frowning face emoji. If spending time with her then-boyfriend made her happy, she put a happy face emoji on that day. If it made her tired, frustrated, irritated, or just plain angry, she marked it with a frowning face.
When Robin tracked her daily emotions with emojis and realized there were many more sad faces than happy ones, that imbalance echoed Gottman’s research: when your relationship dips below the healthy 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, it’s often a clear signal it’s not working. Right then and there, she knew it was time to call it quits.
2. He brings out a version of you that doesn't feel right
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I’m not claiming that some women (like some men) can’t be a bit emotionally unstable on their own, but when sweet Jessica was dating Robert, she suddenly found herself doing all kinds of ridiculous things she would never have done before, like crying every time he left her place.
When we talked about what was going on, she became aware of the fact that Robert always had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. He still wasn’t divorced and was emotionally unavailable.
When she recognized his uncertainty was literally driving her crazy, Jessica came to understand that if he weren’t willing to be all in, she’d have to be all out.
3. He pushes the relationship way too fast
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When a guy comes at you hot and heavy at the beginning of the relationship, he could be chasing the feeling of being in the honeymoon phase, but research shows that people who date longer (one to two years before marrying) are significantly less likely to split, with a 20% drop in divorce rates compared to couples who rush it.
The natural, organic progression of a relationship shouldn’t occur at the speed of light! Sure, the beginning stage of a new relationship is fun and exciting, but moving too quickly usually causes the relationship to crash and burn in the end.
Slow and steady wins the race, so feel free to help keep the pace as you’re getting to know someone new. If he's really the one, he'll respect you and your boundaries.
4. He hears you, but never really listens
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If you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t listening to you or honoring you and your needs, then it's time to run for the hills.
When Raquel and Luis first began dating, for example, she kept telling him time after time that she wasn’t ready to sleep with him. First, she wanted them to focus on deepening their friendship, and second, she wanted it to be special.
After he went to her place following a night out with the guys and she gave in to him, she was furious with him for not honoring her request, but she was even angrier with herself for giving in to him when she knew she wasn’t ready. When we worked through this, she saw that his dishonoring of her boundaries was consistent with his behavior in other areas of his life, and she realized he definitely wasn’t her "one".
5. He expects to be the center of your world
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When you’re dating someone who expects you to completely devote yourself to them above all else, they are not the one!
Julia had been dating Rob for three months when he suddenly started being possessive of her. He didn’t want her spending any time without him.
If she wanted to go out with her friends, he had to come. If she needed to go run errands, he made her pick him up to go with her. He even had the nerve to tell her that she couldn’t see her children on days when she didn't typically have custody. So, if her daughter had a soccer game on a day when she wasn't scheduled to be in her custody, she wasn’t allowed to go because that would take away from her spending time alone with Rob.
When Rob started expecting Julia to devote every moment to him and controlled her time with friends and even her kids, it was more than insecurity — it was classic possessiveness. And research shows that controlling, possessive behavior predicts lower satisfaction and a higher chance that the relationship will fall apart.
I helped her to see how insecure Rob was. And even though she really cared about him, she became aware that she didn’t want to live her life under someone else's restrictions and control.
6. He puts you on a pedestal, but it feels like a trap
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If you’re interested in someone who puts you on a pedestal, beware! You could fall off and get really hurt!
If a man lets you walk all over him, he is not the one for you. One of the purposes of a relationship is that our partner is supposed to challenge us to be the best version of ourselves. If he is willing to do whatever you want and say whatever you want to hear, he’s not empowering you.
Yes, we all want to be adored and treated like a queen, but you should want the man you're with to act like a king as your partner, not a doormat.
7. He hides things 'for your own good'
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If a man you’re interested in is making decisions or avoiding telling you something based on how he thinks you’re going to react, he’s just taken away all of your choices rather than giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Many times, we make choices based on past experiences, but it’s not fair to assume you’ll react to something the same way his ex reacted.
For example, Josh decided not to tell Mona that he was meeting a female friend from college for drinks one night because whenever he mentioned her to his ex-wife, she’d get furious. Mona didn’t care that Josh had female friends, as long as he was open and honest with her about them. Not telling her was the same as lying in Mona’s book, so this definitely put a strain on their relationship.
Because this was a pattern Josh couldn't break, Mona broke the relationship off instead.
When Josh started hiding details "for Mona’s own good," he wasn't just avoiding a conversation — he was eroding trust and authenticity, and studies show that keeping secrets like that leads to a noticeable dip in relationship quality.
8. You feel defective in your own relationship
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If you feel like a detective in your relationship — always searching or doubting — you're reacting to a deeper issue, not just paranoia. Research shows that low trust creates emotional instability, conflict, and makes couples more likely to call it quits. Feeling defective means there is something off about your relationship. Either you’ve got some jealousy issues you need to work out, or he is doing some shady stuff.
If you feel like you can’t trust him, then there is no point in continuing a relationship with him. You should feel comfortable and self-assured around him.
9. He doesn't recognize your worth
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If a man doesn’t value you, then he is not your one. Usually, with this sign, there are two reasons a man doesn't see your worth: either he doesn’t value himself, so he can't value you, or you don’t value yourself, so how can he?
If he doesn’t value himself, then you’re wasting your time with him. It’s not your job to help him figure this out or to change him. If you don’t get your own value, then he definitely won’t.
The people who are closest to you, friends and/or family, are usually your biggest cheerleaders. Take in all of their love and support, and begin to believe them (and me) when they tell you how fabulous you are. (And if they don’t, then it may be time to break up with them!)
10. You're always putting on a performance
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If at any time during the relationship, you feel like you can’t be yourself, then he is not the one! So many women tend to divorce parts of themselves when they are in a relationship.
If you ever find yourself performing or hiding parts of who you are just to keep everything running smoothly, remember that you're missing out on being truly authentic — not only for him but also for yourself. Research indicates that when authenticity is lacking on either side, it can weaken the quality, satisfaction, and trust in a relationship. Emphasizing honesty and genuine connection helps create stronger bonds and deeper trust between partners.
11. Something just feels off
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If you’re dating someone that you really like, but you just don’t feel that “X Factor” with him, then he’s probably not your "one". Even if you don’t feel fireworks right out of the gates, when he’s the one, there is something about him that can’t keep you away.
Don’t try to justify why you should keep dating him if there’s something that just feels off about the relationship. It’s likely your inner guidance letting you know he’s not the one. Trust your intuition.
*All names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Kelly Ann Garnett is a Certified Love Attraction Coach, Certified Life Coach, spiritual psychologist, and educator who understands the deep desire and longing for a Soulmate and what it takes to stay loyal to yourself as you journey toward each other.
