5 Regrets That Haunt People Who Thought Their Marriage Would Last Forever
They believed their love was unbreakable — until life and silence got in the way.
Maria Lupan | Unsplash In examining the reasons some marriages lasted the test of time and others did not, Dr. Terri Orbuch, a social psychologist, found that most divorced people shared the same five regrets about their marriages. Those regrets acted like ghosts to haunt a marriage until it dissolved.
Dr. Orbuch famously collected data by following 373 married couples over the course of three decades. In the course of the study, she checked in with the couples at years 1, 3, 7, and 16 of their marriages. By the end of the study's duration, 49% of the couples had gotten divorced.
Here are five regrets that haunt people who thought their marriage would last forever:
1. Not showing your partner that you love and care for them
Small gestures like complimenting your partner, saying "I love you," or holding hands go a long way when you are in a marriage. Marriage therapist Julie Orlov advised, "Give your mate a hug, kiss, or squeeze every day. Make time to cuddle before going to sleep. Hold hands, walk arm-in-arm-, remember what it felt like to be in the courtship phase, creating romance and connection. I promise that you will feel better about your mate, your relationship, and yourself. Honestly, affection is the best cure for disconnect. It reminds you why you fell in love in the first place."
The most important ways to display affection are showing love, showing support, and making your partner feel good about themselves. Also, affection keeps things interesting in the relationship, so you don't feel bored in your relationship.
2. Not talking about money
Geber86 via Shutterstock
Money is the number-one source of conflict in most marriages. "Talk money more often — not just when it's tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along," Dr. Orbuch says. Money should be something transparent in a relationship, and it should be something that you can talk about without fighting or losing your temper.
"Money is simply a medium of exchange. However, money stands for everything we need for survival," explained couples counselor Cheryl Gerson, "and that's what makes it so fraught with anxiety and defensiveness. Somewhere in our primitive brains, we know our lives depend on this stuff." Money is something that causes tension, and it always will. So, instead of letting it get to you as a couple, let money bring you together because it's something one person should be left out of.
3. Not letting go of the past
Dr. Orbuch believes that to engage healthily with your partner, you need to let go of the past. She said, "This includes getting over jealousy of your partner's past relationships, irritation at how your mother-in-law treats you, something from your childhood that makes it hard for you to trust, a spat you had with your spouse six months ago."
Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, talk to a friend, or seek out a professional. "On the days when we focus on helpful, strong thoughts, we feel amazing," suggested life coach Susie Pettit. "To do a thought download, take out a piece of paper and a pen. Set a timer for 3 minutes and start writing. What are you thinking about? How are those thoughts making you feel? What stories are you making up? Thought downloads help you process emotions and see where you’re holding on to negative thoughts that weigh you down."
4. Blaming the other person
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Ask your partner for their view of a problem. "There are multiple ways of seeing a problem," says Dr. Orbuch. "By getting your partner's perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective."
"Communication problems are incredibly common — and solvable," marriage therapist Leigh Norén encouraged." Communication difficulties are common and can lead to a nonexistent love life, anxiety, and feeling unseen. However, they’re solvable."
Norén recommended, "You need to switch the question from 'What does lack of communication do to a relationship?' to 'How can we communicate better so that our relationship makes us happy?' By turning the conversation around and focusing on what you can solve as opposed to what’s going wrong, the magic is just around the corner."
5. Not communicating effectively
Forty-one percent of respondents cited communication as the number-one factor they would change in their next relationship because a lack of communication is the biggest factor in the drive to divorce. Dr. Orbuch believes in practicing active listening, "where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard, and asking if they understood correctly."
Dr. Orbuch also says partners need to reveal more about themselves to maintain communication. "Most couples think they talk to each other all the time. But how often do you talk about things that really deepen your understanding of your mate? The happy couples in my study talked to each other frequently — not about their relationship, but about other things. They felt that they knew a lot about their spouse in four key areas: friends, stressors, life dreams, and values."
Caitlyn Hitt is a freelance writer and editor whose work has been featured in Thrillist, Romper, the New York Daily News, and more.
