7 Toxic Behaviors Couples Should Avoid This Year If They Want Their Relationship To Last
How not to be a part of "divorce month" next year.
Joshua Resnick via Canva January is the month for letting go of the old and bringing in the new. So, it’s no wonder that January has been unofficially dubbed "divorce month."
If you're not a part of the movement this year, you may be wondering how to be sure you're not adding to the number of divorces next year. Time to be proactive!
According to relationship coaches Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman, these are some unproductive patterns you need to get rid of to have a better year with your partner.
7 Toxic Behaviors Couples Should Avoid If They Want Their Relationship To Last
1. Making promises out of compliance instead of commitment
Whether you’ve promised to commit to your partner for life or promised to take out the trash, each promise can either strengthen or destroy the foundation of your relationship. But why is this?
To break a promise is to break the trust you’ve previously formed with your partner. According to psychotherapist Ashley Thorn, “Without trust in a relationship, there is no feeling of emotional safety, which rids partners of their ability to be vulnerable and connect.”
She continues that there are multiple reasons why your partner may break trust in the relationship, some of which include:
- Not wanting to make the promise in the first place
- Not prioritizing the promise
- Not being detailed with the promise
- Not wanting to work together as a couple
So, as the Freemans put it, “Only say yes to things you are actually committed to doing.” They suggest setting reminders and being accountable for the mistakes we may make along the way.
2. Disrespectful non-verbal and verbal communication
You may not know it, but actions such as rolling your eyes can put a damper on your relationship. When you engage in dismissive behavior or disrespectful communication, you are essentially saying to your partner that you don’t respect them.
So, instead of engaging in negative behavior, take a moment to pause and breathe. As the Freemans write, “Instead create a respectful environment, be more assertive and curious in your communication.”
3. Not communicating enough and setting each other up for failure
Communication can either make or break your relationship — and often poor communication cuts deep.
When there is no communication frustration can easily build up.
For example, if you don’t communicate your expectations for the next day, how can you possibly expect the next day to go smoothly? If you don’t tell your partner, "I do this role and you do that role," it can leave you both feeling angry and even disturb your schedule.
According to licensed therapist Kristin Davin, partners on the receiving end of this, “Feel frustrated, unimportant, and alone in their relationship. They don’t feel optimistic about the longevity of the relationship.”
If communication is a struggle for you and your partner, try:
- Setting healthier boundaries
- Expressing more vulnerability
- Focusing on the ‘we’ instead of the ‘I’
- Coming up with a plan
- Being open to suggestions from your partner
4. Prioritizing everything else except the relationship
It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important in your relationship, especially once you have kids. You may begin to get super busy and the free time you do have may often be spent on sleeping away the exhaustion.
But the Freemans warn that actions such as this can cause a huge divide in your relationship that will only continue to grow bigger.
“Schedule time for just the two of you. Get creative and resourceful,” they write. Try things such as creating date night at home while your kids are sleeping.
Though it may not seem like much, small actions such as this can positively impact your relationship in the long run.
5. Only discussing life management and not checking in on each other
At the beginning of your relationship, you may have found yourself engaging in more in-depth conversation. However, as time progressed, the once flourishing communication dwindled into discussing simple life management.
This transition can leave a huge dent in your relationship because human beings are wired to seek authentic connections.
According to Stanford Medicine, “People who feel more connected to others have lower levels of anxiety and depression.” But how can you honestly create an authentic connection by asking if your partner did the dishes today? Let's face it you can't.
So, make time for one another and take time throughout your busy day to ask your partner how they are feeling.
As therapist expert Dr. Natalie Jones puts it, “Asking your partner questions helps you get to know your partner, establish trust, boundaries, intimacy; as well as learn about your partner’s communication style.”
6. Not repairing for days (or ever) after arguments
Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner only to ignore them for the next couple of hours? The infamous silent treatment may seem like a gotcha at first, but it can quickly turn sour if not addressed.
As the Freemans write, “Nothing, and we mean nothing, will hurt a relationship more than a lack of repair.”
They suggest steering clear from reopening old wounds, and instead, they state to debrief and repair your current and any future arguments more constructively and healthily.
Sit down with your partner and discuss how you both can move forward from the disagreement together.
7. Depleting each other’s love account
We can all get nitpicky from time to time. But is there such a thing as too much? When you constantly correct your partner or become defensive, you are depleting your love account.
Through these harmful behaviors, your partner can begin to feel withdrawn or defensive, which can cause you to argue more. According to the Gottman Institute, “It often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity.”
As they point out, criticism isn’t really to address behavior or actions, rather it seeks to express a need that isn’t being met.
So, what are some better ways to express those needs? To start, try using a gentle start.
Instead of saying, “You said you would mow the lawn, but outside still looks terrible," try saying, “Hey, the lawn still needs to be mowed. I need you to do that now, please." The goal here is to complain to your partner without completely blaming them — remember we don’t want our partner to become defensive but receptive.
The Freemans finish by saying, “This time of year is important to reflect on what you don’t want to bring into the next year and what change you want to make for the better.”
It could be worth trying these course-correcting tips to get your marriage or relationship on the right track for the new year ahead!
Nobody wants to be another statistic next January.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.