7 Qualities That Consistently Show Up In People Who Make Incredible Spouses, According To Psychology
Traits that show up again and again in people who make loving and lasting partners.
cottonbro studio | Pexels Every person and every relationship is unique. A deal-breaker for you might be a must-have quality for someone else. So, it is important to have your list of ideal qualities for a potential mate to possess, and to identify which ones are essential to you.
However, no matter who you are or where you are in life, there are a few basic factors that are critical to long-term relationship success. "Over 60 percent of men and women in America have experienced what you've experienced, that love of first sight, and I think it's because you sit within that love map — within a general constellation of traits that you can almost immediately see," said the late biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher.
Here are seven qualities that consistently show up in people who make incredible spouses, according to psychology:
1. Integrity
Love is hard work, and only someone with a strong character is well prepared to handle its challenges. Look for honesty tempered by compassion, reliability, dependability, and an unflinching ability to meet life head-on.
Your partner should not make promises lightly. When a promise is made, they should do everything in their power to honor that promise. Otherwise, it can instill mistrust in the relationship.
When things go awry, a person with integrity owns their portion of the responsibility and works toward a solution, rather than shirking all responsibility.
2. Empathy
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Empathy is the ability to put yourself into another person’s shoes and connect with their emotions. Equal parts compassion, active listening, and helpful problem-solving, empathy can be learned with repeated practice.
If your partner has trouble showing empathy, explain exactly what behaviors you expect. If they show genuine effort, be patient, but if they refuse to try, it might be better to move on.
3. Openness
Keeping secrets, hiding thoughts and behaviors, and glossing over difficult circumstances rapidly erode the trust and intimacy that are crucial to a loving relationship. If you can't trust that your partner is being honest with you, they most likely aren't worthy of your love.
If your partner is guarded, refuses to discuss important matters, or tries to deflect questions, take it as a sign that they are not ready for a serious relationship. "There are both biological and anthropological reasons women desire intense face-to-face interactions, but men don’t tend to favor these much. This may mean having a conversation with him involving no eye contact," Dr. Fisher advised, "that a good time to bring up a conversation is in the car when a man is driving. This way, he will not have to make eye contact, and some of the pressure is off."
4. A strong moral compass
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Some people are guided by their religious beliefs and are unwilling to date those who do not share their beliefs. Others find their moral compass in philosophy, science, or everyday observation of the world around them.
Regardless of background or beliefs, a strong moral compass is essential for a healthy relationship. Those with questionable morals and situational ethics are unpredictable and difficult to trust.
It is also important that your morals and values are compatible. You do not need to believe the same things, but you need to agree on the basics of how you will conduct your lives and raise your children.
5. Stability
Stability is crucial for those considering a long-term relationship. However, it means something slightly different to everyone.
Some common types of stability include financial stability, job stability, and emotional stability. You might need all three to feel secure, or you might prioritize just one or two. Dr. Fisher helped show how maintaining a positive mindset is a crucial factor in long-lasting love: ”Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain happy long-term."
People who are unstable in every aspect of their lives, however, tend to have unstable relationships as well. And if that's the case in your relationship, your partner may not be worthy of your love.
6. Commitment
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Your partner does not need to put you on a pedestal, but they should be genuinely committed to making your relationship work. However, commitment issues are extremely common, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
To decide whether it is worth giving your relationship more time, consider your partner’s other commitments. Are they devoted to their children? Do they go the extra mile at work, even when they are mad at their boss?
Those who have a few lasting commitments in their lives are more likely to honor a commitment to you.
7. Goal mindset
Goals are the way that we keep our lives on track and moving forward. Without goals, people tend to stagnate and even regress.
Ask your partner where they see themselves in 5 or 10 years. A detailed plan is not necessary, but those who have few goals for the future tend to live in the moment and be reluctant to move forward with a partner.
In addition, your goals should be compatible. If you envision wildly different futures, it will be difficult or impossible to sustain your relationship over time. Dr Fisher explained, "When you first meet someone, you tend to overweigh the few things you know about them, then evaluate them on these morsels of information. Give a potential partner a chance to show their brilliance. The more you get to know someone, the more you like them and the more you think they are similar to yourself. You might even trigger your brain circuitry for intense romantic passion."
Every person has individual ideas about the best qualities that an ideal partner would possess, and which qualities are worth compromising. However, the qualities listed above are key to a successful long-term relationship and should be non-negotiable.
Of course, these qualities apply to both partners. Take a hard look at yourself to ensure that you are truly ready for lasting love.
Neuroscientist Lucy L. Brown, Ph. D., and the late biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., are the writing team behind the Anatomy of Love. Their work focuses on matters of the brain and romantic love.
