People Who Have Zero Backbone Usually Ignore 5 Key Boundaries Everyone Else Wishes They'd Set
leticiagurgelf | Pexels this may sound extreme, but you cannot be a happy, healthy person without boundaries. Healthy boundaries give us healthy relationships, healthy self-esteem, and healthy well-being.
Despite what some people may tell you, having strong boundaries does not make you a bad person. In fact, it's often the opposite, as having strong boundaries makes you attractive to healthy people who like knowing where you stand.
Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology showed that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person can develop into a distinct person with unique interests and skills. For people who didn't get this boundary training, so to speak, this may not come naturally. Fortunately, they can practice and learn.
People who have zero backbone usually ignore these 5 key boundaries
1. Not letting people walk all over them
Boundaries are not about being mean or rude. Boundaries simply recognize that you end in one place and other people end somewhere else. All good boundaries do that. You can't worry that people will think you are being mean or "not nice."
It’s not a matter of not being a nice person anymore. It’s just a matter of getting tough enough so that people aren’t walking on you, so that you’re not suppressing your true feelings, and so that you’re not “playing nice” just for a chance to play. If anyone deserves boundaries, it’s the nice people of the world.
2. Not letting people devalue them
Boundary setting happens calmly, using "I" statements. Not by becoming moody or so irritated that you start to snap people's heads off. If you have a friend who is always late when you have plans to go somewhere, you may find yourself blowing up at her in frustration.
Instead, you can say, "I would appreciate it if you were here on time. Otherwise, I'll have to go ahead without you." She may push back, but prepare to do exactly that the next time she is late. The behavior will stop.
3. Not letting people put them down
fizkes / Shutterstock
Learn to recognize manipulation and subtle put-down messages. They're designed to get you to do something you may not want to do. Think about a statement such as, "I would do that for you." It's full of manipulation and subtle messages of "you're not as good as me," and it's a passive-aggressive way to get the speaker's way.
It's not about what is good for you or what you would do; it's about what they want you to do, and the guilt-inducing manipulation is intense. There are so many variations of this, but one answer: Good for you. That's you, that's not me. Thank you for playing.
4. Not letting people invade their space
You cannot pick and choose who to have boundaries with. You have to have them with everyone, even if some are harder than others.
You have to have boundaries with parents, children, friends, lovers, work acquaintances, storekeepers, customer service representatives, bank tellers, the reservation clerks, the cat sitters, and the dog groomers And, yes, they will be different with everyone. It is about taking care of yourself and letting people know they can’t invade the spaces you have defined as yours, no matter who they are.
5. Not letting people silence their inner voice
Listen to your inner voice as to when it is time to set a boundary. When people are borrowing your things and either not returning them or not taking care of them, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel as if your parents, children, spouse, pets, or coworkers do not listen to you, it’s time to set a boundary.
When you feel angry and put upon, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel sad and think that everyone is taking advantage of you, it’s time to set a boundary. Sometimes, you need to evaluate the other person's goals. Boundaries are tough in the beginning, but they make everything so much better down the road. Set those boundaries today because life will work so much better when you do.
Susan J. Elliott is a media commentator, lawyer, and author of the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You among other books.
