People Who Stay Married For 50+ Years All Master These 8 Simple Habits

Couples who have been married for fifty years or more inevitably argue and fight in a relationship — it's normal. Arguments happen in all relationships, even in the best ones, but how you argue is what matters. In long-lasting, happy, and healthy relationships, both partners can use specific strategies to fight correctly so they can disagree or express dissatisfaction or even get really mad without hurting each other.

As a therapist, I often see couples turn the tiniest disagreements into unnecessarily huge fights for just this reason. Couples are scared that the disagreement might mean they’ll have to break up, so they try to shut it down. But reacting with bad fighting and arguing habits can escalate the conflict, instead. Too many of these damaging fights might lead to a breakup conversation between two people who actually love each other and would prefer to stay together for life.

One of the best things about learning to fight correctly is how to open up communication lines for you both to express dissatisfaction, get angry, or check out your fears while still feeling respected and valued. Renowned American psychologist John Gottman’s well-known "Love Lab" divorce prediction research resulted in books full of useful insights and relationship advice for marriages that go the distance.

People who stay married for 50+ years all master these 8 simple habits:

1. They phrase their dissatisfaction as a complaint, not as a criticism

people who have stayed married as they do phrase dissatisfaction as complaints fizkes / Shutterstock

When you make a complaint, you describe the specific behavior that you didn’t like, what you thought it meant, and how it made you feel. Then, you say what you wish they’d do instead.

It is not a character assassination or an accusation. A complaint opens a conversation about something that bothered you. It leaves room for the possibility that your interpretation was incorrect and lets the other person clarify what they intended.

Here is an example of a complaint: "When you looked away from me while I was telling you a story, I felt like you weren’t interested, and you thought I was annoying. I wish you would not suddenly look away and do other things while I’m talking to you." The receiver of this sentence may feel like his attention and opinions are important.

Here is an example of a criticism: "You are so annoying when you turn away while I’m talking!" Calling him annoying is character assassination because it’s not talking about the behavior, it's talking about the person.

Here is an example of contempt: "I am sick to death of trying to communicate with you when you keep looking away. It’s pointless." The receiver of this sentence may feel hated, not valued.

2. They don't try to mind-read

people who have stayed marries as they express mind-read as worry Rido / Shutterstock

A mind-read is when you think you know what your partner is thinking, but you did not hear them say it themselves. We are sometimes right but often wrong when we mind-read.

A great thing to do when you think your partner is thinking something negative about you is to check it out. And give your partner a chance to agree or disagree with your theory.

Here are some examples of expressing your mind-read the right way, as a worry or a story you tell yourself:

"When you sighed heavily as I asked you to take the trash out, I worried that it meant you were annoyed at me for wanting you to participate in kitchen stuff."
"When you grunted and kept reading the paper this morning when I left the house, I told myself that maybe it meant you were glad I was leaving."

3. They stick to a single, specific incident when fighting

couple who have been married for years as they stick to specific incident Rido / Shutterstock

Do not bring in other similar past events as evidence of a character flaw or failure. That is not a path to resolving a problem.

Instead, when you’re fighting, try to limit the discussion to just one specific incident. It’s much more likely to end well because the receiver of the complaint can still feel generally valued and not like he has been accused of having a fatal, repeating flaw.

Here is an example of sticking to one specific incident: "When you turned down going to the party tonight, I felt frustrated and hurt because it’s been a while since we went out together, and I’d really like to go with you."

Here is an example of bringing in past incidents: "You always say no. Remember last month when you wouldn’t go on the double date? And a few months ago, when you wanted to stay home instead of going with me to the school function? Why don’t you ever go out with me?"

4. They listen and validate each other

people who have stayed married for years as they start with hearing and validation fizkes / Shutterstock

Always start with at least one compassionate sentence when receiving a complaint. An angry person needs their point to be heard before they can listen.

A successful strategy is to show that you understand what the angry person is saying by repeating and validating what they said. You’ll be surprised how much this actually defuses anger and calms people down.

This does not mean that you agree that their interpretation is correct. You still have the right to disagree with their point of view and represent yourself fairly. But, if you want your story to be listened to, then show him you’re listening first.

Here is an example of hearing and validating without necessarily agreeing that they are interpreting it correctly: "I hear that you thought I was annoyed with you and your story when I turned away. I understand how it might have seemed that way to you. And I see that you were hurt by it. You might like to know that I was not actually annoyed."

5. They don't talk down to each other

people who have stayed married for years as they don't criticize BearFotos / Shutterstock

Criticism and contempt are both character assassinations. Criticism is milder, contempt is more hateful. Either one communicates dislike, disrespect, and is a guaranteed descent into a destructive fight.

If you phrase something as criticism or contempt, it naturally elicits defensiveness or retaliation from your partner. And there is no rerouting that conversation in a positive direction.

Here is an example of criticism and contempt: "Talking to you is boring. Why aren't you interested anymore?" This leaves the receiver feeling hated.

Here is an example of phrasing the same concern as a (healthier) complaint: "I think I might have noticed that you were participating less when we were talking last night. I felt worried that you might not be interested anymore in hearing what I have to say. I miss the enthusiasm you’ve had before. Was there something bothering you?" This leaves the receiver feeling wanted.

6. They don't mock or belittle

couple who have stayed married for years as they don't mock partner during fight Iammotos / Shutterstock

Don’t ever do this. It absolutely never has a positive outcome. And it makes you seem like the bad guy. Although it may feel like venting off some steam or might seem funny to you, belittling your partner or being sarcastic to make a point feels extremely disrespectful, ridiculing, and hurtful to the receiver. Mocking or sarcastically impersonating someone in distress is considered by Gottman to be the kind of contempt that is a significant predictor of a breakup.

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7. They don't say 'You always ...' or 'You never ... '

people who stay married as they don't say you always Ground Picture / Shutterstock

Avoid these even if you've witnessed the offending behavior many times from your partner. "Always" and "never" statements are often not completely true, and will most likely make the receiver feel misunderstood or falsely accused, and will naturally elicit a counter-attack.

Here are examples of fight-starting "always" or "never" statements:

"You never listen to me when I’m talking."
"You never take out the trash."

Here is an example of sticking to a single incident: "When I asked you if you fed the dog and you walked away, I felt like you either didn’t hear me or didn’t want to, and I felt frustrated and sad. I wish you would stay with me when I’m asking you something so I know you’re listening."

8. They don't shut down or ignore complaints

couple who have stayed married for years as they don't attempt to be neutral fizkes / Shutterstock

It may seem like a fight stopper to be non-responsive to a complaint or criticism. But it can come across as uncaring or even hostile. Withdrawing from the conversation, walking out, or being non-responsive actually escalates the fight because the person trying to communicate their feelings can’t get through to you.

Here are examples of withdrawing or non-responsiveness:

Person A: "Who ate all the breakfast muffins? I wanted those for tomorrow!"

Person B: (runs into the other room and slams the door)

Person A: "Can we talk about yesterday when you told the neighbor that I never take the trash out? I felt really upset about that."

Person B: (Looks down at the magazine and grunts)

It’s always uncomfortable when your partner is mad at you, or when you need to bring up something he did that scared or hurt you. But if you’re in an emotionally connected relationship, you’ll eventually step on each other’s toes and need to talk it out.

If you know how to fight right, you can make these uncomfortable moments into opportunities to build solid listening and communication skills for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. And remember, no couple fights perfectly all the time.

These are habits to practice and bring yourself back to. If you try to use these in the majority of your fights, you’ll be headed in the right direction to stay married for many years to come.

Heidi Hartston, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Oakland, California. She has been helping people repair relationships, manage parenting stress, overcome anxiety, OCD, and depression for over 18 years.