People Who Settle Just To Feel Chosen Usually Fall Into These 4 Desperate Traps
Iryna Studenets | Unsplash Part of living effortlessly and letting go of an ex is learning how to be at peace with your life in the present, but a lot of people wholeheartedly wish their single status weren't so. They gaze longingly at the world, watching couples go by and wishing that they could feel as happy and in love as the couples seem to be.
Does that sound familiar? If it does, and you yearn to be in a relationship because you believe that being in one would be far better than the single life you live now, I can assure you, it's not always what it seems. Your mind might just be playing tricks on you. Avoid the following thought traps to keep your single self free from stress and sadness, and make sure you're not missing the amazing moments in your life worth celebrating right now.
People who settle just to feel chosen usually fall into these 4 desperate traps:
1. How you feel is how things actually are
Here's an interesting truth: your feelings have nothing to do with your actual situation. All situations are actually neutral. Circumstances themselves don't have any meaning.
You being single isn't a feeling; it's a fact. Everything else — your sadness, stress, or anxiety — is simply feelings that result from your thoughts about that neutral fact. Your feelings are created by the judgments (negative unconscious or conscious meanings) that you choose to apply to your situation. Don't believe it?
Well, there are plenty of people who are in the same boat as you, but who think (and therefore feel) completely differently about it. Some of them even truly enjoy being single! So the difference is what you choose to think about being single at any given moment.
2. Hurt and insecurity from the past foretell your relationship's future
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So often, I see clients of mine get very stuck living in the past and projecting that past onto the future. Because of previous negative experiences, they are consumed with thoughts like, I will never find someone, or being in a great relationship won't happen to me.
Statements like these may feel true to you, but how can you really know that love will never find you? You can't. You don't know that a better relationship than you even dreamed possible might be waiting for you just around the corner!
People who are highly sensitive to rejection tend to have relationships that are significantly more likely to end than those who don't carry that same emotional baggage, research has concluded. In other words, expecting rejection can actually lead you to behave in ways that push people away.
A big sign that your toxic thoughts have indeed taken over is that you feel stuck and full of worry. These thoughts keep pulling you out of the present moment, and I guarantee you this: if you didn't have those thoughts, you would be at peace.
3. You can feel as happy as couples in love look
This one is both true and false, which makes it one of the biggest tricksters the mind has to offer. It's false because you really don't know what those amazing couples you are so jealous of are truly feeling.
Remember, being in a relationship is a journey. And like any journey, there are good days and bad days, and many ups and downs. There are times when both people feel disconnected and are unable to communicate in a way that best represents their love and who they truly are.
A study of over 165,000 people found that relationship satisfaction isn't some steady state of bliss. It ebbs and flows, dipping when conflict arises and rising during moments of real intimacy and connection.
So that happiness you think other couples have figured out? It's not hiding in someone else's relationship. It's already within your reach, no matter what your relationship status looks like right now.
There are also times when they feel deeply connected and happy. It's false to assume that two people in a relationship always feel the way you see them acting in that moment: happy, smiling, and in love.
They have mixed feelings, just like you. So, yes, the happiness those couples sometimes feel is also possible for you. Admit it: there are times you feel happy without being in a relationship, and moments you've felt sad and lonely while in one. Feelings don't come from situations or circumstances; they come from you!
4. Being single says something negative about you
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I once thought that not being in a relationship said something about me: that I was unworthy. My mother brought me up believing that self-confidence was measured by whether or not I was in a relationship with a man. So when I wasn't, I thought that I was unworthy of one, which of course meant something negative about me. Not so.
In fact, I found that being single is hugely liberating and an opportunity to find peace within myself. Being single is just a situation and not something to take personally or feel victimized by.
A 2006 study even found that when people were asked to rate people who are single in hypothetical scenarios, they viewed them as less friendly and trustworthy, yet there's actually (and obviously) no evidence that single people are fundamentally different from coupled people when it comes to personality or character.
Remember, the state of being single is neutral, just as being in a relationship is neutral. However, if you fall prey to the illusion of thinking that your status (either way) says something about your personal worth, pause and remind yourself that feelings show up simply to 100 percent mirror your chosen thoughts at that particular moment. Thoughts change, and so can your feelings.
Marina Pearson is an effortless living coach, international speaker, blogger, and best-selling author of Goodbye Mr. Ex.
