Women Who Never Settle For Less Than They Deserve Do These 5 Things In Every Relationship
Two rebounds do not make a slam dunk, so get honest about what you're not getting.
pocstock | Canva Few things feel better than the security of a committed romantic relationships. But what if your relationship isn't all you've dreamed of? Worse, what if the relationship you're in falls short of the love you truly deserve?
I've experienced the allure of an unfulfilling, but seemingly secure relationship myself in the past. Two separate men who ended our relationships before I had the chance to end things myself each tried reconnecting months later. Eventually, they both proposed to me! I asked each man the reason he had suddenly reappeared, and they described their disappointment with the last person they dated — so they thought of me!
While a job opening can be filled this way, you certainly don’t want to hear it from someone who’s proposing marriage. Even if I had accepted these two returnees, how long would it have been before they were dissatisfied with me again? Would it have been worth it for me to settle?
How to know if you're settling for less than you deserve
1. Get honest about what you need
Here are a few ideas to get you started, but yours may be different:
- Physical Beauty
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Passion
- Financial stability or Support
- Fabulous Lifestyle
- Fun and Adventure
- Peace
2. Get honest about what you're not getting
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While we may be so busy complaining, either to ourselves or to others, we must also clarify if these important needs aren't met:
- Monogamy
- Commitment
- Financial Mutuality
- Respect
- Honesty
- Emotional Stability
Then ask yourself, “What evidence do you have that they can and will meet your needs most of the time without being reminded?
3. Be realistic about what would happen if you stayed in that relationship
The relationships with the men I mentioned earlier were en route to being marriages of convenience, and it wouldn’t have been the slightest bit convenient for me.
Each would have been a “no-sided relationship” because we felt lukewarm, and luckily, I didn’t fall for the sense of triumph when they realized they “couldn’t do better,” which is the cause of so many divorces.
Every Choice has Pros and Cons:
With most relationships, there are certain benefits to the partnership you greatly value and an almost equal number of behaviors you dislike, and this is called “feeling torn,” according to Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., founder of Nonviolent Communication.
4. Figure out what can be fixed and what cannot
Once you’ve identified what is causing the agony for you, the opportunity is to see how fast you can fix it or exit it. Just remember, you need to be realistic and honest with yourself and your partner about what you determined in the first three points in this list.
Acceptance must come before inspiring change in your partner because criticism creates distance and disconnection. Once you accept them, you can figure out how to move forward and be realistic about what can change and what cannot — both in regards to who you both are, what you can give, and what you need.
5. Figure out if the trade-offs of this relationship are worth it
Begin by asking yourself the tough questions:
- Is this person the one without whom life would be less wonderful for me?
- Is this the person without whom my life would lack joy and bliss?
- Is this the only intimate partner I can imagine for the rest of my life?
If so, then you need to learn to motivate and inspire them so you become the only option, irresistible and undeniable, without losing your soul by trying to change who you are.
In any mutually satisfying lifelong partnership, making sure your needs and your partner's needs are met is a key to mutual satisfaction. But if you are the only one with these skills and focus, life can become a nightmare.
When you focus on your key needs with honesty, discuss them with a potential partner with transparency, and listen carefully to each response, you will learn the truth about someone's ability to go the distance with you or not.
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach, and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc., and creator of The 6 Part Conversation and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.
