People Who Have Serious Trust Issues Often Don’t Realize They Do These 5 Insecure Things In Their Relationship
Trust issues can really harm relationships.
Max4e Photo | Shutterstock It takes a boatload of things to make a relationship work: time, patience, the ability to compromise, and so on. But most importantly, you need trust in a relationship. Trust is the one thing that truly can instantly make or break a relationship.
Whether your relationship is fresh and new or if you’ve been through the wringer together, it’s easy to say you and your significant other trust each other. But when it comes down to it, do you really trust the person you’re sleeping next to at night, or do you have trust issues about everything?
People who have serious trust issues often don’t realize they do these 5 insecure things in their relationship:
1. They always sneak a peek
Not once was there an instance when I could be in my ex-boyfriend’s room with his phone while he was out of the room without sneaking a peek. I’d be sitting on his bed, minding my own business, and it would be on his dresser, just staring at me, tempting me.
Whether it was checking his text messages, recent calls, or voicemails, I had to check something. Yes, it gave me a slight sense of security when I didn’t find any dirt, but it also caused me to drive myself nuts.
If he deleted all his messages, I instantly wondered what he had to hide. We would even get in fights when he would put a lock code on his phone because I felt like he just did it. After all, there was something secretive inside that he didn’t want me to see.
In my current relationship, not once have I ever felt the need to see what’s in his phone or even know his passcode, for that matter. I love that he’s open with me about his phone. He never tries to hide his texts when he’s typing, and because of that fact, I never feel the need to even peek over his shoulder.
Research on attachment insecurity and power regulation in intimate relationships emphasized the need for an "understanding of the diverse ways people attempt to negotiate dependence and power in adult relationships." When a person reacts from avoidance and anxiety, it often reflects a strategy to regulate dependence and control in the relationship
2. They dig into past relationships like a second job
Elizaveta Starkova via Shutterstock
Let me start by saying I knew everything about my ex’s exes. I knew where they were from, where they went to school, what they did in their spare time, and even what they were good at in bed. He’d tell me about his “number,” and immediately, I wanted to know what their names were so I could go home and find them on social media to see what I was up against.
Sometimes he would casually mention his ex-girlfriend’s name like they were still friends, so obviously I’d ask, and he’d always beat around the bush. So I’d ask some more, and before you knew it, I’d be at home in bed scrolling through their Instagram pages.
In my current relationship, I honestly don’t even know what my boyfriend's exes are named. I don’t know where they’re from or what they liked to do; all I know is that the past is the past. All we care about now is that we have each other.
3. They don't want their partner to go out without them
I can’t even tell you how many times my ex-boyfriend said he wanted to go out with the guys, and I’d be all naggy like, “Noooo, stay here with me. Come on.” I realize now it wasn’t that I actually wanted him to stay at the house with me. It’s more than I just didn’t want him to go out and make me sit home and wonder.
Oh, and how convenient was it that we were dating when he turned 21 and thought he was on top of the world? It was almost every night that he would go out drinking, and every time I asked to go (obviously to supervise), it was “guys' night” and “it would be weird if I went.” Can you say sketchy?
Now, I encourage my boyfriend to go out with his friends. He’s responsible, trustworthy, and caring, and I know for a fact he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt me.
4. They always second-guess
The second you receive that “gotta stay late at work” text, you are instantly trying to figure out if it’s the truth or not.
- Who called out?
- Did it get busy?
- What’s the deal?
The fact that you have to take a second guess every time your significant other tells you the plans are changing is clearly a sign of trust issues and can lead to exaggeration as compensation for insecurity.
Affective exaggeration can enhance the chronically insecure partner's sense of being valued, as shown in a study of interpersonal security of chronically insecure people. However, the use of exaggeration as insecurity compensation also predicted reduced relationship satisfaction.
Right now, my boyfriend and I have no issues when we’re not physically together. When he tells me he’s out with the guys playing darts, I have no second guesses about whether that’s really what he’s doing. It’s a great feeling not having to rack your brain trying to figure out if your significant other is telling the truth about where he is.
5. They are overcurious about social media activity
Photoroyalty via Shutterstock
Especially in our day and age, when we’re posting our every move to Facebook and our every bite to Instagram, it only makes sense that eventually, these social media platforms would create some sort of problem with trust in a relationship. In a trusting relationship, chances are social media doesn’t really matter. It’s more of just something to communicate with friends and family or watch stupid viral videos.
In a relationship where there may not be trust, social media probably drives you up the wall. Whether you see your significant other “liking” some person's Facebook status, double-tapping someone’s Instagram photo, or retweeting their tweet, you almost immediately assume there is something more than just innocent social media communication going on.
I’m not writing this to make you second-guess the level of trust in your relationship (or your entire relationship as a whole), but it’s truly something you need to be honest with yourself about. It might not be the easiest thing to admit, but sometimes we want to validate our relationships with ourselves and with others.
Psychologist Dr. Courtney Warren explained, "If you find yourself snooping, you inherently don’t trust your mate. Yet, trust is a key component of healthy romantic relationships. It’s influenced by who your partner is and by who you are, because we all bring our past learning and experiences into new relationships. So, if you have had difficult experiences in the past with cheating, being dumped, or being abused, it will likely seep into your new dating relationships if you’re not careful. Instead of snooping, communicate with your partner while working through your own insecurities and past baggage internally."
Saying you and your significant other trust each other really makes it seem like it’s all rainbows and butterflies. A study of power in close relationships showed "dependence and control are central to the development of attachment insecurity and the manifestation of attachment insecurity in adult intimate relationships."
Like many other unhealthy relationship situations, you aren’t alone. Just take my past relationship situation, for example. It all started with a person getting into a brand-new relationship. We were young and it was fun, but as we grew up and life started to get more serious, we had to go through many new, adult experiences together. There was a serious test of trust, to say the least.
We dated for over a year, and as time went on, things got harder. Eventually, we started arguing more, little things he did just set me off for no reason, and eventually, we ended things. But I knew deep down in my heart that since the first day of our relationship, something was off.
You could say that our relationship might have even been doomed from the start because the sense of trust just wasn’t there. Whenever someone asked how we were, I’d lie and tell them everything was perfect. I never wanted to admit to others or even myself that there was an issue because I was comfortable with him, and honestly, I didn’t want to be alone.
It was not until recently that I got into a relationship where there is security, compromise, and, most importantly, trust. I realized I was lying to myself for the entire year and a half I dated my ex. Research on adult attachment and trust in romantic relationships highlighted the importance of trust, or perceptions of partners’ dependability and faith in the future of the relationship.
When it comes down to it, you should never have to feel like you’re fighting for your significant other. You are (or should be) the only one who has their attention. You should also never feel rushed or pressured.
If you really trust your significant other, you know they aren’t going anywhere. You aren’t in a rush to get things done with them because you know they’ll always be there by your side.
Kristen Bousquet is a fashion, beauty, and lifestyle writer for Stylecaster, Brit + Co, and Totally Beauty.
