8 Mistakes You (Accidentally) Make That Curb Your Desirability

Photo: mimagephotography, igor_kell | Canva
Independent woman

Lately, I’ve noticed some reasons people struggle to attract a good person and keep healthy relationships going for the long term.

Sometimes, the best dating tips and advice come not only from knowing what you should do to get someone to like you and fall in love with you but also from taking a long, hard look at the biggest, most common mistakes people make all too frequently.

If you see yourself on the following list, don't worry. It can be fixed, and I've been there too.

RELATED: 9 Small, Unintentional Mistakes Women Make On Their Dating Profile

Here are 8 mistakes you (accidentally) make that curb your desirability:

1. You hate being single.

There is a difference between genuinely wanting to enjoy a relationship and feeling as though you’re secretly doomed if you’re not coupled up.

The problem with wanting a relationship is that it gives off a needy vibe that people perceive as "it doesn’t matter if they like me because they want someone."

This needy energy puts the other person in the driver’s seat and kills the opportunity to win you over with the chase.

If you’re already in a relationship, not being comfortable with your own company will cause you to settle because being alone is scarier than anything else.

That brings me to the next point ...

RELATED: Don't Agree To A First Date Until You've Done This One Major Thing

2. You think a relationship will bring you happiness.

Relationships are not the cure-all for your happiness problem.

While romantic love is one of the most beautiful, transformative experiences, expecting another person to make you happy is unrealistic.

Knowing how to be happy with your life is the secret. People are magnetically drawn to happy people.

Because people get this backward so often, they don’t understand why they fail to attract love. You have to be happy first, then the love and relationship can come into your life.

RELATED: 3 Huge Mistakes Even Smart Women Make That Ruin Relationships

3. You're too eager to have children or merge a family.

Finding a person who wants to have children or parent yours (if you’re a single parent) is amazing. It is NOT WRONG to want children. You are entitled to what you want your life to look like.

The problem is that when we look for a person to have a family with, sometimes we sound like that’s way more important than falling in love and having a good relationship.

Marriage and children are high-stakes concepts — so when we meet a person who's so focused more on the family and less on what the other person is like, it is a complete turnoff.

I understand why this happens.

If you’re in your 30s, want children, and are single, the clock is ticking for healthy biological children. If you’re a single parent, you cherish your children and want to meet someone who would be good with them.

Either way, the pressure to meet a family-friendly person can be intense.

The problem happens when we pass this pressure onto the other person — even when they don’t mean to.

Sometimes, we try to "cut to the chase" and ask if they want a family. Sometimes, we try to figure out whether or not they might be open to marriage without getting to know them first.

While not wanting to waste time makes sense. However, it makes the person in front of you bolt.

Also, wanting the same things is key. However, these are not topics to discuss on the first few dates when you’re getting to know someone before you’ve both even figured out if there's a mutual attraction.

RELATED: If Your Partner Has These 21 Habits, Marry Him Immediately

4. You're too independent.

I was raised to be capable. It took me a while to learn that "capable" doesn’t mean "don’t accept anyone’s ideas," "you always know better," or "treat that person like they're hired to help while they hang those shelves."

Independence is awesome, but keep in mind that bossy is not.

As a recovering control freak, I can vouch that expecting everything to be just so will kill a person's desirability to you faster than you can say "Put that over there."

RELATED: 11 Little Things Men Secretly Adore About The Women They Love

5. You make them the center of your world.

All of the great stuff that comes along with a relationship is wonderful.

If you give up your dreams, hobbies, and passions to spend more time with another person, eventually, you will feel the pain of losing yourself.

They will notice that your emotional world revolves around them — and this is too much responsibility for anyone.

Sooner or later, resentment will bloom and damage your relationship.

You don’t have to sell out for love. Hold fast to what you like. If there is one major regret I have about my failed relationships, it’s the times I compromised on what I love for love.

Never make another person your hobby, your dream, or your goal.

It will hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine right now. There is nothing more attractive than the way someone’s eyes light up when they’re talking about their passions. Never compromise that for anyone.

RELATED: I Finally Ditched My Commitment Issues — By Creeping On My Man (Oops)

6. You hold undercover negative beliefs

General negativity about other people is a significant reason they are turned off by someone who would otherwise be desirable.

If you’ve gotten your heart broken a few times or had a shaky relationship with your parents, it can be a challenge to trust and understand other people.

This leads to the excruciating catch-22 position of wanting to attract a good person but not believing it’s possible.

If you think that all they want is sex or they can’t stay faithful, you will manifest those situations!

Liking other people is essential to attracting a good person and keeping them long-term. People can sense when you don’t trust them, and it kills all attraction to you.

How do you like other people when you have been hurt?

Start noticing all of the times when people do things you appreciate. Remember, we are all individuals, like members of any other group. Some are bad news, and some are wonderful.

Do your best to stop generalizing. It will do wonders for the quality of people you attract into your life.

RELATED: If He Doesn't Have These 20 Qualities, He's Not Your Soulmate

7. You chase them down.

I've written before about how to get someone to chase you, but it bears repeating that if you want someone who will pursue you and cherish your feelings, it has to be their idea.

I know how hard it is to sit back and wait for... well... anything... but patience is essential if you want the kind of love that lasts.

From now on, you don’t need closure to know "why they weren’t interested" or anything else. Gracefully let dead relationships die, and the cream floats to the surface.

If they want you, you’ll know because they'll go out of their way to treat you well. If not, drop them like a hot potato.

RELATED: 17 Signs He's, Positively, Absolutely Crazy About You

8. You're ready to ditch your relationship at the drop of a hat.

Commitment phobia is real — even when you think you want a good relationship.

If you’ve ever been hurt or found yourself in a dead-end relationship, the urge to bolt when times get tough can be overwhelming.

When I was a kid, my wonderful mother reminded me often that she was always prepared in the case that she had to support both of us — even though my Dad was very much present and still happily married to her to this day.

As an adult, I understand that she intended to produce a daughter who could handle herself in the world (thanks, Mom!) but as a child, it terrified me.

For no good reason, I spent my childhood thinking my Dad would bolt and my partners weren’t to be trusted.

From his actions, my Dad was very committed to our family. But her fear crept into my psyche just the same.

RELATED: 11 Signs He's Not In Love — You're Just Convenient

Whatever your circumstances are, they shape what you do in the present with the people in your life.

I don’t blame you if you have a touch of runaway bride in you like I do. However, it’s worth the emotional work to get to a place where you can stay and be vulnerable even when things get tough.

To be happy in a relationship, people have to feel secure.

If you always have your running shoes on, your partner will feel you could abandon them at any moment. This is not healthy for either of you. It will destabilize the bond you're trying to build.

In the end, relationships can hurt, but you definitely won’t save yourself from losing a person by preparing to lose them first.

RELATED: 20 Little Things That'll Make Your Relationship Super Strong

Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.