11 Micro-Rejections That Slowly Ruin Good Marriages
When one or both partners stop trying, their marriage simply won't survive.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Marriages don't fall apart overnight; rather, the unravel slowly, beginning when couples let important things go unaddressed or unresolved. These are micro-rejections that slowly ruin good marriages, chipping away at the trust they have built over time. One partner may not even be aware that they are causing their spouse harm in the marriage, but eventually, the other partner will internalize the disconnection and feel the relationship's volatility.
Micro-rejections aren't always obvious, but they harm a person's self-worth and self-esteem. Whether it's comparing them to other people, downplaying their achievements out of spite and jealousy, or not showing them appreciation, recognizing that these small rejections can ruin any marriage will bring to light how to avoid them.
Here are 11 micro-rejections that slowly ruin good marriages
1. Not listening
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Not listening to what your partner has to say is one way to reject both how they are feeling and actively trying to misinterpret what they say. When your spouse feels unheard, they will emotionally withdraw or stop sharing their issues altogether. This can make someone feel like their needs don't matter as much as whatever you're going through. Rejecting their attempts to communicate is like rejecting a part of them.
Couples tend to communicate more effectively when discussing meaningful topics like children more than about conflict-prone topics such as finances or extended family. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples could improve their communication skills by engaging in challenging topics that require mutual support and understanding.
By actively listening to your partner about whatever topic they are talking about, the two of you can make your marriage better.
2. Dismissing their emotions
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When you dismiss your partner's emotions, you stop them from expressing themselves. And as a study published in 2022 determined, suppressing emotions within a marriage can negatively impact the psychological well-being of the person who is actively suppressing themselves.
There are ways to fix this if you are the person who suppresses their feelings. Noticing that you do this and sitting in the uncomfortable feeling of it can help you gain the confidence to express yourself more often.
Too often, people will think that looking internally means blaming themselves, but that's not the case. In fact, looking within allows you to set boundaries with others more clearly, particularly with your partner who barely listens to you. You have to start demanding their attention or let them face the consequences of ignoring you.
3. Lacking appreciation
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Not being appreciated can damage a person's self-worth to the point where they are left feeling undervalued. When appreciation is missing from a marriage, it allows resentment to grow and fuels constant arguments.
It also creates a communication barrier within the couple and makes it hard for them to support each other when they need to. Appreciation makes a person feel seen and heard, so it can easily become one of the micro-rejections that slowly ruin good marriages.
In order to maintain a strong marriage, both partners need to show gratitude towards each other, even for the small things. Small acknowledgments and praises for doing a good job can go a long way. Appreciate their efforts whenever you get the chance to.
4. Avoiding physical affection
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Avoiding a physical connection is just as bad as avoiding a mental connection within a marriage. Intimacy is incredibly important to ensuring relationships thrive, whether it's in the bedroom, or simple things like holding hands and cuddling.
Research from 2020 found that couples who avoid intimacy make their relationships prone to infidelity and disconnection. Avoiding physical affection is considered a micro-rejection because it can turn something small into a larger issue later on.
A small kiss or hug is not a hard ask from the person you married. When people are lonely within their own relationships, they look to other outlets to fill the void. Don't let this happen to your marriage; instead, take the time to focus on building intimacy with one another.
5. Downplaying their achievements
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Downplaying your partner's achievements is a low blow, especially when you're aware of how hard they have worked to get to where they are. This sends a direct message to them that no matter how hard they try, their efforts will never be good enough.
This just causes more emotional distance. And no matter what you think, marriage should never be a competition between partners. Rather, healthy marriages thrive on mutual support and celebration of each other's victories.
Genuinely appreciating your partner's efforts makes the bond between the two of you stronger. It also creates a space where you each feel valued. If the two of you have children, it can set an example of what a healthy marriage looks like, rather than one built on putting each other down.
6. Being glued to a phone
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While it seems pretty minor, one of the major micro-rejections that slowly ruin good marriages is always being on your phone. It can be annoying and frustrating when your partner is constantly glued to their phone, especially when the two of you are trying to have a conversation.
If a partner has to compete with everyone in your contacts list, they will begin to allow you to talk to whomever you want, which leads to a disconnect in the marriage. Eventually, they might just end things due to loneliness and resentment.
Phones can be a source of distraction that interrupts quality time and shared experiences. According to a survey by Pew Research Center, 25% of married or partnered adults felt their spouse or partner was distracted by their phone when they were together.
7. Joking at their expense
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There's nothing wrong with telling jokes and laughing together, but when only one person is the punchline it can escalate quickly into hurtful behavior. According to a study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who were targets of aggressive or unkind teasing reported more negative emotions compared to those who engaged in such behaviors.
Hurtful teasing can diminish your partner's self-worth. And sooner or later, they may feel like they're not being respected in the marriage, particularly if they told you in the past that it bothers them. You're supposed to laugh together, not at each other.
Healthy humor in a relationship should lift both partners up, not tear them down. Besides, what's the point of making a joke if it comes at the cost of someone else's dignity?
8. Not following through
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Everyone is going to face disappointments in a relationship, but it can hurt when the person you rely on the most lets you down. What makes this micro-rejection dangerous is that it's so easy to rationalize by saying that you forgot to do something you said you were going to do. Not following through for your partner can have severe consequences, like them being unable to trust your words.
The impact of broken promises in a relationship can diminish trust and make your partner see you as a liar who is unreliable. The only way to fix it is by acknowledging that you didn't follow through on your promises.
As clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther, PhD explained, validating your partner's feelings of betrayal and being cautious when making future commitments would help the relationship. Being consistent should solve these issues, but few will take that advice and instead let their marriages run their course.
9. Constantly comparing them to others
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Nobody likes being compared to an ex or someone your spouse just met at work. People are different, and comparing them to exes can make them feel like they are not unique enough for you. It can also make them think that you still carry a torch for this particular person. Trying to make someone jealous or insecure about themselves is not a nice thing to do, even if you believe it to be harmless reminiscing.
Behind these comments lies a deeply rooted nervousness. A person's anxiety often influences their abilities to compare themselves with their partner's ex or their own ex's current partner. A study published in the Journal of Relationships Research found that people with high attachment anxiety are more likely to make social comparisons involving their partner's ex.
In a healthy marriage, each partner wants to feel chosen as they are and not be compared to anyone else.
10. Withholding praise
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It's natural to want to be proud of your spouse when they reach a life-long goal. What's not normal is withholding praise from them. When acts go unnoticed, your spouse might feel invisible or taken for granted. Even if they did something small, acknowledging their effort can make them happier. It can also change their opinions over how they see the relationship between the two of you.
Healthy marriages thrive on mutual appreciation. A study from the University of Georgia found that feeling appreciated by one's spouse directly influenced how a person felt about their marriage, their commitment to it, and their belief in its longevity. By appreciating your spouse, you shine a spotlight on their contributions and the worth that they bring into the relationship.
11. Avoiding conflict at all costs
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When one or both partners avoids conflict, it prolongs the inevitability of a split somewhere down the line. When partners continually sidestep difficult conversations, it's one of the micro-rejections that slowly ruin good marriages, as these important issues remain unresolved.
Learning how to engage in respectful disagreements and find resolutions is the only way to stop avoiding conflict. Discuss your misunderstands and resentments towards each other because being vulnerable can help mend the bond.
Healthy conflict is a sign of an honest relationship, not a troubled one. The worst micro-rejection is when you are actively blocking your partner from trying to make things right with you. Once this occurs, you have to start being honest with yourself and admit that the reason you don't want to fix the marriage is because you secretly want it to end.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
