10 Things Men Unintentionally Do That Push Even The Most Loyal Woman Away, According To Relationship Expert
Even good men can ruin their chances with a great woman.
Gaelle Lewyllie | Unsplash I was once interviewed by an author who found herself immersed in the LA dating scene. We discussed some recent experiences she had with men, and while some of them were a little different from what I usually hear, some were consistent with issues I felt I had discussed multiple times before with different women about men.
What does this mean? It means there are consistencies. There are, for some reason, mistakes that many men (probably myself included) are making when it comes to being in a relationship. To prevent you from pushing even the most loyal woman away, focusing on specific behaviors and expressing how they make you feel without exaggerating their frequency is crucial. Researchers encourage addressing specific behaviors and expressing your feelings, as this opens the door to a more constructive conversation and keeps good relationships intact.
Here are ten things men unintentionally do that push even the most loyal woman away:
1. They never really learned about relationships
This has always surprised me. Men spend years of their life learning about business, history, science, and whatever subject comes our way. But when it comes to the one thing every single one of us shares — relationships — many are generally clueless.
Time is not taken to observe, talk to, or learn about the opposite gender. The more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings, emotions, likes, and dislikes.
This will, of course, lead to a smoother, happier relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to act on them. You don't need to be a mind reader; you just need to put in a little effort.
2. They spend too much time trying to sell themself
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You spend far too much time talking about yourself and not enough time learning about her. Dating is not supposed to be a sales pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table that you're their best option.
It's about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not you are both a match for each other. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so listen twice as much as you speak.
3. They don't make her a priority
I've had more than one conversation recently that focused on men who were either so submerged in their careers, business, friends, or other interests that they barely made time to spend with their girlfriends. As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a relationship can bring to your life and the importance of playing an equal role in it.
The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with her. She doesn't need to have you around constantly, but she wants to feel loved, just like you do.
If you stop putting in the effort to make the woman in your life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when someone else does.
4. They didn't work to build a foundation
A foundation of friendship and trust is essential to every relationship, much like building a foundation is essential to building a house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside, but will be crumbling from the inside.
Many men shy away from friendship with women because they're scared of being in the "friend zone" and never having more than that with a woman they have feelings for. But it's important to realize that many relationships are built on friendships.
That is what keeps two people together long-term. She needs to know she can count on you, that you will be there, and that you are the real deal. You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can't have a relationship without a friendship.
Research suggests that men who neglect to build a strong relationship foundation often experience partner-initiated break-ups, emotional distress, and difficulty with life transitions. These men may struggle with conflict resolution, emotional intimacy, and taking accountability for their actions.
5. They're inconsistent
Another common question I get from women about men is: Why are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What gives?
I understand that, as men in the social media era, we have options. We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while easily forgetting about the last one.
It's an unfortunate side effect of the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality that comes along with constant information overload. But one thing hasn't changed: The fact that you are talking to real human beings with real feelings and emotions.
If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never allow a woman to fall if he does not intend to catch her.
6. They focus too much on looks
This one is pretty interesting because it may be counterintuitive to a lot of men reading this. But that is only because most guys try to get a woman's attention by complimenting her beauty, and put no effort into learning about her character.
Early on in my relationship, I found myself not complimenting my girlfriend on her looks very often. I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen; I wanted to tell her that she looks just as beautiful in sweatpants as she does in a dress.
I wanted to dig up every adjective I could think of that could be used to describe someone's appearance, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't want her to think that's why I wanted to be with her.
Yes, she is beautiful and alluring, but she is so much more than that. I told her once that I didn't want her to think I only wanted her for her looks. She told me that if I'd spent too much time complimenting her beauty, that's exactly what she would've thought.
The woman in your life will have much more appreciation for you taking the time to notice her character, compassion, thoughtfulness, and kindheartedness — far more than you telling her how great her butt looks in those jeans. Even if it does.
7. They give too much, too soon
Yes, men can be clingy, too. When we find a woman who really catches our attention, sometimes the excitement can be a little overwhelming and we may come on stronger than we intend to. This, particularly for a more independent type of woman, is kryptonite and pushes her away immediately.
Take a step back, take a deep breath, tell her what a great time you had on your date, and do your best to fight the urge to text her every 5 minutes. Don't be worried about coming across as uninterested; you will likely be helping yourself rather than hurting yourself.
8. They haven't yet defined themself or their path
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I know that this was a big hang-up for me for a long time. I wasn't sure who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, or who I wanted to become. For that reason (and others), I knew I wasn't going to be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those questions.
To be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you'll ever have. If that one isn't healthy, none of your others will be either.
The idea of "you complete me" is romantic, but it's not realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each other; it's about two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.
Men struggling to understand themselves, particularly those who haven't resolved core self-esteem issues or internalized societal norms, can struggle in relationships. A 2015 study concluded that this often manifests as fear of intimacy, difficulty expressing emotions, and patterns of self-sabotage.
9. They put in part-time effort
Healthy relationships aren't a part-time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn't be made to feel like she is.
When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you're thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn't pull their weight.
She needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just sort-of-kind-of-committed, she will eventually realize she's better off being single or will find someone who gives her what she needs.
10. They're clueless about how she's feeling
You also need to make sure you learn about her on a deeper level, especially about the one woman you've committed your time and effort to. If you don't put in the effort to become in tune with how she's feeling or what she's communicating to you non-verbally, you will never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a healthy relationship should possess.
She doesn't want or need you to be a psychic. But if you truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her, and pay attention to the things she's saying to you when she's not speaking, you will gain a greater understanding of the woman you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you as individuals, and to your relationship.
Relationships shouldn't be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They don't need rules or checklists; what they do need is two people who are willing to learn, understand, and communicate; two people who will stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.
Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because, in the end, the team wins the game.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and relationship coach. He is a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
