Men Who Push Good Women Away Often Battle These 11 Internal Fears
Good women are hard to find and sometimes, losing them is the easiest way to calm a man's fears.
Lezin Konstantin / Shutterstock Dating is not an easy feat. Finding the perfect partner takes time and patience. While some people know when they’ve hit the relationship lottery and choose to keep that person for life, others can be so afraid of commitment that they push away even their greatest partner. Let’s face it, falling in love is scary.
“Why we push away the people we crave most often comes down to fear disguised as protection,” says Julie Barris, a crisis counselor for Moody Melon. “When love feels too close to the pain we once knew, our hearts confuse safety with danger — and we push away the very people who make us feel most alive.” This can be a reason why men push away even the best women. It’s hard for them to put themselves out there and let a partner in. They’re trying to hide their own internal fears. Instead of discussing their true feelings, they will walk away because it is easier than facing them directly.
Men who push good women away often battle these 11 internal fears
1. Vulnerability
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It’s scary to open up to people. Even if you’ve found a wonderful person, showing them everything about you can make anyone nervous. Vulnerability is needed for a successful relationship. Unfortunately, a man may push away a good woman if he is afraid of letting her in. He may be embarrassed by his past or ashamed of something. Whatever the reason, it is hard for a woman to come to terms with this.
Most women just want to be there for the person they love. It’s devastating when a man fears opening up to her. She would likely be supportive of whatever he needed to share, but instead, he would push her away rather than letting her in.
2. Rejection
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Let’s face it, we are all afraid of rejection. It’s hard to put yourself out there, not knowing if the person you have feelings for reciprocates. Many people try to avoid getting close to others because they are worried about not being accepted. The fear of rejection can hold back what would be a happy relationship.
“Men fear rejection in a way that most women don’t comprehend. After all, the man is used to being the pursuer. So he pursues, and it looks like he gets what he wants, and then he withdraws. Why does he pull back and withdraw just when things are starting to get really close?” says Carol Chanel, a life coach. “He’s afraid of rejection. Deep down, he thinks he’s not worthy, and so he makes sure he isn’t worthy so that he doesn’t have to deal with his fear of intimacy and rejection.”
3. Commitment
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We have all met a man who genuinely fears commitment. He thinks that his life will be over once he settles down with someone. Maybe he is too happy living his bachelor lifestyle, or he is scared of finding love only to have it end later down the line. It’s not easy to grow close to a good woman when a man fears commitment.
It’s easy for a man to push a woman away instead of committing. Most of the time, the concept of something like marriage or starting a family sparks fear in them. Will he be able to devote as much time to his job as he did before? His friends? His hobbies? These are all thoughts that go on internally and force a man to push a woman away.
4. Not being good enough
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When a man finds a woman whom he feels is perfect, he’ll want to return the behavior to her. However, if he has low confidence, he may think that he will never be good enough for her. He doesn’t want to let her down. He’ll feel he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t understand that by pushing her away, he is letting her down just as he feared.
“In truth, basically no man thinks they’re worthy of the woman they’re with. Don’t get me wrong. Some of us put on a really convincing game face. That doesn’t change the fact that we are perpetually undermining ourselves thanks to our inner narrative,” says The World’s ‘Happiest’ Medium. “Our own parents frequently reinforce these beliefs by teaching their sons they have to work to be good enough for a woman, while teaching their daughters that men have to work to be good enough for them. It is a vicious cycle that has been going on for a long time.”
5. Being controlled
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Nobody wants to feel controlled in a relationship. There is an unfair stereotype that once a man settles down with a woman, his life as he knows it instantly comes to an end. She then has total control over her partner's life. She tells him when he can go out, what he can wear, and how often he can see his friends. More often than not, this isn’t true. Women are not looking for total control over a man’s life.
The internal fear that control is her intention will make him push her away. He knows that she is a good woman and would make a wonderful partner. However, he has his mind set on the idea that she will tell him what to do and when he can do it. It causes him to ruin what could have been a great relationship.
6. Trust issues
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We have all been hurt by someone we thought we could trust. It’s painful, and it makes putting ourselves out there again terrifying. This is something that can greatly impact a man’s ability to quiet his internal fears. He will push a woman away, afraid she will do something that will hurt him.
“People with trust issues may find it difficult to feel secure in their relationships. When trust is broken, it might be hard to regain it,” says Noah Williams. “The absence of trust may not bode well for a relationship and your mental health.”
7. Change
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When a man feels his life is going well and he is happy, he may be reluctant to get into a relationship. Even if the woman he meets is wonderful, a fear of losing the life he built for himself can keep him from settling down. Change is scary. I know I am often afraid of losing what I’ve known for so long.
This internal fear makes it easy for a man to distance himself from a woman. He is likely embarrassed to say that change is something he deeply fears. He may feel silly about having these feelings. It’s not easy to be vulnerable. Instead of sharing what he wants to make sure stays the same in his life, he’d rather walk away.
8. The unknown
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The unknown is scary, especially when you are starting a new relationship. What will life look like if I settle down with this person? That question can be enough to have a man push away a good woman. He wants to be in control of his own life. By letting someone else in, he is losing the hold he has on his life.
“Our reactions to uncertainty may have made sense in evolution. The brain is constantly trying to predict what will happen next, allowing it to prepare the body and mind in the most effective way possible. In uncertain situations, that planning is a lot harder – and if you’re potentially facing a predator or a human foe, the wrong response could be deadly,” says David Robson for the BBC. “As a result, it could pay to err on the side of caution — either by avoiding the uncertainty altogether or by putting the brain and body in an aroused state that is ready to respond to a changing situation.”
9. Emotional intimacy
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It’s not easy to show emotions to someone new. For men, especially, they have been told that showing how they feel makes them weak. They’re afraid of addressing their feelings head-on. Instead of showing a woman his deepest fears and most upsetting thoughts, he will instead push her away.
“Fear of intimacy in men is a big problem for many men. They might feel loving and caring towards their partners or someone they just met, but this fear of intimacy can still creep in and block further connection,” says YY Wei, LCSW, CST, for The Relationship Center of Colorado. “A man that is unable to move forward with his fear of intimacy runs the risk of losing emotional intimacy and connection with his loved one but also with himself.”
10. Shame
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We have all felt shame at some point in our lives. Men struggle with working through things they are ashamed of. Events from their past may make them feel inadequate for a relationship. Possibly, they treated a previous partner poorly. They’ll feel that they’ll never be able to shake the shame that their behavior left them with.
Feelings of shame can make a man embarrassed. He likely doesn’t want to share problems from his past with a new partner. He could meet the perfect woman, but if he has shame that he hasn’t worked through, he will push her away. Being ashamed is a common experience. It’s how the man chooses to push through it that makes a difference.
11. Communication
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Having strong communication skills is necessary in a relationship. We’ve all been in relationships with someone who struggles to articulate their thoughts and feelings. It makes arguments more likely. Men who choose to shut down instead of communicating clearly can sabotage their relationships.
The thought of having to go over things that bother him can make a man turn away even the best woman. Most struggle with being told they are wrong. They also don’t want to be involved in frequent fights. They think they can avoid these communication struggles by simply avoiding a relationship.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
