Men Who Actually Resent Their Wives Often Do These 11 Things On Purpose
The signs that a man actually resents his wife may be subtle, but they are not to be ignored.
Bricolage / Shutterstock It’s not uncommon for resentment to occur in marriages. While there is no specific data on the number of couples who find themselves in resentful marriages, it is one of the most common issues that brings them to seek therapy or counseling. Resentment can be emotionally damaging to both parties. Society has encouraged men to bottle up their emotions, and when they are unhappy, it can spill over as bitterness towards their spouses.
Men may grow to resent their wives for many reasons. They can feel like there is unfairness or inequality in the relationship. Resentment can be brought on by the need for control, and if their wife is not allowing them that, they may start showing signs of their displeasure. No matter the reason behind their resentment, acting out upon it can lead to the end of a romantic relationship. It can be hard to pinpoint acts of resentment as they can be subtle. However, there are some key behaviors to look out for.
Men who actually resent their wives often do these 11 things on purpose
1. They disengage emotionally
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When a man actually resents his wife, he will often cut off his emotions entirely. He may stop providing emotional support to his partner, or he may begin to not care about her at all.
A study found that men disengage emotionally in more ways than one. A major way a man who resents his wife does this is by stopping feeling any emotions towards her entirely. Even negative emotions will go out the window. He will stop fighting with or for her, and it is typically difficult for a relationship to recover from emotional disengagement.
2. They blame their internal struggles on her
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Men who resent their wives will find a way to place the blame for their unhappiness on her. Suddenly, a man will point his finger at her for things she has no control over, such as problems at work or stress in his daily life.
Resentment can take the form of insecurity, and when a man feels that way, he will look to his wife for blame. Suddenly, she is the reason every little thing that goes wrong in his life is happening. It’s easier to blame her for his internal struggles when he feels discontent with his marriage.
3. They focus more on their hobbies than on their relationship
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When a husband resents his wife, he will stop focusing on maintaining his relationship and delegate more time to his friends and hobbies. Finding more joy outside of the home, he will prioritize fulfilling his happiness.
Stephen Heder, a crisis management coach, believes that men often lean into their hobbies as a way to avoid relationship stress. “By eliminating relationship stress, they gain more energy, focus, and emotional resilience, giving them an edge in all areas of their life,” he says.
4. They avoid clear communication
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Men will often avoid clearly communicating with a wife they resent to prevent unwanted arguments or emotional engagement. When resentment has set in, men will care less about how their wives feel, and will avoid all conversations with them that may be difficult to have.
It’s easier to avoid communication entirely than to have difficult conversations surrounding their resentment. Sometimes, the man will be so checked out that he will not care at all about where he and his wife stand, shutting down all forms of communication he doesn’t want to have. They will also check in less frequently during the day, and texts and calls will become less frequent.
5. They put the relationship on autopilot
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Resentment puts relationships on cruise control. Men will stop putting effort into making their wives feel special or appreciated. He will focus on keeping things business as usual.
He will only do what is expected of him. Gone are kind gestures and dates. Instead, he will do his best to keep things moving without putting in any real effort.
6. They make excuses for their behavior
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When a man becomes disengaged with his wife because he resents her, he will do anything to shift the blame away from himself. He feels emotions that he may not be ready to come to terms with, such as resentment, and he will act out because of it. He will not take responsibility for his behavior. Instead, he will make excuses.
Dr. Becky Whetstone, a couples therapist, found that men use excuses, even during periods of resentment, to protect themselves.
“Justifications and excuses are popular defense mechanisms designed to protect one’s ego,” she wrote. “Most want to think of themselves as good people and be seen that way. So when we do something that would be perceived by many as not good, we try to make it good and okay with justifications and excuses.”
7. They avoid intimacy and affection
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Intimacy and affection can be difficult for men who resent their wives. Bitterness and unhappiness in a relationship can eliminate the emotional and physical connection needed to share intimate moments.
Resentment often leads to a lack of desire, which is key in intimate relationships. If a man resents his wife out of fear of rejection, that can be another motivating force in his disengagement.
8. They make sarcastic remarks
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It’s easier for men who actually resent their wives to put them down, and they will often make sarcastic remarks as a result. These men are seeking an easy way to evoke negative feelings in their wives.
“The relationship between sarcasm and indirect criticism in romantic relationships can be complex. Sarcasm can cause emotional damage to the partner and negatively impact the relationship,” says psychologist Mert Şeker. “However, indirect criticism may offer a safer way to do so emotionally because criticism is delivered more gently and does not trigger a defensive response from the partner.”
9. They are overly critical
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Men who resent their wives will find flaws in everything their wives do and will become overly critical of their every move. This is used as a defense mechanism.
Men are seeking to protect themselves from the feelings of resentment they experience. Becoming overly critical of their partner can create emotional distance and help protect their own vulnerable egos.
10. They are often jealous
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It may seem odd that a man disengaged from his relationship would feel jealous, but there is a reason behind his actions. Feeling a sense of unfairness in their relationship can bring forth feelings of jealousy in their partner's behavior.
It’s not always romantic jealousy. Men who resent their wives often seek control as a means to alleviate their feelings. When a man feels he has lost control over his partner due to resentment, he will often seek to use jealousy to influence her actions and assert his power.
11. They seem irritable
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Resentment can cause complex emotions that some men are unable to process, or let control their lives. When they feel this way, it often manifests as irritability.
Psychiatrists have coined a term for this: Irritable Man Syndrome. This can be caused by various influences in his life, and resentment towards others is one of them. Feeling overwhelmed about the circumstances surrounding their relationship can cause irritability to build up, and their spouse often bears the brunt of it. Wives have shared that when their husbands are irritable, they feel like they are walking on eggshells, which impacts the relationship and can further resentment.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
