Love Shouldn’t Hurt This Much: 10 Signs You’re The Martyr In Your Relationship
If you're always the one sacrificing, it's not love — it's self-neglect.
Alina Matveycheva | Pexels Is martyrdom keeping you from creating a healthy relationship or marriage? Taking an honest look at whether you tend to sabotage your relationships will help you decide if you are behaving like a martyr — and how to break out of this self-harming habit if you are. The basic definition of a martyr is someone who voluntarily suffers for others.
Let's be honest: Martyrs may seem heroic on the surface, but what's the real reward for your martyrdom? If you've noticed, people may ... call you a martyr. Is that worth the potential cost of destroying your relationship? More importantly, is behaving like a martyr worthy of you? If you adopt this style, you may not realize something crucial: You could inadvertently abdicate responsibility for your happiness in relationships.
When you behave like a martyr, you give your power away, including the power to solve your own problems and to learn new ways of responding to your emotions of anger, depression, fear, shame, guilt, or embarrassment. This can make you feel helpless.
Here are 10 signs you’re the martyr in your relationship:
1. Your relationship is disappointing to you
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You are angry and resentful because your relationship is disappointing to you. Often, you think that the main problem rests in your spouse's behavior. In your opinion, your spouse or mate should be doing things differently, and this would solve everything.
Instead of directly communicating their needs, a martyr will act out their frustrations indirectly. A recent study concluded that this can include making sarcastic comments, giving the silent treatment, or complaining to others.
2. You complain to people who cannot make any changes
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Also known as the "help-rejecting complainter" pattern. In this dynamic, a person complains about their perceived suffering not to find a solution, but to fulfill other emotional needs, such as gaining sympathy or validating their victim identity. You may talk to friends, for example, rather than communicating directly with your spouse or mate.
A 2021 study explained that a key motivator for external complaining is the desire for validation and sympathy from others. The martyr seeks to have their pain mirrored by a third party, which reinforces their negative narrative and the belief that they are suffering unfairly.
3. You see yourself as a victim
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You whine, scapegoat, complain, and may even describe yourself or see yourself as a victim. Although you may have endured some bad experiences in your relationship, you fail to own how you create, promote, or allow these outcomes.
A 2017 study concluded that a partner with this complex will frequently neglect their own needs while overextending themselves to help others. These sacrifices are often unnecessary, but the martyr performs them anyway, believing they alone can handle the task correctly.
4. You struggle to take responsibility
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You have a hard time owning your role in the problems that you discuss. Rather than saying, "Next time, I'm going to ___," you stay stuck in what your partner should have done differently. By refusing to take responsibility, the martyr shifts blame, manipulates situations for sympathy, and reinforces a narrative of suffering for the sake of others.
A person with a martyr complex adopts a victim mindset, feeling helpless and trapped by others' demands. One study suggested that by refusing to acknowledge any personal fault, they preserve their image as the blameless, long-suffering party in the relationship.
5. You reject helpful suggestions and solutions
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If someone you complain to offers a suggestion, your first reaction is to reject it. Following this, you might find that you rationalize or justify why you must continue to behave as you are. Accepting a solution would challenge this worldview, so they reject it to maintain their self-perception.
One study suggested that taking a suggested action requires effort and opens up the possibility of failure. Rejecting the solution allows the person to avoid responsibility and stay in their safe, albeit unhappy, comfort zone.
6. You are chronically unhappy
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The problem is chronic — it has endured more than three months. In addition, you see yourself as chronically unhappy in the relationship, and its deeper problems remain unsolved.
The chronic nature of the problems stems from an unhealthy dynamic where one partner demands change and the other avoids it. Experts recommend aiming for a dynamic where both partners share the effort, take accountability, and feel safe expressing their needs without fear of judgment.
7. You foster a martyr narrative
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You begin to see yourself as a storyteller, moving from one negative story to the next. You may even find yourself rehearsing what you'll tell friends and family or a therapist, coach, or preacher, rather than rehearsing strategies to actually correct the problems.
For those with a martyr complex, suffering can feel strangely satisfying, and they may unconsciously seek out opportunities to sacrifice themselves, a 2022 study concluded. Their 'narrative of struggle' serves as a way to gain sympathy and attention, even if their complaints go unheard.
8. You feel angry and resentful
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Underneath your anger and resentment, there may be depression and fear. These feelings tend to surface after the storm of your anger. For some, anger can serve as a defense mechanism that feels more powerful and in control than the primary, more vulnerable emotions like sadness and fear. One 2022 study indicated that a person who feels powerless and depressed can unconsciously use outward anger to feel a temporary sense of control.
9. You come off as self-sufficient, but secretly depend on your partner
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You may appear very capable to others, but you really see yourself as dependent upon your spouse or partner. This leads you to avoid asking for what you want directly, being assertive, getting help, or leaving the relationship.
In what psychologists refer to as a 'martyr-beneficiary' relationship, the partner playing the martyr role assumes an excessive burden of responsibility, often neglecting their own physical and emotional needs. By constantly emphasizing their own suffering and how much they do for others, they seek a sense of worth and validation that they don't feel they can get on their own.
10. You may behave as though you are trapped
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Even when some of your problems may have ready solutions. Trapped people often fluctuate between acting helpless and lashing out. If you engage in any of the above behaviors, you may be partaking in martyr behavior that can insidiously destroy trust, intimacy, and eventually the very fabric of your relationship, in addition to your own sense of integrity. Repeating behaviors often means repeating results, leading you to feel beaten. As journalist George Matthew Adamas says, "Beaten people take beaten paths."
If you want to feel less helpless, stop spinning and circling. Take a deep breath, relax, and realize that digging deeper into a hole is only going to take you deeper into the hole. The sooner you stop digging, the less climbing you'll have to do to get out.
In relationships, learned helplessness can cause a person to become passive and resigned, believing their efforts are futile even when the situation is not truly inescapable. Research has shown that this can cause the person with the trapped mindset to stop trying to solve problems or communicate effectively.
Getting out involves changing your mindset to become more aware of your personal power and changing your skill set, usually in the area of communication and relationship enhancement.
Pamela D. Garcy, Ph.D., is a psychologist, success coach, author, and trainer. She specializes in helping people with anxiety disorders, mood disorders, marital discord, and adjustment disorders.
