It Only Takes 3 Little Changes To Bring The Spark Back To A Relationship That Feels Weirdly Off
When your relationship feels a little off, it doesn't always mean something's broken.
stockfour | Shutterstock Sometimes, a relationship doesn't fall apart — it just drifts. The conversations feel shorter, and something about the connection just feels weirdly off. But that doesn't mean the love is gone. Often, it only takes a few small, intentional changes to bring things back to life. Here are three simple ways to reignite the warmth and spark you've been missing.
It only takes 3 little changes to bring the spark back to a relationship that feels off:
1. Change how you talk
Be aware of the kinds of conversations you tend to have with your partner. Tune in and pay attention to how you talk together most of the time. If you focus exclusively on topics, your marriage can start to feel like something is missing, and it is. If you talk primarily about yourself..., I think you get the picture on that one, and it's not that good.
If a couple enjoys friendship and emotional closeness, they're more likely to engage more readily in relational-focused, "you and me" conversations, which strengthen their relationship. Generally speaking, healthy conversations are varied and include a combination of:
- topics of interest to one or both of you
- revealing personal disclosures
- and relationship messages that are about the two of you together
Renowned American psychologist Dr John Gottman described a couple with a deep friendship as having "mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately — they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.
They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” If you find yourself increasingly avoiding "you and me" talk, it may be time for a relationship checkup.
2. Adjust your conversation topics
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Personally reflect on your reasons for limiting your conversations to topical or personal discussions. Explore how you feel about going beyond that, and what your deepest thoughts are about having "you and me" or "us and we" talks. What have your experiences with it been?
There are four ways to talk with each other:
- You talk mainly about topics outside yourself: "Don't forget to pick up some dog food on your way back."
- You talk about yourself, "I think I'm coming down with something."
- You talk about your partner, "You look tired, why don't you go to bed?"
- You talk about your relationship, "I'm glad you're home early — I really need your support right now."
Which do you think best describes the kind of conversations couples tend to have most of the time? Least? Now, which of the four would you say you engage in most? Least? How you answer depends on the quality of your relationship.
If a couple is not as close as they'd like to be, for example, they may limit their conversation to topical or personal issues rather than venture out into the unsettling waters of "you and me" talk, which, by the way, would improve their relationship. The American Board of Family Medicine explained how couples who can improve their communication skills will also increase harmony and avoid conflicts.
3. Be radically honest about your needs
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Be honest about what you want for yourself and your partner in your marriage. Be careful with this one. Sometimes what is expressed as a want for the other can actually be a thinly veiled want for self: "I would like for you to go see a specialist about the snoring because I don't think I can survive another night!" That's clearly a want for self.
However, "I'm worried about your health, especially your breathing difficulties. I'd be relieved if you went to see a specialist about the snoring" is more about the partner's wellbeing. See the difference? Wants are tricky.
One effective way to explore what you want for yourself and your partner is simply to imagine the marriage relationship you want.
- What would stay the same?
- What would change?
- How would you feel? Your partner?
- How would it change your family life?
I think about all of this around the end of the year, rather than at the beginning of the year, when others are making resolutions for this, that, or the other. The end of the year works well for me because I'm pensive and goal-oriented.
Having specific goals for all of the important relationships in my life helps me to manage myself in these relationships, especially my marriage. Now, these aren't engraved in stone, but rather serve as guidelines in my behavior, helping me in my desires rather than being reactionary.
A relational checkup is really nothing more than your intentional effort to stay positively connected in your relationship. And, one of the things you can do is to attend to how you talk together as a couple.
Researchers found that one way to maintain a connection is through appreciation: "People who are more appreciative of their partners report being more responsive to their partners' needs." This is a powerful and protective strategy for your relationship. Including it in your relationship checkup process can yield big short-term and long-term results.
With the dizzying pace at which many of us live, it doesn't take a lot to get off track with each other from one day to the next. Especially if little things go ignored, undone, or unaddressed. Let your conversations be a barometer to help you gauge what's really going on between you, and listen up!
If you take some time to seriously ponder these questions, you'll be surprised at where it takes you. Go ahead, give it a try.
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