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It's never too late to reinvigorate your marriage.
By Gottman Institute
Last updated on Jan 24, 2024
It’s easy to fall into a rut and imagine that your partner doesn’t care, even if they still do. But successful couples create a culture of goodwill in their relationship and purposefully strive to see each other through rose-colored glasses.
What does positivity in a relationship actually look like? There are three keys to a successful marriage that is filled with love and happiness.
Here are 3 tiny things both partners do that make a marriage successful.
1. They start their sentences with 'I love it when...'
Try starting your sentences (even complaints) with “I love it when...” For instance, instead of, “Why haven’t we gone on a date recently?” try, "I love it when we go out together. Remember when we went to that restaurant that night? I had so much fun. Let’s do that again!”
Couples who approach a conversation with open dialogue, instead of accusations and blame, have happier relationships. It fosters good communication and brings them closer together in the long run.
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2. They write down what they appreciate about one another
Make a list of all the small things you notice your partner do or say. Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to catch their partner doing something right.
Start in the morning and continue through the evening as if you’re tracking their good habits. For instance: made coffee, poured my cereal, called me in the afternoon, paid the bill after I forgot.
An awareness of these small moments builds a habit of mind of seeing your partner in a positive way. When it is time to voice your appreciation, it will be easier to recall one moment out of many.
Of course, they may also be negative moments, but try to actively engage your mind in remembering the good ones. Reminiscing about the positive moments creates a close bond.
3. They build up their partner
Find moments to tell your partner about how amazing and brave a certain behavior has been.
For example: If they collected old clothing for donation, you can say, “Babe, you’re so thoughtful and giving — not just to this family!” or, “Thanks for coming out shopping with me on Wednesday, even though it was boring for you. I’m glad you came.”
Your attitude is your responsibility. You have the opportunity to adjust the narrative you want to tell yourself about the relationship. This narrative is important because it affects the intensity of your arguments and, ultimately, your long-term success as a couple.
After doing these exercises, it becomes easier to state your complaint or positive need, because you have a perspective of your partner that may be more akin to the perspective they hold of themselves.
For instance, when you are in the positive perspective, you are more inclined to recall that you are asking someone for whom you’ve built up regard and love. Within the context of appreciating your partner’s efforts all day, it feels easier to approach your best friend with your needs from a place of warmth and affection.
If you were not paying attention to your partner’s actions all day, your request might gloss over their good behavior. Your partner may think you haven’t noticed their efforts at being caring and attentive.
Unknowingly, you create a culture of negativity. This often manifests itself in feelings of loneliness, powerlessness, and eventually one or both partners distancing themselves from each other.
When your feelings are predominantly negative, every action, bid for attention, joke, or mistake can be interpreted through this new negative lens, even if it is not intended that way. If you find yourself constantly questioning your partner’s intentions, you may be experiencing the result of weeks or months of being in the negative perspective.
Dr. Gottman suggests that it’s never too late to reinvigorate your marriage with positive feelings for one another! This requires a deliberate effort to think about your partner in a more favorable light.
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Sound like a lot to keep in mind? Maybe at first, but remember that the Gottman motto is “small things often” — this includes noticing the small things and appreciating them. And when you take these three tiny things both partners do that make a marriage successful and use it to your advantage, you will never have to worry about being apart.
To build a culture of good feelings in your home and in your marriage, you have to start taking responsibility for your mindset. Where the mind goes, words and actions will follow.
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Sanaa Hyder is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, writer, and adjunct professor. She gives talks on relationships and dating, and is co-host of the InDialogue podcast.
This article was originally published at The Gottman Institute. Reprinted with permission from the author.