5 Issues Deeply Unhappy Couples Bring Up On A Regular Basis In My Office, Explains Therapist
In therapy sessions, the same painful themes tend to resurface when a couple is unhappy.
Léo Gilmant | Pexels As a relationship therapist who counsels singles and couples, I have been privy to the fears, compulsions, secrets, and desires of couples hoping to figure out what it takes to find and sustain love. No matter their age, history, or financial status, the questions patients ask and the wishes they drop in my lap are similar.
Their concerns likely echo yours. Knowing you are not alone in harboring these feelings can be a salve, a step toward healing. So I am opening my office door to reveal therapist confessions and the five most common problems unhappy-in-love patients bring up on my couch.
Here are the five issues deeply unhappy couples bring up regularly in my office:
1. 'I have to hide who I really am'
Beneath the bravado and anger a patient exudes when bemoaning that no one (this can include a current partner) seems truly capable of giving love, often lies a bone-deep: Something in me is inherently unworthy. This fear causes people to hide their true selves, and as shown by a 2010 study, can impact the health of the relationship and well-being of the individuals in it.
*Janet B., a 34-year-old divorcee, admitted, "Bill was an open book. But I held back so much, an abortion I'd had as a teen, and guilty thoughts I had about co-workers who got bigger raises than me. I didn't want my husband to think I was a bad person." She laughed ruefully as I pointed out, "Instead, your withholding made you become strangers."
Therapist tip: Obviously, the seeds of low self-esteem are rooted in one's psyche, thus difficult to root out with a 1-2-3 abracadabra trick. But it is helpful in moments when you feel, "Oh, I can't say that to him. I'll sound too awful," to tell yourself, "Everyone has mean thoughts. No one is perfect. Would I rather pretend to be perfect or try to be real and make a genuine connection?"
2. 'My partner doesn't understand or care about how I feel'
Look Studio via Shutterstock
Here is the ultimate irony of relationships: In an era where thousands of friends are available at a click, we long for a soul mate who will truly get us, thus assuaging our sense of isolation. Yet 60% of the patients I counsel complain of feeling more alone in their double bed than when they slept solo.
Especially in long-term partnerships, there is a danger of becoming emotionally estranged as the couple stops believing their partner sees their side. Research in Personality and Social Psychology suggested how this dynamic is often rooted in a fear of being single and settling for less in a relationship.
*Kate M., 40, said in a therapy session with her husband of three years, "Don just doesn't get that I need to hear the words 'I love you' more than twice a year or I don't feel cared about." Her spouse rebutted in a resigned tone, "And she doesn't get that it hurts me that she thinks I don't love her."
Therapist tip: Couples may watch their spouse's lips move, but the words often land like lyrics to a long-recorded-to-memory soundtrack, so much verbal wallpaper. Here's a terrific exercise to help partners reboot their listening and comprehension skills: Take turns talking. When in listening mode, pay attention as if you are going to be graded on the answer. Repeat the gist of what they said. When they finally say, "Yes, that's right!" it is your turn to talk, be listened to, and correct false assumptions until you feel truly heard.
Once Don understood that Kate felt her father never really loved her, he didn't take her need to hear those words as an accusation that he wasn't loving enough toward her. And once Kate truly saw that her spouse had been raised by parents who took emotional displays as a sign of weakness, she realized the high cost to her mate of being verbally effusive.
3. 'My walls have walls'
Even when they're alone (for some, especially when they're alone), many patients report still feeling garbed in a clunky, painful, albeit invisible suit of armor.
*Tara P., 39 and living with her fiancé, admitted, "Whenever I'm in a relationship, I put the guy through a series of 'tests' to prove his loyalty to me. If Dan doesn't remember I had an important business meeting today, it proves he doesn't really love me. If Dan does remember it only means he made a point to ask me how it went because he was afraid I'd have a fit if he didn't. With a test this rigged, a losing score is inevitable for both parties.
Therapist tip: During therapy, once layer upon layer of defenses is slowly, carefully peeled back, what is typically left is a child petrified of being abandoned. That is the scary place you go to when you make yourself vulnerable to another person. Thus, the emotional cover-up.
True, it's wise to protect yourself with people until they prove worthy of your trust. But, once someone has proved over and over that they are on your side, before putting them through yet another exam, take a breath and ask yourself, 'In this situation, is there a valid reason for mistrust, or is my inner child running the show?'
4. 'Even when we're in a good place, I'm afraid I'll mess it all up'
fast-stock via Shutterstock
Patient after patient has sat across from me and confessed that while she has fairly good self-esteem and believes herself capable of love, there is a secret fear of ultimately doing something to mess things up. A fear of intimacy, as explored in a 2021 study, often stems from a fear of repeating the mistakes of divorced parents.
*Sharon M., a 42-year-old single mother, confessed, "In my work life, I'm Pollyanna. I'm secure that things will work out the way I want. Yet, perhaps because I followed in my parents' footsteps and had a messy divorce, I feel romantically jinxed." She added with a semi-laugh, "Of course, with that kind of belief, I create a self-fulfilling prophecy."
Therapist tip: Sharon is correct: Her (your?) doomsday mindset is in large part responsible for a lack of success in the love department. Instead of automatically giving free rein to that belief, stop recycling the 'poor me' card and start repeating a new mantra: "I'm sick of being a victim. It's in my power to sustain a great relationship."
That objective becomes easier to achieve by looking for positive romantic role models to emulate, like couples who have been together 10 years or more and are happy to share their secrets.
5. 'I love my partner. Why am I still unhappy?'
This wistful lament is familiar to anyone who has hoped that finding love can heal an inner emptiness. But the job description of a partner is to add to your life, not make your life fulfilling.
*Jenna E., 29 and single, has a history of serial monogamy. She landed in my office to work out mixed feelings about her current boyfriend. "Things seemed wonderful at first. I get such a high from being in love. But then I start not feeling as close, and the person starts seeming like part of my problem." She concluded, "I don't want to leave Eric because that's what I always do. He's a good guy, but things feel flat."
Therapist tip: Again, no easy fix, but the solution is to realize happiness is an inside job. The more you look for external sources to feed you, the hungrier you will be. A partner can't just be a temporary distraction from loneliness. Focus on things you love about yourself, activities that feel good, and, most importantly, on being able to feel good when alone. It takes work, true, but there's a big payoff!
* Names changed
Sherry Amatenstein is a therapist and author of "The Q&A Dating Book, Love Lessons from Bad Breakups," and "The Complete Marriage Counselor.
