Photo: Pietra Schwarzler on Unsplash
According to a relationship expert.
By Clayton Olson — Written on Oct 07, 2022
We all know the story of how relationships begin. You see a guy in a bar. Or in the library. Or at the grocery store. Your eyes meet. Your heart races. He smiles. You smile.
You go out and have a nice time. You go on a second date. He says he’ll call, and he actually does — and he doesn’t even wait three days to do it! After you see each other a few more times, you start to think this could be the beginning of something great. Something real. And suddenly ... end scene.
He stops calling. He ignores your texts. He disappears from the face of the Earth. You begin to wonder if you’ll find his sweet face on a milk carton. Or, he does return your texts, but he tops initiating them on his own and grows more and more distant without explanation.
Either way, you’re left scratching your head and wondering what the heck happened. The good news is you’re not alone.
The disappearing man is a common problem for women in today's world, leaving a trail of women behind them with wounded self-esteem and heavily beaten-down confidence. Ghosting makes the end of a relationship far more difficult than it might have been than to simply tell you the motivation for his departure.
Usually, his silence at the end of a relationship is the result of one of these three things:
- He is unable to articulate why he's just not feeling it.
- He wants to spare you hurt feelings.
- Harsh as it sounds, he doesn’t care enough about the relationship to take the time to explain himself.
Because he won’t say why he ghosted, you're left in the difficult position of trying to guess. Often, this results in you repeating the same self-defeating patterns, because how can you learn from something no one can ever explain to you?
One of the main reasons a man pulls away is something that women tend to do, known as 'Filling the Space'.
This is how it works: When two people meet, there is a space between the two of them and they each take turns stepping into this space. They may step into it with their words, their presence or their actions. If the woman is the predominant space-filler, the dynamic loses its balance.
The guy gets turned off and he doesn’t even know why, exactly. But, there is a reason behind this mystery.
If you’re the predominant space-filler in the relationship, you are likely a leader or initiator in the dating dynamic. There's nothing wrong with this! The world needs strong women. However, when it comes to dating — particularly in the early stages of dating — this imbalance can claw at the man, at least in his mind.
A man who doesn’t feel there's any room for him to be masculine or the one to take initiative will dislike this dynamic. He will reluctantly take a backseat and, ultimately, resign and pull away from the relationship.
It’s not that he has to be in control all of the time, but (here's that word again) there needs to be: balance. When you are the one in charge at all times, he begins to feel inferior. All people by nature shy away from things that make them feel less than.
The five mistakes women make that push men away:
1. Texting more frequently than him
Do you initiate things more often? If your texts are double the number of his, your balance may be shaky.
2. Sending him long texts while his replies are brief and boring
Are his texts short and curt — like the ever eloquent, “K” — while yours are well thought out soliloquies that rival Shakespeare? Stop sending him paragraphs.
3. Trying to grab his attention using physical intimacy
Overt sexuality at the beginning of a relationship, especially before you've had a chance to get to know his preferences, character and more about him as a person, can be a turn-off, despite what we’ve learned from every movie ever.
When you throw yourself at a guy you basically don’t know anything about, you risk losing his trust. You also communicate to him that you’re not worthy of "the chase." (Unfortunately, this is a real thing for men, at least a little.)
4. Doing too much of the talking
Does silence make you uncomfortable? Do you often have something to say or feel the need to comment on everything that comes up?
It’s fantastic to be a vibrant and animate woman who brings some conversation to a relationship (otherwise, it’s just physical intimacy and staring blankly at the wall), but if you find yourself interjecting into silences just because you're uncomfortable, your words become a barrier to intimacy rather than a facilitator of it.
5. Asking so many questions that you come across as a police interrogator
Are your questions in regards to the nature of your relationship constantly related to where it’s going, and what he’s thinking about — in an almost accusatory tone? Questions like these at the onset of a relationship can come across as desperate and controlling.
This isn’t to say that you can’t or shouldn't discuss what you’re each looking for, but make sure the discussion is reciprocal, rather than making him feel as though you're shining a light in his face as he sits in a cold, dark confined space. In other words: read the room.
Messing with the natural dynamic of a relationship paints you as someone who's insecure.
Even if this perception is unfair and undeserved, it still comes across that way. It tells the man that you’re not actually into HIM. Rather, you’re into the idea of the title, the safety, the status of the union.
Communication in a relationship is important (duh, says everyone everywhere), but the above kind has a time and place and it is best reserved for later — once you’ve gotten to know each other, to like each other, and to respect each other.
After that, there's nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who truly sees him, sees his contributions to the relationship, and has the courage to take initiative and speak with him openly and honestly. The moral of the story is simple: cultivating relationships takes patience the ability to let him lead.
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Clayton Olson is an international relationship coach, author, and speaker. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops for both women and men.