So You Hate Your Partner’s Friends — Here Are 6 Things To Do About It Without Starting Drama
Disliking your partner's friends doesn't have to turn into a full-blown relationship crisis.
William Priess | Unsplash So, you’ve found a person you really like, it’s going well, you’re falling fast, and things are sweet. They’re your perfect fit, and you wouldn’t change a thing. Except for just one thing: their friends. Meeting your partner’s friends was a big step, and you know it meant a lot to them, but you guys just don’t vibe. They’re rude, obnoxious, loud, or just plain awkward.
You’ve given it your best shot, but, honestly, you could happily live your whole life without ever seeing them again. This problem is actually a lot more common than you think. According to polls, 1 in 4 women do not like their partner’s friends, so you’re not alone.
This issue is a tricky one. You don’t want to force yourself into a fake friendship with your partner’s besties, you don’t want to be the person who pulls your partner away from their loved ones, and you definitely don’t want to lose the person you’re dating just because of a couple of issues with their pals. So, how do you cope with this?
So you hate your partner’s friends — here are 6 things to do about it without starting drama:
1. Get to the root of why you dislike them
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Did they do something to offend you? Is your partner totally different when they’re around? Do they get in the middle of your relationship? Pinpointing exactly what’s bothering you will help you solve the problem calmly and rationally.
It’s important to distinguish if your reasons for disliking them are because of something they’ve done, or if it’s more to do with your relationship. Either way, your feelings are valid, but you don’t want to be misdirecting your anger towards your friends when the solution could be within yourself.
2. Find common ground
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Maybe you just got a really bad first impression (or maybe you got several bad impressions), but it never hurts to give someone a fair chance. Really listen and get to know them so you can discover some kind of commonalities or shared interests. You might have gotten off to a rocky start, but that doesn’t mean you can’t at least be civil with one another. We all have our off days, and if they care for your partner, they should care for you, too, and vice versa.
Studies demonstrate that shared experiences and values are key to developing a strong emotional bond that sustains relationships through challenging times. When you focus on what you have in common during a conflict, you can develop empathy for each other and feel more at ease with someone who doesn't initially agree with you
3. Be honest with your partner
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This is where things can get a little complicated. You can survive some tension with a couple of your partner’s friends, but tension in your relationship is a little less bearable. Even though you’re trying to keep it to yourself with some Oscar-worthy performances when their friends are around, your partner is going to notice eventually.
It’s best for you to just fess up and gently tell him the truth. Share with them what exactly is bugging you. If you think the friends are a bad influence or you don’t like how your partner prioritizes them over you, address it openly and honestly.
4. Set boundaries
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Compromise is key in any conflict resolution. Often, it helps to just limit your exposure to people you don’t like rather than cutting them out completely. Yes, when it comes to your partner’s birthday or maybe even your wedding, you will inevitably have to see their friends, but you don’t have to attend every game day or bar hangout.
If you need you need to designate a particular date night or alone time, go ahead. But you have to give each other some space, too. Spending time apart is actually really healthy for your relationship, so make sure you’re both making time for your friends and for each other.
When it comes to managing exposure to difficult people, compromise can help maintain balance in a relationship. The benefits of spending time apart are well-documented: relationship experts suggest a 70/30 guideline where couples spend 70% of their time together and 30% apart, allowing each person to continue hobbies and enjoy interests with other people.
5. Don’t give ultimatums
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Resist the urge to make your partner choose between you and their friends at all costs. No matter how unbearable it is to have these friends in your life, the last thing you want to do is be controlling. Your partner could end up losing all their friends — or worse, you could end up losing them.
Ultimatums are often seen as a manipulative tactic driven by desperation, which can lead to a partner feeling controlled. Instead of ultimatums, research recommends setting clear and healthy boundaries, and openly discussing concerns about a partner's friends, is more likely to be productive.
It’s important to respect your partner’s choice in friends. The friendship may not make sense to you, but it obviously serves your partner in some way and is meaningful for them.
6. Keep things civil
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There’s no need to start any unnecessary drama in your relationship or with these friends, so try to at least be polite and diplomatic. How dull would the world be if we were all the same? Acknowledge your differences and move on. You might never be the best of friends, but you also don’t need to make any enemies.
It's hard to be difficult with someone respectful and in control, one study explained. The art of diplomatic communication involves being sensitive to others' opinions, beliefs, and feelings, responding in ways that avoid bad feelings or awkwardness while still asserting your own idea
For your partner’s sake, keep trying. If you think they are truly toxic, then all you can do is try to make your partner see things from your perspective. But if they don’t, then maybe you deserve better anyway.
Alice Kelly is a writer with a passion for lifestyle, entertainment, and trending topics.
