5 Small Habits That Keep Couples Together During Hard Times, According To Psychology
Building something that lasts takes real work, but it doesn't always have to be hard.
bluecinema | Canva There are plenty of couples who are negative and sarcastic in their communication. For some people, this might work, but for most, it is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. Fortunately, there are a few small habits that can prevent negativity and keep couples together, even when times get tough.
Couples that struggle often put up walls to protect themselves and create distance to drive them farther away from a happy marriage. In contrast, successful couples develop the ability to prioritize positive communication with each other. In fact, a cross-cultural study of marital satisfaction found that, among American couples', marital happiness is strongly tied to healthy marital communication behaviors.
Here are 5 small habits that keep couples together during hard times, according to psychology:
1. They're open and honest
Each spouse speaks the truth from a place of love. There is no fear of speaking to one’s spouse about one’s thoughts and feelings.
It is not about getting your way about everything, or winning the argument every time, or being “right” all the time. It is about expressing honestly how you feel or what you think about a situation.
It is not about saying “I don’t care or I don’t know.” Instead, speak using “I” statements: “I think or I feel or it is my thought that...”
Remember, your thoughts are yours, and your opinions are yours. They don’t have to be the same as your spouse’s, and they do not have to have the same thoughts and opinions you have.
One is not “right” and one wrong; they are just different. And it's OK to agree to disagree about certain things at times. However, there may be times when each spouse must compromise some of their thoughts and opinions to move closer to each other and make important decisions.
Neither you nor your spouse should be scared to express your opinions and work together on a compromise.
2. They start with empathy
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Couples who have healthy relationships can express empathy toward one another in their communication. They realize that to have a positive interaction, they need to understand what it is like to “walk in each other’s shoes.”
It is important for couples to be able to express that they “get” what the other person is feeling or thinking even if they do not feel or think the same way. To express that “I would probably think or feel the same way if I had experienced that same situation or issue in my life.”
Even if one of you has a different idea about the situation or doesn't see it as a problem, it's important to understand why your partner thinks and feels that way.
In positive communication, couples spend time talking about how each person sees a particular situation, and each attempts to understand what it would be like to feel what the other feels.
3. They speak from the heart
Positive communication in a relationship means that each person feels a deep, heartfelt connection with the other person. It means that each spouse will think — and possibly say out loud — “I love you, and because I love you, I care about what you think and feel.”
It is extremely important to let your spouse know that you are interested in what they're thinking and feeling and that you want to hear it.
But it isn’t enough to just say it. You have to follow through.
You must pay attention to what your spouse is saying and really take it to heart and work at understanding it.
4. They never use sarcasm in hurtful ways
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Sometimes people use words that hurt and are sarcastic to cause the other person to feel defeated and to get their way. This is not playful banter that couples often engage in when having fun together. This communication is meant to discourage and do harm.
Healthy communication means you both avoid using words that sting and sarcastic remarks that are meant to hurt.
Positive communication allows you to be honest. It also allows each person to center on their thoughts and feelings about an issue without putting the other person “in their place!”
5. They really, truly listen
Each person must pay close attention to what the other has to say, which means that each person looks at the other and is not distracted by other things such as computers, phones, television shows, and children.
If you are having a difficult time staying tuned into your spouse while they're talking, maybe you need to ask if you can pick up the discussion at a better time when you are less distracted. Or, maybe you need to ask your spouse for clarification about what is being discussed.
One way to do that is to say what you think your spouse has been saying, and then ask if you are tracking with the conversation. Always maintain focus, do not interrupt, and if you are interrupted, be aware that interruptions carry different meanings, as shown by a study in Personal Relationships that showed a difference between agreement interruptions and disagreement interruptions.
It is also important for the one who is speaking to be aware of the other’s ability to stay tuned into the conversation. This can be accomplished by not going on and on without stopping to ask if your spouse is tracking or needs a break.
Drs. Debbie and David McFadden are relationship and life coaches with master's degrees in education and social work. They specialize in helping struggling and distressed couples improve their relationships.
