8 Habits Of Couples With Seriously Good Relationship Intelligence
Alexandru Boicu | Unsplash We came across a message board on the internet titled "What Clever Relationship Hacks Have You Come Up With?", we couldn't help but be grateful that we learned some relationship advice in the process of passing the afternoon hours.
To clarify, by "relationship hacks," they mean clever or unconventional ways to maintain healthy romantic relationships. Since the forum received so much feedback, we've narrowed down eight of the funniest and presumably wisest pieces of relationship advice from real-life couples from around the web.
Here are 8 habits of couples with seriously good relationship intelligence:
1. They play the "5-3-1" game to solve indecisiveness
One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-dah! No more, "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?" Q and A.
Research on joint decision-making found that there's often a mismatch between what people say and what the other person wants to hear. Having a simple system that gives both partners input without the endless back-and-forth takes the friction out of low-stakes choices.
2. They split kitchen duties so the person who cooks doesn't do the dishes
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It's only fair! One of the biggest predictors of satisfaction is a feeling of fairness in relationships, and nothing kills that faster than one person doing all the work, according to one study. When men perceived their contributions to the division of labor as fair, both partners were more satisfied.
3. They make sure to have a separate room with a door that shuts, and maybe even locks
You can use this room for napping, reading, listening to music, wrapping presents, having private phone conversations, or even sulking. Research suggests that having autonomy in a relationship, when balanced with connection, predicts greater relationship satisfaction. Quality time alone can produce quality time with you, so having a space to recharge isn't selfish; it's smart.
4. They thank each other
It's not necessary to get effusive when someone takes out the garbage, but it's nice to show and be shown appreciation for even the most everyday obligations. People who feel appreciated by their partners have better-functioning relationships that are more resilient to stress, research has found. Expressions of gratitude have been linked to lowered perceptions of unfairness in household labor, so that quick "thanks for taking out the trash" actually does more than you think.
5. They don't tell their partner they're wrong about insignificant things
For instance, if your guy says that Steven Spielberg directed Star Wars, laugh a little on the inside, but don't tease him for not knowing it was George Lucas. And for the love of God, do not correct each other's grammar in public.
Constant criticism is a major predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman, and nitpicking over small things falls squarely in that category. Research says that chronic criticism makes a partner more distant (because they feel like they're walking on eggshells), so let the Star Wars director thing slide.
6. They let the minor things go
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One couple suggested that you play "FailDance" where the wrong person has to perform a song-and-dance routine after apologizing. In doing so, you replace the resentment and "I told you so's" with a silly moment the two of you can share.
Relationships require a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions if they are to survive, so piling on after an apology just tips that balance in the wrong direction, research has concluded. Turning the moment into something silly instead of punishing creates a connection rather than resentment.
7. They think before they speak
Whenever a difficult conversation keeps you from phrasing your thoughts coherently, ask your partner to give you a moment instead of trying to fill the silence in the air with whatever it is you have to say. Saying the wrong thing is much worse than an awkward break in the conversation.
That pause can prompt reflection: Do I really want to blurt out the first thing I'm thinking, or take a minute to consider its potential consequences? Experts suggest that taking a pause will help you to be more thoughtful in your words and to foster a better connection with the person you're talking to.
8. They play the 'He's not a jerk' game
Whenever you feel angry at each other, imagine that you're a novelist (or a movie writer) assigned to write a story in which the jerk is the protagonist.
That way, you'll have to rethink things from your partner's point of view and make them sympathetic to readers and viewers. Oh, look at that, now you're seeing your partner's point of view better, too. What a great game.
Denise Ngo is a freelance web writer/editor who specializes in pop culture, fashion, science, faith, and relationships.
