If You’ve Ever Gone Back To An Ex, These 8 Reasons Will Make You Feel Better About It
Everyone says going back to an ex is a bad idea, but in reality that's not always true.
Teodora Popa Photographer | Unsplash On-again, off-again relationships get a bad rap — and honestly, it's not hard to see why. Psychologists call this relationship "cycling," and studies show that couples who break up and get back together are more likely to repeat that pattern long-term. So when your best friend rolls her eyes or your mom reminds you how sad you were last time, it's usually coming from love — just wrapped in frustration. Everyone wants to protect you from being hurt again.
But if you've ever gone back to an ex, you already know it's not that simple. Sometimes timing, maturity, and perspective change everything. My fiancé (yes, fiancé! happy ending alert) and I had a messy three-year on-again, off-again thing before we finally got it right. We dated and broke up more times than Carrie and Big, but when our lives finally lined up, it just worked. Now, we have one of the most open, honest, and fun relationships I could imagine. So if you've ever circled back to someone and wondered if you made a mistake, here are eight reasons why you might actually have done the right thing.
If you've ever gone back to an ex, these 8 reasons will make you feel better about it:
1. You're not starting from scratch
Getting back together with your ex is so much better than starting a new relationship. You still have all the butterflies and sparkly feelings that you get from all the firsts with someone new, because it's the first in a while, and it's even more anticipated because you know how good it is. Plus, all the awkwardness is gone, and you're starting with a foundation of experience together.
Some studies show that partners who get back together can have an increased appreciation for each other after being apart. However, it is important to note that repeatedly breaking up and getting back together is linked to higher levels of depression, anxiety, and conflict.
2. You've already seen each other's worst — and survived it
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Breakups suck. Usually, your perception of your ex changes after a breakup, and most often negatively. Because let's be real, someone's probably going to be a little crazy or a little rude, and everyone is more likely to say something harsh in the heat of the moment.
When you and your ex are willing and excited to take each other back after going through a breakup, that's a pretty good sign that you'll get through every misunderstanding and drunken fight.
3. You're willing to stand up for each other
When you take someone back who's hurt you before, you're going to have a lot of explaining to do. Your friends and family care about you -- they only want to protect you. But when they're questioning you, it can get rough and feel like you're being attacked. Trying again shows you're willing to defend your significant other and align yourself most closely with them.
Choosing to work through issues and defend the relationship shows a higher level of commitment than a relationship where partners give up at the first sign of conflict, one study argued. If you've both grown, addressed past issues, and are now more united, the relationship could have a stronger foundation.
4. You've become more realistic about love
You've seen your relationship be derailed by practicalities before, so you don't underestimate the power of them. You know how important it is to be on the same page and to make decisions together.
A few tough breakups with my now-fiancé taught me to pair conscious actions and choices with my romantic tendencies. Love can't fix everything — you have to commit to working together.
5. You didn't ruin your shot when life got in the way
Sometimes it's going to be really hard to make a relationship work. If you're in totally different places, either physically or in what you want out of life, the relationship is going to be fraught with hardship.
Looking back, I'm so grateful my fiancé and I didn't struggle uselessly to date at times when it would have been a complete mess. Maybe if we had tried forcing it too early on, we could have ended up never wanting to speak again. Instead, when the stars aligned, we still loved each other.
6. You've learned how to have the hard talks
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Not all relationships carry heartbreak in the same way. A lot of people would think that's a heavy burden for a relationship, but I think it makes you better prepared to have hard conversations. Your heart has been hurt before, thus you're not willing to ignore your worries or brush difficult decisions under the rug.
Successfully rekindling a relationship requires courageous communication about what went wrong, what is needed now, and any future fears. Research has concluded that the goal is to rebuild trust by creating a new dynamic that reflects who you are now, rather than trying to recreate the past.
7. When you commit now, you mean it
You both know you can't mess around with each other's lives or feelings because there's already been so much history. When you get back together, for real this time, you mean it. And though one or both of you may be wary for a little bit, you both understand how important commitment is, so you act to diminish doubts and increase security every day.
A more successful reconciliation requires both partners to address the issues that led to the breakup and consciously work to build a healthier relationship. A foundation of mutual respect is crucial for any healthy, lasting relationship, research argues.
8. You're drawn back for a reason
A lot of the people I dated/was obsessed with were horrible mistakes I knew I would never date again. But after every single breakup with my fiancé, I was most upset because I knew he was the one for me — my very own Big (before the movies, obviously). We kept finding (or fighting) our way back to each other because we knew our relationship was special. And that's something you should never give up on.
Experts recommend rebuilding the relationship gradually. Don't rush into things and ensure both partners are comfortable and on the same page before moving forward.
Alice McAlexander is an experienced writer, editor, and consultant who previously worked at Alice McAlex.
