Going Through A Breakup Sucks So Bad, But These 12 Things Make It Hurt So Much Less
Elitsa Deykova | Canva There's no getting around it: breakups suck. But on the bright side, they also offer a clear choice in that you can either cry, drunk text, and beg them to come back... or you can stand tall and handle it like the strong, in-control, grown woman you are. Guess which future you will be most proud of?
There isn't a definitive list of what to do after a breakup and what not to do, so we've created one for you. You're welcome. To take the best care possible of your freshly broken heart, it’s important to give yourself time to mourn the end of your relationship. You owe it to yourself to let out your anger, heartbreak, and sadness in any way you want (as long as you don't hurt anyone, including yourself).
“Breakups are sad. Sometimes you’re left with anger. But let yourself have your feelings — all of them. They’re part of grief," suggests psychotherapist Sandra E. Cohen, Ph.D. "If you can, don’t move on too quickly, even if it seems unbearable to be alone.” Along with making sure you feel your emotions, this can also mean throwing out your ex’s stuff, creating a playlist of sad songs, cutting off contact, and surrounding yourself with your friends or family members who support you.
Going through a breakup sucks so bad, but these twelve things make it hurt much less:
1. Cut off all contact
You don't have to cut them out or go silent forever, but if the romantic relationship is really over, let it be over. You're going to need to rebalance and re-enter your own life as a single person.
Besides, let's be realistic: unless two people sit down and both agree they want out of a romantic relationship, someone is likely hurt and longing for more. Asking them to hop into the friend zone immediately (or expecting this of yourself) is really unfair. It could also create scenarios that make a real friendship impossible down the line.
2. Allow yourself to grieve
The idea that being vulnerable and emotional are signs of weakness is a fallacy. The truth is that the loss of someone you love (and the future you had envisioned with them) is really hard. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment and move through it at a reasonable pace that feels right to you.
While you don't want to get stuck in a depressive state, pushing yourself to "get over it" won't do you any favors either. Adds Cohen, “Give yourself some time. Time is essential to healing. It is also important to think about things that were right or wrong about this relationship. When you’re clear and really ready, open yourself up again.”
3. Cry if you need to
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Breakups are stressful, and research has shown that emotional tears carry stress hormones in them. Toss on Adele for a night and get it all out. Better to let them pour than to have them seeping out of you at awkward, random times (at your desk, at the grocery store, on the subway, on your first post-breakup date). Crying is a part of the healing process. It's okay to feel sad.
4. Take off the rose-colored glasses
Yes, there were "good times," or you likely wouldn't have been in the relationship. But if your ex is selfish, immature, emotionally inept, or a great person who just wasn't a good long-term fit, forgetting that isn't going to work to your benefit in the long run.
5. Remember that it's not about winning
Not in terms of getting them back or making them sad. It's about being the best you in your best life because you deserve that. Wish them well and remember they are no longer a part of the equation.
6. Focus on what you learned, not what you lost
We all have wisdom to share, and even the relationships that don't last forever are meaningful. Focus on how you've grown, what you've learned, and what you're grateful for.
7. Lean on your friends
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You may not want to go to the club and pop bottles, but you can certainly have them over, open a bottle of wine, and watch a comedy, which will remind you that you do still have love and laughter in your life.
Even consider traveling with your friends rather than taking a solo trip. Take weekend trips with the girls, spend time laughing, and give yourself a chance to feel good with the people you trust most.
8. Remember that someone not wanting to be with you doesn't make them a bad person (and vice versa)
Don't be angry at someone for simply not wanting to continue the relationship. We all have a right to leave something that isn't right for us. Relationships don't always last, and no one should feel as though they need to convince someone to stay committed.
9. Give yourself a little tender loving care
Once, during a breakup (breakdown), I texted my good friend, who suggested that I spend a large chunk of time focusing my energy on pampering and loving myself. It sounds silly, but getting a manicure, giving myself a facial, and popping in for a massage during my free time really did make me feel better.
Relationship coach Deborah Roth explains, “If there was ever a time for radical self-care, it’s after a breakup. Engage in some serious body love — luxuriate in a bubble bath or get a fabulous mani-pedi.”
10. Do something to enhance the lives of those around you
It can be tempting to fall into the rabbit hole and wallow in self-pity, but now is the perfect time to give.
Volunteer for the less fortunate, offer to watch your neighbor's newborn while she takes a much-needed nap, or simply send thank-you notes to the people in your life who always have your back.
11. Be grateful for everything else in your life
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When you wake up, stop your thoughts in their tracks and turn the "How will I live without them?" thoughts into "I'm grateful for the life I achieved without them" thoughts. Then, say at least five things you're grateful for, such as your best friend or family members. You'll feel better, guaranteed.
12. Remember that these feelings are temporary
You may not believe it, but you will get through this. This isn't your first heartbreak, and I'm sorry to say that it may not be your last. We all go through highs and lows in life, and if he or she were really your "great love," they wouldn't be able to walk away.
Brenda Della Casa is a self-development expert, writer, author, and speaker. Her articles and advice have been featured in Allure, Glamour, Men's Health, Huff Post, Cosmopolitan, and others.
