Instead Of Trying To Get Rid Of Jealousy, Try Leaning Into It With These 5 Questions
There's no room for self-deception in relationships, including with yourself.
nortonrsx | Canva Imagine a playground full of kids. On the surface, they are having fun, but their play is also social and emotional work, laying the foundation relationships in adulthood. If they aren't guided and supported along the way, some of these social-emotional skills can be lost. Some of us are feeling the effects of this right now, plagued by jealousy, attempts at controlling others or withdrawing from relationships.
For too many adults, every nod of approval or disapproval and each gesture of inclusion or rejection from childhood has left a mark as a kind of "survival code." Denial, rationalization, projection, emotional reasoning and other forms of self-deception unconsciously become our coping mechanisms.
While there's still much debate about where romantic jealousy comes from, we know that insecurity certainly makes it worse. So it's time to look squarely at our jealousy so we can learn its source and finally stop feeling controlled by it.
Instead of trying to get rid of jealousy, lean into it with these six questions
1. What parts of you are so true, they come from the core of who you are?
While everything else around you may change on a dime, what is authentic and true is immutable. If you’re going to rely on anything to get you through life, shouldn’t it be that constant?
Think Dorothy and the ruby slippers. Your truth will always guide you home. So, what is that truth? What values can you always stand by? When is mistrust an instinct and when is it an unhealthy reaction? Look inside for the answer.
2. Where does your judgement of others come from — negative and positive?
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When you are connected to your core truth and values, you aren’t affected by others’ negative opinions of you, nor are you on a race to compare yourself with others. You know who you are and don’t believe you need to change that.
You also don’t feel the need to judge others or gossip about them, as your security makes you accepting of yourself and others. You won't need to be jealous of what they have, because you'll feel grateful for what is truly yours.
So, look directly at yourself next time you judge others or find yourself jealous. Where does the idea that someone else's life is better, or that they are more appealing, come from? Is that sense accurate?
And what would happen if you just let other people's choices remain as their business? Unless they're harming others, ask yourself, "Why do I care?"
3. Is social media helping or hindering you?
If you build your identity on the fluctuating foundation of public opinion and "fashion du jour," nothing will be constant. And if nothing is constant, nothing will be reliable.
In order to pursue what you want, you have to be able to rely on yourself, not on millions of people you don’t know. So go back to question number one and see what remains true within yourself, no matter which direction the wind blows.
Now ask yourself, "Is social media helping me stay true to this internal compass that represents my values?" If not, change your relationship with whatever is keeping you jealous or negatively judging others in a way that adds negativity to your life.
4. What experiences or people in my life make you feel most alive?
Being honest with yourself allows you to develop the passion necessary to excel in your life. Instead of steeping in jealousy over what others have, or worried that something you love will be taken away, look at what gives you authentic joy and focus your energy there.
Again, this is about planting your truth at the core of your being and growing your passions from there. When you have something meaningful that is always there for you, you can let go of the types of jealousy and judgement that harm relationships. That's how you become empowered to achieve success.
5. Are you showing your true self to the people who love you?
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Being honest with yourself is essential for being honest with others and no relationship can survive, let alone thrive, without honesty. And if you are hiding your truth from yourself, how will you ever find it to share with someone else?
Even more to the point, if you're hiding who you truly are from someone, you will feel insecure. Why? Because they don't love you for who you truly are. How could they? You haven't let them know you!
Relationships that are healthy, happy, and balanced are comprised of people who are in touch with their authentic selves, and this authentic self-connection is reflected in effective communication. When you combine two people who are in touch with their authentic selves, there's no need for jealousy to get in the way. You know they love you and you know that you love them back.
6. Are you lying to yourself or others?
When you're honest with yourself, you provide yourself with clarity. When you lie, even with the best of intentions, about who you are, you cannot truly trust someone (because you cannot trust yourself).
Lies will always keep you stuck and only hurt the person holding them. When you are honest with yourself, you will always know what you need to do, even if that is difficult.
You will make wiser decisions about relationships and jobs, and will more immediately avoid situations that don’t serve you.
Getting honest with yourself and embracing jealousy
Being honest with yourself leads to feelings of openness, expansion, inner joy, and freedom. When your physical core is strong and stable, your entire body is stronger and more fluid.
The same is true for your spiritual and emotional core. When that is stable, the rest of your life is free to be expansive.
Being honest with yourself increases personal responsibility for both your choices and their consequences. And acceptance of responsibility is foundational to changing your life in a positive way. Changing is then not simply changing, it is evolving. And as you evolve, the world responds by offering you new opportunities to understand yourself.
Loving yourself enough to truly let people in
Being honest means loving and accepting yourself for who you truly are so you can love people freely and without emotional blocks or control.
Of all the reasons why being honest with yourself is important, perhaps none is more important than this:
As you stand firmly in your own truth, the life that once had you hiding behind self-deception as you catered to public opinion becomes beautiful in your own eyes, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
Lisa Lieberman-Wang is a relationship expert and co-creator of the neuroscience Neuro Associative Programming (NAP). If you need help finding your truth and living an authentic life, you can reach out to her by visiting her website or sending her an e-mail.
